Yael was the only responder to my March 18th post (ahem ahem people!) - she asked that I write about what in life I'm most proud of... I'm sitting here trying to decide what that is.
A Short List of Things of Which I am Proud
- losing 50 pounds at age 18
- writing a play and producing a 2-play production sophomore year in college
- starting an a cappella group
- overcoming junior year
- living in NYC for three years
- training for the half-marathon
Those are all things to be proud of, for sure. But I think what I'm going to go with is something a little less... pinpointable.
To comb back to my daily existence since... hm... well, kindergarten, I have always been preoccupied with boys. I was your textbook example of boy-crazy - at least on the inside. On the outside I was a chubby, awkward, bespectacled dork. But that didn't stop me from having at times multiple crushes, being so bold as asking boys to dance at school dances or even to 'go out with me,' flirting with them, and restorting to all sorts of other acts of puppy-love desperation. A peek at my diaries starting from 5th grade reveals a girl who progresses through her awkward childhood into an equally awkward puberty, fights an ongoing struggle with food and her steadily increasing weight, is continually misunderstood by her parents, and really, really, really just wants a boyfriend.
It was sort of a hopeless want for most of my teenage life because of my weight and my lack of awareness of my physical presence, but after I lost those 50 pounds in college I discovered a new world, in which guys found me attractive and wanted to hold me, kiss me, and do all sorts of other things to me. Having missed out on all of that for 19 years, I was addicted to the attention, and for the next five years I would make a consecutive series of poor decisions in pursuit of that attention. I compromised my principles, my dignity, my friends, my sanity, my emotional and physical health in pursuit of that attention.
I mean, some of it was funny. Hilarious, even. Quality fodder for my memoir.
But it wore me out and I hit a point where I couldn't let myself continue in that pattern anymore. I didn't like the way guys affected me and the way they could completely strip away my sense of confidence, strength, and independence. I began to channel my energy into other things, and focus primarily on them. I stopped going out most nights and became more discretionary about the people I let get to know me, and I was more honest with myself about what I wanted at that point in my life, and who I wanted it from. This didn't mean that I didn't date, or that I didn't allow guys to hold me, kiss me, or... whatever - but that I chose to let these things happen. I didn't submit to pressure, or the need to keep someone around.
It wasn't easy, and I definitely slipped back into old habits from time to time - but I really think that this new state of mind in 2007 prepared me to meet Brian when I did and be able to so easily fall in love with him. Through knowing him, I feel like I've gained incredible perspective on who I am in relation to a partner, what a relationship should be, and what it was that I had been truly looking for all those years while thinking I was finding it in superficial affirmation from self-absorbed and self-serving men.
To sum it up, I suppose I am most proud of realizing what it really means to love and to be in love, and to be able to do so without compromising what's most important - myself.
