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15September | from american knees, shawn wong
'You ever go into a Chinese or Japanese restaurant with a date who is white or black? Well, how do you feel? You're scrutinized and made to feel like the outsider. Your date doesn't feel any of this friction and tension. He feels like he's been taken inside; you're going to order the good stuff, maybe talk a little lingo with the waitress for his benefit. He might even throw in a little arigato, trying to get on your good side. There you are, eating, perhaps feeling the disapproval of the waitress, the busboy, all the while you're trying to figure out if your date is one of those guys who's got some kind of Asian-woman thing. And that 'thing' runs the gamut from asking you to teach him how to use chopsticks, to figuring he's going to get a shiatsu massage, to wanting his tea leaves read, to trying to find out if my vagina is slanted. ... 'I've never been with any non-Asian man who hasn't at one time or another during our relationship tripped himself up and said something racist.' Working in a position that once again brings my ethnicity to the forefront is making me think about all sorts of issues that I've been too tired to really visit in the past year. Portland seems to be lacking any Asian American activist groups - at least that I know of - and I'm not sure where else to go to look for them. Don't get me wrong - I'm not accusing my white boyfriend of necessarily having an 'Asian-woman thing' and I'm happy about the place we're in - but I'm aware that as an Asian American woman dating and living with a non-Asian man I am personifying the stereotypes, and despite my self-assurance in our relationship and its nuances it's still a very strange and paradoxical situation to be in sometimes. Sometimes I wish I were as outspoken as I used to be on here.
11September | ah, my very first awkward encounter at work
As part of my job, I do bus duty in the mornings and afternoon for the kids enrolled in the Immersion Program. They don't ride a regular bus, but rather 'tag on' to existing bus routes at other schools that stop at our school as a courtesy. Because of this, the afternoon bus kids need to get out of class early and wait by the bus door, and I wait with them to make sure they're all there. Yesterday as I was waiting, and trying to count my kids and keep them corralled around me, a parent who was sitting by his child's classroom waiting for the dismissal bell began to speak to me. As the conversation went on, the bell rang and kids started streaming out of classrooms and weaving in between us like slippery little fish, and I had to juggle maintaining the conversation and accounting for my kids, so my exact memory of what was said is a bit staticky. But here's a general snapshot: Him: Are you a teacher? Kids: Whee! School's out! Wahooo!!!! Him: So how many Chinese Kindergarten classes are there this year? I should clarify that the Mandarin Immersion Program is NOT limited to kids of Chinese or even Asian heritage. Me: Well, we don't shut out any Neighborhood students from attending school here - the Immersion students are either kids from this neighborhood, or additional kids we admit. Kids: Where's the bus?! Is that Bus 209? Did we miss it? Did it leave? Him: I understand that it's a popular program and everything but I just don't think it should be overtaking the school. I've been meaning to go downtown and talk to the superintendent - Kids: THE BUSES ARE HERE LET'S GO!!!! So then I left. And felt incredibly uncomfortable that this man could just sit there and demean the school's program to my face, and make assumptions about my family and my entire living and community situation, and upbringing. Later on I told the secretary in the office about this conversation, and a PTA parent piped up, 'Oh yeah, that's *****. I saw you talking to him and I was wondering what was going on. His kid is in the Immersion Program.' What?! Yeah. I don't even know. I have a feeling, though, that although this program is very coveted and popular, it may also have its share of enemies just like this man. Only maybe they're not all hypocrites who are reaping the benefits of Mandarin instruction while denouncing the presence of 'the Chinese kids' in their community. I hope I don't have to interact with him much more. But I have the sinking suspicion that I'm going to be seeing him every day during afternoon bus time. I'll make sure to hide behind the throngs of children.
