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28June | summer storms
I didn't think this could still happen, but I've let my first love affect me again. Not in the way that it sounds like... just... I don't know. Maybe that's what love does to you - I don't know. I'm pretty sure I haven't been in love since him. I'd known that A would be in NYC this week - he had told me on Facebook during a message exchange a couple weeks back - but it was really only in the back of my mind. Not really something I thought about too much. Well, this morning he called me. I didn't recognize the number so I let it go to voicemail and when I listened to it and heard his voice my throat got a little dry. He wanted to grab coffee at some point today. I thought about ignoring the call... mostly because our email exchanges, however brief, proved to be just as exasperating as our interactions had been back when we were together. (We met, fought constantly, I hated him, and apparently he was falling in love with me. I came around a bit later. Who knew it could be that easy?) And after the hell that we put each other through, I didn't really want to see him again and let him lord that sort of power over me. But after talking to a couple wise friends, I decided that I shouldn't really let this opportunity pass. I hadn't seen him in over three years, and hadn't had a decent, non-guarded conversation with him in... much longer. So I called him back and basically threw away my afternoon by agreeing to meet him at 4:00 for coffee after back to back meetings. I mean, honestly in the grand scheme of things, scheduling interviews and training temp workers on data entry is not as important to me as the healing of broken pasts. But then again, I'm a romantic. Anyway, the moment I saw him it was like the years of pain and hatred just melted away. I don't know what it is. He's grown up, definitely. I know I have too - but he was 18 when we were together, and now he's on the verge of 23. We got coffee and a cookie to split, sat down and talked for the quickest hour I've spent with anyone in a while. He's changed... in the obvious ways one changes in five years. His face is older, he's more sophisticated, more aware of himself, and, well, I hate to admit, but more attractive than I remember him ever being. (Dammit! I comforted myself by remembering that the same probably applies to me...) I still recognized the qualities in him that I had always admired, and that I had fallen in love with in the first place - he's honest and raw, facetious yet earnest, and passionate to a fault. He is one who wants to experience and taste life. God, have I been lacking that in so many potential partners. But at the same time I also saw the same little quirks that used to drive me absolutely crazy - he's a little bit of a snob and although he pretends he's joking I know that deep down inside he really believes he's superior. He teases me like he knows what I'm all about - like he still knows me, when I'm coming out of this realizing that maybe we didn't know each other as well as we thought we did. And, well, he's a bit 'fruity' (a word that has been used to describe him, not by me but by various others in the past as well as today). Honestly though - and it's making me cringe a bit to admit this because of our history - I could very well have spent another two or three hours with him, no problem. I don't think we could ever date again - there was just too much drama the first time around - but I do think that if we had met two years down the line and he hadn't been my first relationship, it probably would have lasted longer and been more productive. Or maybe we were always just meant to be friends. It's really strange though, thinking about it now after having digested it for the rest of the day... because to this day he remains the only boy who has ever said 'I love you' to me, and more importantly the only boy who has ever actually been in love with me (whatever capacity 18-year-old love can have). And it fizzled so quickly, while I went on to experience so much half-assed, game-playing relationship drama, and he went on to fall in love with three other women who seem so different from me, sweep them off their feet and have these all-encompassing, heartfelt relationships that I've only imagined for myself from afar. And I'm left wondering two things: what was it about him that allowed him to overcome the obstacle that every other man has encountered when it comes to being with me - why him for me, and me for him? And also - what is it about me that is just so hard for men to wrap their minds around the idea of loving? I'm not really wondering this with too much pain. I'm just really - intrigued? Curious? Stuck? I don't know. The thing is that I've never met anyone quite like him. I never had until the moment I met him, and most certainly have not since. I wonder if he feels that way about me. In some ways, despite the hours that I spent crying over him, hurting myself over him, and hating him - I feel lucky to have had him in my life, in exactly the way that I did. I'm not one to have many regrets - and he played a really important role in who I am today, both the good and the bad. I don't think it could have possibly turned out this way if he hadn't been exactly who he is... you know?
