I figured it was time to come clean about everything that is about to happen to me in... well, the next two weeks.

I wrote a couple weeks ago that I quit my job. It was a tough decision and one that I grappled with for a few months, but it came down to the fact that my heart just isn't in it. And in gearing for a promotion, dealing with the politics of said promotion as well as the job that a new title would entail, and - yes - finding love and realizing that my desire for that, for what it means to be fulfilled both with him and with himself, I've had to really re-evaluate what I've been doing here and working toward... and ultimately decide if it was worth it to stay here any longer.

Well, it's not.

I've not been myself for the past six months. Perhaps I've outgrown New York City or perhaps it's outgrown me. I don't know. But I don't think I was ever meant to be a big city girl and there have been too many signs thrown my way lately for me to ignore it. I belong somewhere else, in another field, in another life, so to speak.

I won't lie - Brian has been a big part in my realization of this. I daresay that without him I may not have arrived at this for another few years, or ever. I miss working with children, and I want to have an impact on them - somewhere, anywhere. I want to study education and become more knowledgeable in it, and be able to put my energy and work ethic into a field where I care ot make a difference. I also want to live in an environment where I feel comfortable, where I can build a real community, and feel at home.

I don't have any of that here.

My last day, both at Digitas and in New York City, is February 1st. After that I move back home to Jersey for a period of decompression, and I will be applying for my teaching certification, working (hopefully!) in an education/childcare field, and getting ready to move to Portland, Oregon in August. Brian will be there too.

I've long grappled with whether or not it's 'right' to move to a new city because of someone else. I'm not looking at it as a move because of Brian. He is going regardless - and it's a city that I've thought about before meeting him. It has a lot to offer that touches me personally, that I want to explore on my own... but I also want to be there with him. Love is something that has always eluded me and something that I have always yearned for. I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble in my misguided quest for it - and now that I have it, hell if I'm going to let some stubborn sense of feminine independence keep me from doing what I feel is right.

As my days in this current life phase draw to a close, I feel a sense of sadness, nostalgia, and almost forlornness - and an irrational sense that my three years here have been for naught. Of course they haven't, as I've learned a lot, etc etc, but I also wish that I had garnered more tangible results, left more of a footprint here.

Alas, life goes on. I've done as much as I could, and know that I've already left a mark on more than a few lives here in friendships that I very much want to continue even when I'm not physically here. And I press on in the next steps as always. Who knew turning 25 would bring so much change?