10September | a picture that needs a lot of explanation
Allow me to remind you of the day my dorkiness was revealed to the world. I've never thought of myself as extremely organized - I left things like color-coding and notebook tabs and pastel post-its to the notorious 'Tracy Flicks' of my high school and college classes. I preferred to doodle all over my white binders, until they looked for like ink reserves than school supplies, and sometimes used the same binder for multiple subjects - without dividers. Yes, the horror, I know. Anyway, I guess it was my post-grad working experience that really whipped me into shape, and moving out of my second NYC apartment (and watching Clean House) that completely made me crazy about eliminating clutter and not holding onto useless and solely sentimental things. Now I can't stand being surrounded by papers I don't need, tchotchkes that gather dust, or even things that aren't put away where they're not visible. This actually is a bad situation for me because we currently don't have enough storage units in our house for all of our things, so everywhere I look I can see things that COULD BE PUT AWAY if only we had somewhere to put them. Argh. Enter my work desk. What's funny is that I showed up just a couple weeks ago to a large, airy-looking office and wasn't the wiser until parents and teachers started showing up and marveling at how clean it was. Apparently it was a sty last year. When I was introduced to my desk, it was crammed full of things that I didn't even know what to do with, and I was too overwhelmed to even begin to tackle them. Well, I have now been here about two weeks, and yesterday I decided it was high time to get organized. I turned my desk inside out, and was simultaneously fascinated and horrified at what I found, including but not limited to: three rolls of masking tape Needless to say, I pared down and put lots of stuff back in the supply closet, and recycled a crapload of papers. And now, my supply drawer looks like this:  pardon the quality... camera phone I'm in love. I want to open and close it and look at it all day. :)
05September | online shopping right now is like self-torture
So, I have been at working for about a week now. For those who don't know, I'm working in Portland Public Schools for their Chinese Flagship Program. I'm based in an elementary school where they have an intensive Mandarin Immersion Program starting in Kindergarten with the goal of preparing them for intensive Mandarin classes in middle school and high school. Things have been a little slow to start, mostly because my paperwork and all of the access I need to actually do my job haven't been processed and set up yet, so I've been helpless to do the big project they had wanted me to get done before the Kindergarteners start on Monday. Yippee! On top of that, but district employees get paid once a month, at the end of the month. Which means that even though I started working on August 27th, I won't get my first paycheck until September 30th. That's right people!! Yet another month of being poor. However this makes for a bad combination because during the day, I find myself looking at lovely things online that I would like to have, but don't have the funds to purchase, such as: This luscious coat from Eddie Bauer This windproof, water-resistant fleece for those chilly morning bike commutes This fabulous, preppy button-down with the awesome collar accent This gorgeous, gorgeous necklace off Etsy Everything this Etsy seller makes. EVERYTHING I'm afraid to even browse other sites like Urban Outfitters or Anthropologie. Ah! I miss shopping! Maybe this weekend I'll leave my credit cards at home and go to the mall.
26August | oh it's been a long time since i got angry
Seriously? I'm appalled that this chick has had as much success as she has. She's awkward, her timing is off, and - oh yeah, she's racist. It's true - an Asian American comic doesn't have to adhere to any racial or social propaganda and it's not his or her responsibility to fight for equality or assume the collective voice of his or her race or generation. But any comic who degrades any race by the abuse of long-standing stereotypes, especially those that are being so actively analyzed and challenged (fetishization of Asian women? Emasculation of Asian men? Asians eating dogs? What? Did she really go there? That's not audacious, that's just completely crude and distasteful, and makes her look completely ignorant and - oh yeah, racist), should not have the privilege of standing on that stage and being heard. There are far too many unheard voices with productive and meaningful things to say for people like her to be wasting airtime with their shallow, unoriginal ideas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The same public that has accepted her into their half-baked genre of 'entertainment' is running out to theaters this weekend to see Disaster Movie..
23August | why do these even surprise me anymore
The baby-making machines are at it again. They're actually playing in Portland in a couple weeks (September 7th), but I didn't buy a ticket when they went on sale and I likely won't buy one now... mostly because it's money that I shouldn't be spending right now, but also because I guess I feel like I'd like to be more settled here before I see a concert. And maybe I'll wait until a new album considering I just saw them in April. They're getting majorly intense though... this time you can buy a ticket to FOLLOW THEM AROUND IN A BUS for a short leg of the tour, complete with hotel rooms. It's $800-$1000 depending on which package you choose. Can you believe it? I might have done it if 1. I had the money and 2. I knew that I would be in the company of normal people. But I guess if I was doing it, I would no longer fall into the category of normal either.