26June | so, what
is the deal with beards? Seriously? I'm watching Miami Ink and a guy with a frizzy, mangy-looking probably 10-inch beard is in the shop getting a tattoo on his back of the record holder of the world's longest beard. He's talking about some beard championship he's going to be in soon. This reminds me of my ex-BTP (boyfriend type person?)'s crazy idea for a website called Beard Wars or something. Or Battle of the Beards. Anyway the concept is that people submit pictures of their beards and every week two pictures go head to head and people vote and then there's a winner. I suppose I don't need to mention that my ex-BTP has a substantial(ly unkempt) beard. Anyway I just don't get it. Is it some machismo thing? Does it make a guy feel more like a real man if he has coarse, thick hairs growing haphazardly on his face? Would I feel more like a real woman if I let my armpit hairs grow furry and rampant? Or how about just like... one spot on my leg? edit: i had to take down the link to the picture of the record holder of the world's longest beard because google images was linking the picture back here whenever anyone searched for it. why 100+ people a day are searching hans langseth on google images, i can't fathom. but now you can, too. maybe it'll still bring you back here! won't that be exciting?
24June | white wine optional
Yesterday as I was halfway out the door to check out the Fort Greene Park Farmer's Market I was called upon to whip up dinner for two for that night. Well - I admit I was tempted to recreate the dinner I had made for my mini dinner party earlier this month (which I completely forgot to take pictures for, unfortunately. Sorry! Ha) but then I thought of a couple features I'd seen on the Food Network a couple nights ago that had given me a little inspiration. So I picked up some fresh roots and veggies at the farmer's market, made a quick stop at Pathmark, and came up with two flavorful and healthy dishes:
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Lemon-Dill Potato Salad Ingredients: Have a bowl of ice water ready (to soak roots and veggies). Set potatoes to boil. Shock haricot vert in boiling water until bright green, cut in thirds and throw into ice water. Snip ends off radishes, cut each in half and add to ice water. When potatoes are done (10-15 minutes), cut into medium-sized chunks and add to ice water. (You may have to refresh the ice water because of the heat from the potatoes.) Chill for 15-20 minutes. Once chilled, drain off water, then tear dill into mixture and add olive oil and lemon juice. Toss to coat, then add salt and pepper to desired taste. Yum! And then:
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Ginger-Mushroom Chicken* Burgers Ingredients: for burgers for fixings Chop edamame in food processor (this is optional, but makes for a smoother burger). In large bowl, mix carrots, mushrooms, edamame, and chives. Add chicken and mix thoroughly. Add soy sauce, vegetable and sesame oils, ginger, salt, pepper, and garlic. Mix well and form into 6 patties. In small bowl, mix together mustard, soy sauce, and ginger until well blended. Grill patties until cooked through, turning throughout, about 10-12 minutes. (If you don't have a grill/grill pan, just cook on non-stick saute pan.) Toast bread, spread on mustard, slap on the burgers, lettuce and tomato - delicious! *for vegetarian version, use 1 14-oz block of firm to extra-firm tofu, mashed
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Oh and in case you were wondering, it was delicious and well-received. :)
23June | i'm so sorry for the animated gif
I know, I know. It's so not my style. And I don't usually partake in these silly promotion/street team things for Hanson. But this is a contest for the band to write a song about me. I'm sure there are much more zealous fans out there who will click through like 100 times a day to try to win, but I figured it was worth a shot. I mean... shouldn't there be a Hanson song about Karel? Wouldn't that just be perfect? Maybe they would let me help. HAHA! Anyway I would totally upload a flat version of that silly banner, but I don't know if it's against the rules. Maybe in a couple weeks I'll flatten it anyway. But only if you click through for me several times a day :)
22June | franchia
A couple days ago Jaymie and I went to the most delicious and serene restaurant/tea house for lunch: Franchia. It's on Park Avenue between 34th and 35th streets. The food there is vegetarian, light, and flavorful, and they have the most delightful, refreshing beverages called 'tealattas.' I had a plum-flavored one and Jaymie had cinnamon. It was divine. It's a little bit pricey for lunch, but well worth the experience. Jaymie and I both noted the elegance and airiness of the ceilings and I decided to take a few pictures:
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Gorgeous, no?
aside. re: my last entry. i simply am uncomfortable with certain people having access to my life when i've clearly indicated that i no longer want any associations with them. i've thought for a while that i should have a more anonymous online presence and only identify myself to those i trust. that's pretty much the gist of it.
