Here is something that I haven't talked about in at least six months... dating. In case you don't remember or are new to my blog, last year (and the year before, actually) was quite the year of dating for little old me. I went on 14 first dates last year. I counted, because I was going to do my next 'zine on all of the first dates of 2007 - but I'm starting to think that I might rather just do a feature on the best (and worst) first dates I've ever had. Because there were some pretty classic ones in 2006 and even 2005.

I can't say I miss dating too much, and I think I'm allowed to say that for the reasons mentioned above. I put my time in, okay? My fair freakin' share. And now I'm quite content to not be single, even though my other half is far away from me most of the time.

However, recent events in the lives of my loved ones have forced me to revisit some very unpleasant memories of singledom, and the utter frustration that is dating in the twenty-first century. (Okay, it probably wasn't much easier in previous centuries either. Especially that whole marrying-girls-off-in-their-teens-or-prepubescence thing) Let's break it down into some distinct categories:

1. I just want sex. All the time. I don't care how, or who, or where. Bearers of this mentality, try as they might to pass it off as nonchalance, chauvinism, or free-spiritedness, often exude a thinly (or not at all) veiled air of desperation. They might... let's see... wolf your face down at a bar on your first date and then beg to take you home because 'it's so cold outside.' 'We won't do anything you don't want to do.' (My response? 'Okay. I don't want to go home with you.') Then the next day, even though you already made plans for the day after, they might IM you and try to get you to come over and 'watch a movie' with them. Then the day after when you go on the actual date you had planned, about five minutes into the movie they might start suggesting that you just skip the movie and go back to their place and make out. Once they get you back to their place (after the entire movie, thanks) they might get really upset when you tell them you don't want to sleep with them and in the morning tell you that they're 'not really looking for a relationship.' Okay, hi, second date. No one said anything about a relationship. Get the fuck over yourself, all right?

I should also mention that others of these indiscriminate seducers might even go as far as watching you get drunk at your own party while they stay completely sober, and then take you home with them and 'accidentally' try to sleep with you even though you've made it clear on previous occasions that you don't want to sleep with them, because it messes you up emotionally.

2. I'm too busy for a relationship. Actually, I'm too busy for dating. Actually, I'm too busy to talk to you except for a couple IMs every few days. But wait! I like you! I really like you. These types are just egomaniacs who think the world should revolve around them and their needs, and no one else's, because duh, no one else matters. Because they're single and most likely a bit lonely (but perhaps unaware of their loneliness), they fill their lives with tons of activities to detract from that lonely feeling. Totally understandable. But, shocker! They're still lonely. All of the burgeoning startup ventures, networking events, bar runs, weekend trips, and nights on the town that turn into mornings, don't fill the void that another human being should. So they attempt to meet people anyway - whether it is during a night out, on an online dating site, on several online dating sites, at work, what have you. And because other people who are out trying to meet people are actually looking for a genuine intellectual and emotional connection, they engage in long conversations with these ego-lonelies. They go to dinners with them and get the requisite drinks afterward (or vice versa). After a few of these ambiguously directed dates, the genuine-connector will inevitably wonder where this is all going. The ego-lonely will not initiate any such clarifying conversation, because they know where it is going and since that's all they need to know and they're egomaniacs, they don't think they need to inform anyone else of the doomed nature of this arrangement.

Sometimes, this conversation never actually happens because the genuine-connector figures it's not going anywhere and just stops contacting the ego-lonely. Other times, the ego-lonely is forced to sit down and explain that 'I really like you and I think you're great, but I just don't have time for a relationship right now. I have [loneliness-staving activity A], [busywork B to keep my mind off my solo status], and [bullshit obligation C that sure beats the mind-numbing prospect of actually sharing myself with a real live person] so it just wouldn't be fair to you. But let's be friends because I can never have enough [sporadic contacts so I don't feel guilty about having led them on for X number of dates without telling them it wasn't going anywhere]!'

I think I've said enough here. Onward to number 3!

3. You're gorgeous and wonderful and sexy and funny and I like to kiss you and hold you and call you every day and IM you and email you and come over whenever I want and - whoa. Hold up. HOLD THE PHONE. We are most certainly not in a relationship! These people can't seem to pull their self-pitying heads out of their even more self-pitying asses to realize that their new squeeze may not be their ex, incarnate. So rather than keep their own baggage where it belongs - inside of them - they take it out on whoever new comes along who is nice and perhaps naive enough to want to give them a wholehearted chance. But they are inherently self-pitying, so they don't respect naive newcomer enough to cut them loose from their insane mind games. They need and insomuch as crave that attention from the naive newcomer so they keep that glimmering hope that it may, one day, in the somewhat foreseeable future, turn into a relationship, but in real time steadfastly insist that it is NOT a relationship. But they also forbid the naive newcomer from dating other people, and when they finally drive naive newcomer off the deep end and naive newcomer cuts them out of their lives, they whimper and whine and stalk them and then get angry that they are being ignored. Self-pitiers never completely vanish from your life - they merely appear to vanish for a length of time, only to pop up after a long absence as if that absence might have erased all the manipulative bullshit they inflicted during the relationship. Oh, shit, I just called it the R-word.

4. Do I want to hang out? Sure! Do I want to IM you every day and talk about anything and everything? Sure! Do I want to be super nice guy to you? Sure! Do I like you? Sure! Do I want to date you? Um, no. These are, simply put, ball-less wonders. They're charming in their own right, but endearingly dorky - the dorky part is key, because otherwise they would fall into another one of the categories above. These dorky ball-less wonders have been burned before, and are so badly scarred from the experience that their testicles have gone missing. So if you, say, ask them to a movie, they'll say yes because deep down inside they do like you, but you'll have to make all the plans and look up movie times and suggest days of the week to them while they ignore you on IM and text and even neglect to tell you day of that they can't actually make it. But the absence of testicles makes it so that they can't even muster up a decent apology for their avoidant and downright rude behavior. Then, when you just can't stand it any more and finally ask them if they actually like you or are just super nice, they tell you that yes! they do actually like you! but they can't date you because... well... because...?

Because they have no testicles and will not venture back into the waters of dating for fear that it will end badly. My friends, there is no love without risk. Ball-less wonders, you do not deserve a great lady if you don't have the balls to go out on a limb for her.

5. I'm possibly homeless, and definitely a liar.

Okay, I'm not sure this is a universally shared experience, but I had to throw that in there.

Whew! Needless to say, I am very appreciative of my relatively normal, straightforward, no nonsense boyfriend. I am also very appreciative of the fact that I am going to see him tonight!! Enjoy this long post - I'm with him all weekend and not sure how much I'll be writing there.

And please, feel free to add any categories I may have missed.