i lost my grip for a little while - isn't it funny how pliable yet resilient the human spirit is? i've been caught up in the whirlwind of too much going on, not enough sleep, and this temperamental, limitless weather.

i've talked about the rain and its inexplicable connection to my moods - not that the rain affects me, but that i seem to bring on the rain, usually when i'm losing something close to my heart. (i realize this is an extremely self-centered theory, but english majors tend to be somewhat self-important and able to draw connections between almost anything - here i exhibit both traits) with the freakish and sudden thunderstorms that have been cascading over us lately, i can't help but wonder what it is that i'm losing this time.

i think i found it - i'm losing my sense of self. that is to say that i was - because as soon as i made that connection i took the necessary steps to reclaim it. i refuse to lose the person i made for myself this year. i only want to live in the present and future.

i ran today for the first time in a while - it was an impulse run and i went into it intending for it to be a long one. and - how i've missed that incomparable sense of independence. i love feeling it in my limbs and my chest now, that satisfied fatigue that will only settle into hardiness. my knees are happily fine, and i'm amazed at the human body's ability to recover from the foolish strain that we put it through.

more importantly, my heart is slowly loosening - but not surrendering. it's beating with vigor, not anger. i feel like i'm emerging from too much darkness and the beauty of it is overwhelming.

i wish i could help everyone feel this way.