20June | okay this is just too much
I think I need a new domain.
17June | what a gorgeous sunday
Today was a perfect weekend day in all respects... I woke up at 9:00 feeling refreshed and energized for a day of leisurely chores (is that an oxymoron? I happen to enjoy chores... sometimes). I'd also decided last night that I should probably try to start running again. It's been about two and a half months since my tragic knee injury put me out of training for the half marathon and I'd tried to run once about a month ago but my knees were still pretty weak so I didn't get very far. So I dusted off my running shoes, put my laundry in to wash and took off - it was such a strange feeling, to be running again, and acutely aware of how my knees were feeling every second of the way. I didn't go very far, maybe two miles, all the while thinking: there was a time when I would be at this for over two hours. Just one foot in front of the other, pressing on, my body completely in sync, feeling so fluid and in control. I just don't know. I miss it but at the same time my knees aren't responding well. What's a girl to do?? Anyway, after my run I finished my laundry, cleaned my room, showered and headed out to Target and the grocery store. Last week I'd come up with a few new recipes that I wanted to try out and Jaymie and I had made plans to have a picnic in the park tonight, so I had a good long list of things to get. Okay well I spent a crapload of money at Key Foods. But I made a delicious dinner and I'm so in love with it that I decided that I would share it with all of you, yes you my lovely visitors. Even the ones who never reveal themselves to me. ;)
Cucumber-Dill Yogurt Salad Ingredients: Cut the cucumber into small chunks and olives into small pieces. Mix in medium bowl with onion. Tear mint leaves and dill into cucumber mixture and toss until evenly distributed. Add yogurt and stir in salt to taste. Serve as is or with pita points or flatbread. Let me tell you. It is delicious, and perfect picnic food. I also can't wait to have it for lunch tomorrow :)
16June | i am seeking so much more than this
You know what I learned about myself this week? I'm dormant. Despite everything that I've done with myself this year I'm still dormant. I haven't written, I haven't produced a 'zine, I haven't even launched pink pomelo yet. 'No time' is not really an excuse. I've got the time. I need the discipline. I realize that I'm much more disciplined than a lot of people, but it's not enough for me. I went to Charles's birthday party tonight - it was a small gathering of his good friends in a little karaoke joint on 32nd and Madison. I didn't know anyone there but him and his girlfriend, and at first I felt a little uneasy because I really haven't gone out in quite a while, but then I remembered that I'm meant to be proactive - that if I don't set things in motion I can't expect motion to just happen. And as soon as I kind of switched into that mindset, I had a great time. Charles and Erica are so in love - it takes about two seconds in their presence for anyone to see that. Having known Charles for so long, I can imagine just what qualities in him that she adores, and what kind of girl she must be for him to adore her just as much. I've been really cynical about love for - well, a really long time. In the past few weeks I've been trying to remember what it was like to feel comfortable enough in a relationship not to doubt myself when seeking affirmation or affection. It's getting a little fuzzy. I don't really remember asking someone to spend time with me and not feel the hinges of trepidation that it'll be returned with a no - I don't remember just knowing with confidence that they were going to be safe in my bed, and that the next day there wouldn't be some mad dash for the door. I don't mean to be a downer. These are just the facts. Somewhere along the line I shut myself so tightly up that I've kind of forgotten how to dig myself back out of it. But... why? This is not the me I've ever wanted to be. I want to be bold and romantic and have a solid enough grip on myself to not let selfish men, past or present, pick away at my core. I want that sarcastic, slightly offbeat artist to find his heart in mine and how is he going to do that if I've got it encased in steel?
15June | have you ever stopped to think about
how creepy fingernail/toenail clippings are? they're totally sick. on an unrelated yet still slightly sick note, i saw three dead birds today. two of them had been run over by cars and the other had flown into a window. what are the omens associated with dead bird sightings? am i going to get hit by a car or run into a window soon? is a car going to hit me and the sheer force will push me head-on into a storefront window? is it less cut and dry than that? what do you think?
