my name is karel. i'm 26 years old and reside in portland, oregon, although i'm from the east coast - new jersey and new york city, specifically. currently i'm a graduate student in school counseling. i have numerous artistic pursuits, including writing, graphic design, jewelry design, and knitting. (although i'm actually quite bad at knitting.) i have a failproof weakness for chef boyardee beef ravioli.
portland blog - my boyfriend brian and i document our adventures out west
sunshower design jewelry - my handmade jewelry business
scrawl - password-protected site for my writing (email me for access)
pdx hoods - coming soon!
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September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
upswing
Thursday, October 1, 2009
One of my classes for this term is called "Practicum: Group Counseling" and what it basically entails is about 10 of us in weekly sessions of group counseling. Now, as I mentioned a few days ago, I'm currently in individual counseling. So essentially, I will be spending three hours a week, in two separate environments, talking about and exploring my feelings and all that lovely stuff.
Some of the feelings that my peers have expressed about being in Group (which is what it will apparently be called from here on in) are nervousness, ambivalence, and a fear of disclosing too much about themselves to a group of strangers who will soon become their closest colleagues. Okay, I get that. But is it strange that I was excited to learn about it? I love peer groups! I love sharing! And I love the incredible diversity, yet universality, of the human experience.
Very recently, though, there has been some turmoil that pretty much blindsided me, and it's still so raw that it's bleeding. I'm not one for holding back when I feel that it's a safe situation to disclose, but I also am not sure that I'm ready or equipped to dive into this one with the aforementioned group of strangers. Why? Well, for one, it's the first session. For another ... I wonder how it might impact me in the future. After all, these are my colleagues, and in fact, several of them are in my specific track. And I'd like to be friends with them. Not that I think they're jerks who will run away screaming, but sometimes stuff like that can be sort of awkward.
Another part of me, though, wonders if this is coming just in time. I've been thinking about spirituality again lately, fate, God, signs, all that, and wonder if it's something that will help guide me through this next phase in life. Maybe this is the right moment for me to open up - something that I've only had rare opportunities to do lately, with the exception of Brian (and poor Brian, for that). I've spent so much energy here withholding, retreating, and fearing the kind of true, raw emotional connection that I've thrived on ever since college taught me to be open, inviting, and accepting ... maybe this is just the push I need to get back into the life, the existence, the me that I belong in. And all of this - my recent revelations about myself, my program starting, being placed in Group this term, my classmates being in my group, and this fresh new wound I'm nursing - happened because it needed to.
I feel myself reawakening, more and more each day. It's autumn now, which I'm pretty sure has officially solidified itself as my new favorite season (as long as the sun peeks out every once in a while... please, Portland?). I arrived downtown early for class tonight, grabbed a cup of coffee, and spent some time sitting in the university park blocks, doing nothing but slowly sipping and thinking - and I thought, how could I have done so long without this serenity, this 'me time'? How could I have let myself slip away so completely? Why have I denied myself this contentment, this slow release of tension ... for over a year? I don't have the answers to these questions. All I can surmise is that I let sadness and nostalgia get the best of me, and its consequences have readily presented themselves. But I refuse to succumb to them anymore. If my past has taught me anything, it's that I do have the strength and the ability to overcome the shadows that bear down on me, and I am capable of reclaiming my independence, from any stage of brokenness. I wish that these realizations had come sooner, but I can't focus on the past any longer. From here, I look upward and move forward with the faith that everything around me will fall into the right places.
Wish me luck at Group. :)