20August | here's what's going on
Aaah. You know it's bad when I only blog when I can't sleep. Or is it you know the insomnia is bad when I resort to blogging? Not sure. But I'm watching 'The Roast of Bob Saget' on Comedy Central and blogging, so I must be really desperate. Hehe. No seriously, here's the scoop: 1. Portland is lovely, and I've been exploring the city a bit by bus this week. I plan to continue this through the end of the week as it's likely my last full unemployed week of 2008. (Well, let's hope anyway.) I love being back in a city and feeling free and unencumbered, able to explore on foot, and learning a new transit system. (Though I'm sure I'll love knowing it even more.) 2. Starting as soon as my criminal background check clears I will be working for the Portland Public Schools Chinese Flagship Program, as an Assistant Coordinator. I'm excited, anxious, proud, and nervous. I'm sure you'll hear all about it as soon as... 3. I'm in the process of a redesign. There are several phases to this, and I'm not sure how long it'll be before all the phases are complete, but I'm hoping to at least be able to launch the preliminary stages soon. For some reason, while I redesign things I can't bring myself to update the current version... I'll try harder. Thanks for sticking around! :) 4. Living with Brian is turning out much more natural and comfortable than I think either of us expected. It's been about three weeks and in some ways I feel like we've always been together (except when I wander back into the kitchen to check on the rice I asked him to cook, with step by step directions on the box, and realize that he doesn't actually know what 'simmer' means. Sigh!). We're still getting our gears together but I'm so looking forward to what the future holds for us here. 5. That being said, I miss my east coast friends very much :( I've joined a few Meetup groups and have my first event on Sunday, and do have a few contacts out here, but still nothing comparable to the support system that I have out east. Working in a public school administrative system will likely mean that I won't have many co-workers my age - and work is where I've met most of my best NYC friends. I'm going to have to adjust to other means of social networking... and learn to use the phone more often! 6. Okay, I miss my blog. I promise to write more frequently even though I'm sick of the design. I've been writing in the Portland blog but it's just not the same!! Snif 7. A year ago today. A guy I'd been dating, and about whom I was starting to develop somewhat strong feelings, had just broken things off in a somewhat typically avoidant and male fashion and I had decided to pretty much stop trying to look for a relationship before getting to know people organically. Not two weeks later, I met Brian. 8. I can't believe it's almost been a year.
13August | wow
I'm sorry, but is this not the most useless thing ever? Can't imagine why it's on sale...
09August | a nine-year affair
For those who don't know, I have this friend named Lisa. We met online when we were both 16 - fall of '99 - through several channels of The Moffatts internet fandom. I found her personal webpage, read her 'about me' section, and was so startled at our similarities that I emailed her and told her that we should be friends. She lived in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, and I lived in New Jersey, but that's why the internet is so amazing - it allowed such a proposition to not sound entirely ludicrous. And so, we were. Short getting-to-know-you emails turned into longer, more heartfelt ones, into handwritten letters, into cassette tape letters, even video tours of our homes and towns for the other to see. It's nearly impossible to articulate how close of a bond we had to each other, having never met, or had a fluid spoken conversation (we spoke on the phone a couple times, but back then without cell phones we had to appeal to our parents' long-distance plans and it all seemed too much trouble when we could just type online)... but there were times when I felt that no one understood me but her. We've had our growing pains, as most friends do - as we were finding ourselves in our own environments it put a strain on our already limited relationship and threatened to tear us apart - but as we've always felt somewhat connected (we used to joke about being each other's doppelgangers) so it happened that we were inexplicably drawn back to each other, and since then have been with each other in mind and spirit as we've grown from doe-eyed teenagers to full-fledged young women. I'm writing all this because today, Lisa and I will meet for the first time since we 'met' online on September 29, 1999. She and her husband are taking a Northwestern US vacation, and will be spending the weekend with us in Portland. These events - their trip and my move - could not have been more timely, and as it has been with the way things have classically worked out for us, it seems to have been written out that way on purpose. I eagerly await her arrival, and will be sure to detail our time to come. :)
04August | it's my half birthday
Last year around this time I was thinking of having a half-birthday party, complete with half a cake and asking for half a present from my guests. Of course, I was only half serious about the half presents. Haha. Anyway I just wanted to post an update... we've been writing much more regularly on the Portland blog, but I obviously don't want to abandon this completely. We're getting internet at our house on Friday, at which point I'll be much more able to do lots online without making Brian sit and wait for me. Also, I want to redesign. New home, new design. I'm going to be building a site for Brian anyway so might as well stay in design mode and make one for me! I miss you all and hope you haven't given up on my blog... we've come a long way from Blog 365, eh? I'm such a failure. Haha.
all designs and words © kchan 2006-2008
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