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24July | oh my
I'm in South Dakota. I've neglected to link my Portland blog on here: portland.bellechanson.org if you're interested in our daily escapades. I know that I owe people several emails - I'm sorry I haven't been able to get to all of them. Internet time is limited, and we've been getting into our hotels pretty late in the day and spending most of the downtime getting clean, loading pictures, and posting on the Portland blog. So check it out and soon we will return to scheduled programming on here. Promise! Tomorrow (later today, really) brings the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, and A REAL LIVE RODEO!!!
19July | snapshot of a different reality
Brian's family threw us a good-bye party today - it was an all afternoon into evening affair, complete with tents, finger foods, pool shenanigans, beer, and tears. Considerable tears. There were tears last night, too, after Brian and I left a party that his work friends threw for him. It's been strange to only hear about his friends from a distance because I feel like he's underestimated how much they care about him, or how much he cares about them as well. As we were saying goodbye, his friends one by one offered him words of wisdom for the trip, wished him luck, etc - and as I watched him walk to the car from the house I realized that he was leaving a place of much warmth and comfort to him. I guess I haven't really thought much about the magnitude that leaving home has for some people. When I left home to go to college at 17 I was somewhat emotionally stunted and although I do love my family, it's never been an outward sort of love. I don't have extended family close to me, nor a tightly-knit community in my hometown like Brian does. I don't have a tightly-knit community in New York City either - just a smattering of friends here and there. Overall, though, I think he and I just come from very different environments; since high school I never even thought it was a possibility that I stay in my hometown after graduation, let alone get married and raise a family and spend the rest of my life there. But for him and his community, people do that - not all of them, but they do, and leaving home is a cause for celebration and occasion. I was so incredibly touched at the outpouring of love and generosity from Brian's family and friends today - and honored to be a part of it. It's a kind of feeling that I've never really had - and seeing it now I know that it will certainly be in my future.
17July | thoughts, sorted
Well, yesterday morning I said goodbye to my parents for the fourth time in my life, and for the first time in those four times, I cried. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm finally getting old enough to be in touch with my feelings - or perhaps living with my parents at 25 was a much more eye-opening and affecting experience than living with them until age 17. Perhaps I finally understand my mother's anguish at her twenty-something children's life decisions and the tears were those of empathy more than sadness. Anyway, I'm in New Hampshire now until we depart Monday morning. It's vastly different from my other trips up here because Brian's running around trying to get everything packed and ready for the move, so I'm left to my own devices for parts of the day. Everything is still kind of surreal and overwhelming - every time I look at Brian's truck I see my whole life packed in there in boxes and bags, waiting to be transported to the next phase, and it pulls at my heart. I've been waiting for this for seven or eight months, and now that it's here I look at the time that's passed and wonder where it all went. I am excited to really begin this journey, no doubt, but part of me is filled with apprehension and fear. Moving to New York City four years ago was intimidating, but the cushion of being only an hour from the familiarity and safety of home mollified me somewhat. I feel unhinged, like I don't have a very solid grip on my fate right now. I know that ultimately, I do have control over my life, in a very zen sort of way, but heading out there without a job and with only one person close to me is inciting a kind of bottomless panic in my head. I wish I had more things figured out - at least enough that I could really propel myself forward without second guessing a lot of small decisions along the way. I try very hard to live without regrets, but at this juncture I look back on the past few years of my life and can't help but wonder how many wrong turns I took to have brought me to this strange stagnance. Yes, I am making a big move and yes, I have just signed a lease on a house with a boy who wants to be with me forever (yikes) - but I still have so much to accomplish before I feel satisfied with my place in life. What did I do in the past four years if not accomplish? Why was it not enough? Am I doing the right thing? Why did the chips fall as they did - and what will the next year of my life look like? The next five, the next ten? Will I be happy? Is this what people meant when they said that 25 was a difficult year?
09July | he's here!
My friends, today is the first day of the rest of my life. It is only forward-moving from here.
