You know what I learned about myself this week? I'm dormant. Despite everything that I've done with myself this year I'm still dormant. I haven't written, I haven't produced a 'zine, I haven't even launched pink pomelo yet. 'No time' is not really an excuse. I've got the time. I need the discipline.

I realize that I'm much more disciplined than a lot of people, but it's not enough for me.

I went to Charles's birthday party tonight - it was a small gathering of his good friends in a little karaoke joint on 32nd and Madison. I didn't know anyone there but him and his girlfriend, and at first I felt a little uneasy because I really haven't gone out in quite a while, but then I remembered that I'm meant to be proactive - that if I don't set things in motion I can't expect motion to just happen. And as soon as I kind of switched into that mindset, I had a great time.

Charles and Erica are so in love - it takes about two seconds in their presence for anyone to see that. Having known Charles for so long, I can imagine just what qualities in him that she adores, and what kind of girl she must be for him to adore her just as much.

I've been really cynical about love for - well, a really long time. In the past few weeks I've been trying to remember what it was like to feel comfortable enough in a relationship not to doubt myself when seeking affirmation or affection. It's getting a little fuzzy. I don't really remember asking someone to spend time with me and not feel the hinges of trepidation that it'll be returned with a no - I don't remember just knowing with confidence that they were going to be safe in my bed, and that the next day there wouldn't be some mad dash for the door.

I don't mean to be a downer. These are just the facts. Somewhere along the line I shut myself so tightly up that I've kind of forgotten how to dig myself back out of it. But... why? This is not the me I've ever wanted to be. I want to be bold and romantic and have a solid enough grip on myself to not let selfish men, past or present, pick away at my core.

I want that sarcastic, slightly offbeat artist to find his heart in mine and how is he going to do that if I've got it encased in steel?