13June | daintee
I had a really heartfelt conversation with Lisa today. It's so funny how sometimes we can be on such similar wavelengths even though we're leading such physically different lives, 2000 miles away from each other. Last night I had just told someone the entire story of how Lisa and I met, and how much we still mean to each other - and today it was all reaffirmed. Every time I talk to Lisa I'm reminded of how special our friendship is, and how much she really helped me make sense of my spiritual confusion two summers ago. I'm continually amazed at the way we keep changing, yet remaining the same, and how we can pull each other up with words that ring so true... yet we've never met. It's so weird to think about that. I know her thoughts, her heart, the curve of her words and the depths of her values - yet I don't know what it's like to laugh with her, how far she comes up when she walks next to me, or any of the subconscious faces she makes when she talks about something that really invigorates her. In some ways it's like we don't even need that because we are so in tune with each other - But in others I feel like if we were to meet... everything would just click. We have been through so much, together and even apart but together (if that makes any sense) that it's like that final step that we need to take. I wonder, though - would that be enough? Just a meeting? How could we possibly fit going on eight years of such a fierce bond into a timeframe that has a definite end? How could we say goodbye? I have been thinking so much about storytelling lately. I have so many stories that need to be shared that I've just been kind of sitting on, that really define me. Who am I as a friend? Where is my spirituality coming from? What does love mean to me? Is it self-indulgent to write a memoir? Is it even more self-indulgent to start working on a memoir at age 24?
10June | everything's coming together
I went to Lauren's bridal shower this weekend. It was my first shower and I had no idea what to expect - this is going to sound silly but I did experience a considerable amount of anxiety leading up to it, about my outfit (was I underdressed?), gift (was it not 'elegant' or 'traditional' enough?), and social skills (would I be able to carry on conversations with suburban country clubbers?). Even though I was going with the very familiar faces of my high school friends, somehow I feel that they have a little more saavy than I do when it comes to stuff like this. Maybe because they're all very seriously dating white men. I don't say this to mean anything other than the fact that they've spent time with their boyfriends'/fiance's families and well, I've never really gotten to that point so much. Anyway, Miin and I ended up the only two mid-20's aged women at a table with three other middle aged mothers. The rest of the women our age were at the next table over, and although I spent some time wondering why stuff like this always happens to me, I then decided that I should look at this as an opportunity to broaden my social skills and possibly quash some of my anxieties. Well, I don't know what kind of vibes I'm emanating but apparently they scream don't interact with me!!!! because although I did participate in a little bit of conversation, the women mostly talked to each other, or to Miin. Now, Miin is an auditor for PriceWaterhouse and had a bit more common ground to talk about with these women... but at the same time I sat and wondered if I'm just that much different from everyone in mid to upper class Jersey. And if so, why? I grew up in the same town as all my friends. Am I special? Or just a freak? Anyway, I consoled myself by thinking back to my chart reading. I've taken it to mean that I'm pretty misunderstood by people who don't share my astrological makeup. If I don't make the first effort in reaching out to people who are different from me, then I may very well just never affect them. So my next course of action is just that... taking steps to reach out, and put forth who I am with no apology. I miss that.
08June | i love my macbook
I can't believe it's mine!! I think I'm in love. I need to force myself to close it and go to bed. Happy birthday to my mom!
06June | halfway point and it looks soooo good...