08July | whoa
I've been back from DC for about a day and a half now, and Brian is coming down tomorrow for his last Jersey visit before my last New Hampshire visit before we set off on our drive across the country. It feels a bit surreal, even though I've moved out of my house twice before - three times if you count college. I guess the distance really does make it that much more jarring. Yesterday was my last day at SCORE!, and I spent today applying to more jobs, then running all sorts of errands and trying to organize myself some more so that I don't have to spend too much time doing it while Brian's here. It feels like I still have so much to do, but when I really think about it, I don't think I do - at least, nothing that I can do right now while I still have a week living here. I'm making tons of lists in my head - things I still need to pack, what I need for New Hampshire and then for the cross country trip, loose ends I need to tie up here, people to see, and household things that we'll need to get first thing when we arrive in Portland. (Most important? Curtains and handsoap. Oh, and a shower curtain liner.) Oh by the way, in case you're curious about the rest of the house, here are some more pictures. I'm going to be keeping a journal of our trip that I hope to illustrate with photos and use to jumpstart the new blog that I'm planning to start with Brian - a Portland blog. I probably won't host it on here, mostly because the thought of formatting another Movable Type blog wears me out, but I'll be sure to link to it as long as you're sure to read it. :)
03July | i love gmail sponsored links
I rarely pay much attention to the links and ads that pop up around my gmail inbox, but just now a particular one caught my eye: 'Pee-pee Teepee.' You read right: 'Pee-pee Teepee.' Allow me to share, visuals.
Can't tell what they're for? Check out the link. You better believe I'm getting those for my little boy in the future. The skull ones, at that!
02July | YAWN
It is 2:40am and I have to get up in time to catch a 9:22 train into NYC tomorrow to see my friends one last time before I ship out. So why am I up? Because I just spent about three hours working on a series of essays for a job application. Yeah, seriously. It was like writing a paper, only I can't skip class tomorrow and it's not just a grade that hinges on my efforts - it's EMPLOYMENT. But I really want the job. So it's worth it. Now I have to fold laundry and finish packing...!
01July | it is all coming together, folks
Today Brian and I signed the lease on the lovely little house I mentioned a couple entries ago. I thought it might be appropriate to do a 'one year ago today' throwback post but what do you know, I didn't write on July 1st of last year and my post on the second was just a silly little survey. So I went back into June and found this post which I found to be very interesting. Crazy to think that at the time I could have never imagined where I'd be a year from then. Not even close. I wasn't even sure I was ready to leave NYC back then. Some excerpts: I still recognized the qualities in him that I had always admired, and that I had fallen in love with in the first place - he's honest and raw, facetious yet earnest, and passionate to a fault. He is one who wants to experience and taste life. God, have I been lacking that in so many potential partners. ... ... It's really strange though, thinking about it now after having digested it for the rest of the day... because to this day he remains the only boy who has ever said 'I love you' to me, and more importantly the only boy who has ever actually been in love with me (whatever capacity 18-year-old love can have). And it fizzled so quickly, while I went on to experience so much half-assed, game-playing relationship drama, and he went on to fall in love with three other women who seem so different from me, sweep them off their feet and have these all-encompassing, heartfelt relationships that I've only imagined for myself from afar. And I'm left wondering two things: what was it about him that allowed him to overcome the obstacle that every other man has encountered when it comes to being with me - why him for me, and me for him? And also - what is it about me that is just so hard for men to wrap their minds around the idea of loving? ... ... In some ways, despite the hours that I spent crying over him, hurting myself over him, and hating him - I feel lucky to have had him in my life, in exactly the way that I did. I'm not one to have many regrets - and he played a really important role in who I am today, both the good and the bad. I don't think it could have possibly turned out this way if he hadn't been exactly who he is... you know? And now here we are. I'm about to embark on the rest of my life with a boy I met just two months later and knew startlingly fast was the right choice for me. I'm nervous, anxious, and above all, excited. Very excited.
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