Hi friends. I've been building up so much in my head lately that I've wanted to share with you all - it's nearly overflowing from my fingertips - and yet something is holding me back. I don't know. Does this site seem contrived to you? Overdone? It's too much. I don't think I want it to be like this anymore.

That's completely not how I'd planned to start off this entry, but I'm going to leave it and here's why:

Last week or so, Sonja had her astrology chart read by a guy she'd taken a class with, and came back aglow, with a strong recommendation that I give it a try. She told me a little bit about it, and I decided you know what? I read my horoscope, I believe in signs, and universality and destiny... I'm going to do it. So I emailed the guy and set it up and yesterday we met in a coffee shop and he gave me my numerology and astrology readings.

I'm still kind of reeling from it. Here he was, a perfect stranger with whom my only prior interaction had been a couple of emails, and he was telling me things about myself that I had slowly figured out after months or even years of mistakes and self-analysis (and in some cases had never shared with anyone else), as well as things that I had never realized until the moment he articulated them. I felt like he was my best friend, even though an hour ago I had never even laid eyes on him.

It would be impossible to summarize the entire two and a half hours he spent reading my chart to me - it was so inspiring and eye-opening and overwhelming that a day later I'm still just remembering certain things he said. But here are some highlights-

- Humanitarianism. This is all over my chart, showing up in various of my star signs and houses (sorry, I'm not brushed up on all the terminology). I have an indelible need to help others - specifically those on the fringe of society, who are at-risk or minorities or socially marginalized. I need to effect social change to feel complete and fulfilled.

- Power/Authority. This kind of frightened me because it kept coming up and he literally said, "I looked at your chart and was blown away by how much power is in your signs. You have the ability to command a tremendous amount of authority and impact a lot of people... so much that you might not even be aware of it." I have an air of authority that can be intimidating but also draws people to me, and those who actually hold positions of authority may feel threatened by that. I resist the exertion of authority over me, especially when I feel that it's misused, which creates conflict and ultimately results in chaos.

- Erotism/Dynamism. My Mars (maculine) and Venus (feminine) are not only in the same house but are separated by less than ten degrees, which basically - and again, in his words - means that I am "extremely attractive to the opposite sex." (Hey... I won't argue with the chart. I've found it to be both true and untrue...) I also inhabit both gender roles in relationships, which leads to a bit of confusion for both parties - I never know when to be aggressive or passive, nurturing or needy, dominant or passive - this also intimidates potential partners because they don't know which roles they take on in the relationship.

Then there was a whole recurring theme about my fear of emotional vulnerability because I consider it my biggest weakness - which I've known for quite a long time. He told me that my first love most likely created a lot of emotional chaos when it ended (that's an understatement...) and since then I've developed a tendency to keep my distance to avoid being hurt. I think it took maybe a tad more than my first relationship to really seal me off, but I am pretty sealed. I need to take steps to open myself back up so I can have a functional, secure relationship in which I can also independently exist.

Well, those were the highlights. There was other stuff that almost brought me to tears, but it's more personal than I would like to get on here so I'm leaving it out. Basically I've come out of it invigorated and inspired and wanting to charge ahead and impact people without fear, and without apology for who I am.

So. This leads us back to the first paragraph. I want to change this place around again and I want it to seem less structured and more passionate. More thoughts. There are people reading this to whom I've been less than comfortable showing a lot of vulnerability but in the end I control who can get inside me. Everything else is just an outward presentation of who I am and who I should be very proud to be.