Hi friends. I've been building up so much in my head lately that I've wanted to share with you all - it's nearly overflowing from my fingertips - and yet something is holding me back. I don't know. Does this site seem contrived to you? Overdone? It's too much. I don't think I want it to be like this anymore. That's completely not how I'd planned to start off this entry, but I'm going to leave it and here's why: Last week or so, Sonja had her astrology chart read by a guy she'd taken a class with, and came back aglow, with a strong recommendation that I give it a try. She told me a little bit about it, and I decided you know what? I read my horoscope, I believe in signs, and universality and destiny... I'm going to do it. So I emailed the guy and set it up and yesterday we met in a coffee shop and he gave me my numerology and astrology readings. I'm still kind of reeling from it. Here he was, a perfect stranger with whom my only prior interaction had been a couple of emails, and he was telling me things about myself that I had slowly figured out after months or even years of mistakes and self-analysis (and in some cases had never shared with anyone else), as well as things that I had never realized until the moment he articulated them. I felt like he was my best friend, even though an hour ago I had never even laid eyes on him. It would be impossible to summarize the entire two and a half hours he spent reading my chart to me - it was so inspiring and eye-opening and overwhelming that a day later I'm still just remembering certain things he said. But here are some highlights- - Humanitarianism. This is all over my chart, showing up in various of my star signs and houses (sorry, I'm not brushed up on all the terminology). I have an indelible need to help others - specifically those on the fringe of society, who are at-risk or minorities or socially marginalized. I need to effect social change to feel complete and fulfilled. - Power/Authority. This kind of frightened me because it kept coming up and he literally said, "I looked at your chart and was blown away by how much power is in your signs. You have the ability to command a tremendous amount of authority and impact a lot of people... so much that you might not even be aware of it." I have an air of authority that can be intimidating but also draws people to me, and those who actually hold positions of authority may feel threatened by that. I resist the exertion of authority over me, especially when I feel that it's misused, which creates conflict and ultimately results in chaos. - Erotism/Dynamism. My Mars (maculine) and Venus (feminine) are not only in the same house but are separated by less than ten degrees, which basically - and again, in his words - means that I am "extremely attractive to the opposite sex." (Hey... I won't argue with the chart. I've found it to be both true and untrue...) I also inhabit both gender roles in relationships, which leads to a bit of confusion for both parties - I never know when to be aggressive or passive, nurturing or needy, dominant or passive - this also intimidates potential partners because they don't know which roles they take on in the relationship. Then there was a whole recurring theme about my fear of emotional vulnerability because I consider it my biggest weakness - which I've known for quite a long time. He told me that my first love most likely created a lot of emotional chaos when it ended (that's an understatement...) and since then I've developed a tendency to keep my distance to avoid being hurt. I think it took maybe a tad more than my first relationship to really seal me off, but I am pretty sealed. I need to take steps to open myself back up so I can have a functional, secure relationship in which I can also independently exist. Well, those were the highlights. There was other stuff that almost brought me to tears, but it's more personal than I would like to get on here so I'm leaving it out. Basically I've come out of it invigorated and inspired and wanting to charge ahead and impact people without fear, and without apology for who I am. So. This leads us back to the first paragraph. I want to change this place around again and I want it to seem less structured and more passionate. More thoughts. There are people reading this to whom I've been less than comfortable showing a lot of vulnerability but in the end I control who can get inside me. Everything else is just an outward presentation of who I am and who I should be very proud to be.
03June | i hope my mom isn't reading this one
Okay this isn't what I hinted at writing about yesterday, but it's something that's coming to me this morning that has been kind of disturbing me lately... Back in October I was having recurring dreams about people forcing me to shower in front of them. I came up with a quick analysis of what it might mean, and after reading it over again now, eight months later, it still makes sense. Lately I've been having them again. It is really freaking me out, especially because my body has changed a lot in the past couple of months and, to put it vaguely, no one but me has really seen it. If you know what I mean. Anyway, I also have taken a voluntary hiatus from dating since the end of January and am finally taking my first baby steps back into it - and I think it's spurred my subconscious to have the dreams again. I feel ready, I guess, to start dating again. I don't even know what that means. Actually, I'm really scared, because I don't have the same attitude about it anymore. I don't want to get too close too quickly, and I don't want to be physical too soon, and um, I don't really drink very much anymore which apparently is a very tough thing to navigate. So how do I explain that to the other person? Do I even have to explain it at all? Will most people not want to bother with me if I don't get buzzed and have a 'good time'? I also am still kind of jaded from the last few dating experiences I had, in which it seemed one of the (if not the only) primary goals of the other party was to get in my pants. I think there are men out there who don't fall into that category, but I have yet to see proof of their existence. And since that's really not one of my priorities right now either, and I haven't even so much as made out with someone since the end of January... that makes me nervous as well. Well. NO WONDER I'm dreaming about forceful shower voyeurism! :(
02June | hey, LJ friends
I just wrote an entry. Haha! I'm going to start notifying on here since I write in there so rarely. In other news, expect a bigger update tomorrow - with pictures!
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