Okay this isn't what I hinted at writing about yesterday, but it's something that's coming to me this morning that has been kind of disturbing me lately...

Back in October I was having recurring dreams about people forcing me to shower in front of them. I came up with a quick analysis of what it might mean, and after reading it over again now, eight months later, it still makes sense.

Lately I've been having them again. It is really freaking me out, especially because my body has changed a lot in the past couple of months and, to put it vaguely, no one but me has really seen it. If you know what I mean. Anyway, I also have taken a voluntary hiatus from dating since the end of January and am finally taking my first baby steps back into it - and I think it's spurred my subconscious to have the dreams again.

I feel ready, I guess, to start dating again. I don't even know what that means. Actually, I'm really scared, because I don't have the same attitude about it anymore. I don't want to get too close too quickly, and I don't want to be physical too soon, and um, I don't really drink very much anymore which apparently is a very tough thing to navigate. So how do I explain that to the other person? Do I even have to explain it at all? Will most people not want to bother with me if I don't get buzzed and have a 'good time'?

I also am still kind of jaded from the last few dating experiences I had, in which it seemed one of the (if not the only) primary goals of the other party was to get in my pants. I think there are men out there who don't fall into that category, but I have yet to see proof of their existence. And since that's really not one of my priorities right now either, and I haven't even so much as made out with someone since the end of January... that makes me nervous as well.

Well. NO WONDER I'm dreaming about forceful shower voyeurism! :(