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30April | what i've been up to (well, partly)
Lately, due to a bit of traveling, a plethora of projects, and my laptop's fan being almost completely useless thus resulting in a very slow computer and me not wanting to burn my wrists on a hot console, I haven't really been online at home as much as I used to be. For example, this weekend I was away Friday night through Saturday afternoon, came back and checked my email once, then didn't turn my computer on again until Sunday afternoon, briefly, and not again until late Sunday night (which is now). And what a difference it makes! I feel more efficient with my time spent online, things seem more interesting, and I have more emails in my inbox upon checking, which is quite dorkily exciting. Anyway, this will likely continue, as I'm liking the new pattern my life has taken. I want to be more email communicative than AIM, because 1. it feels more purposeful to write emails and 2. i've realized that i've lost the ability to write paragraphs in email, because i've spent too long with the quicker back and forth of IM. Also - I have a project. And I'm asking for some input: As some of you may know, I make greeting cards. Sometimes I sell them, sometimes I use them, but either way I have plastic bins full of supplies and old inventory under my bed and four-year-old plans to make a business of it. Since I've been at Digitas the women on my team have caught wind of this hobby of mine and often request my services, and most recently I've signed up to sell my cards at the Spring Craft Fair on May 11th. Since I signed up about two weeks ago, I've been sketching out designs for new cards and making bulk amounts of them in preparation - some Mother's Day cards but also all-purpose cards (since May 11th is cutting it a bit close for Mother's Day). But now I'm thinking that if I'm going to be sitting there with my collection, presenting them to a whole lot of people, perhaps I should be a tad more organized. I need a business card, possibly a website, and a name for my business. Now - I've been toying with the idea of a name for my creative business, which would include anything that I make: websites, cards, jewelry (remember the rings I made around the holidays?), etc. The name that I already use on the couple live sites that I designed is "une petite chose" which means "a little thing" in French. However, the problem with that is that the domain name unepetitechose.com is already taken. (So are petitechose.com, lapetitechose.com, and lespetiteschoses.com) For a business, I don't want any other suffix but .com, and I'd rather not have any hyphens. As alternatives, I've come up with the following options: 1. Forego registering a new domain and just create a subdomain: unepetitechose.bellechanson.org or chose.bellechanson.org or petitechose.bellechanson.org Help me!!
25April | quarter-life
Recently I've made some decisions about my next career move that have both invigorated and exhausted me. I haven't been made to seriously doubt my ability to excel and inspire in about a year, but even then I still maintained confidence in the strengths that I'd always had. But now, I'm staring at the potential for a future in the face, and what stands in my way is... a whole lot of work. In the next few weeks, I've got to fit reading, writing, research, and exploration into a life that's already filled with a job that's constantly overwhelming me, a lifestyle change (food, recreation, relaxation), and taking care of social relationships that have lately fallen by the wayside. I'm excited, but uncertain - motivated, but frightened of venturing into new territory only to realize my own limitations. But as the rest of my peers head into their graduate education, this is my own independent study. So this is what it's like to grow up yet again.
25April | a really, really great story about greyhound
Despite my stubborn attachment to a long-estranged love affair with my car (oh, little Sasha, I do hope my mother is treating you well), I have grown rather fond of public transportation in the past few years. Not only do I take ridiculous pride in the New York City MTA (I know, it's dirty and smelly and it doesn't tell you how many minutes til the next train, unless you're riding the L in certain stations - but it runs 24/7 and can take you almost anywhere you need to go!) but where else can you experience the kind of people you would otherwise be able to avoid in your own private vehicle? I know, people-watching is a pretty passé fad these days - what aspiring writer doesn't claim to love people-watching? - so I'll rephrase. I don't people-watch. I observe, mentally note, instinctively deride, then guiltily reflect upon my inherent superiority complex and finally, self-hate. It's really quite a complicated and emotionally damaging process; I don't recommend it. Though if you're going to "people-watch" perhaps you should go my route instead, to avoid being clichéd. Anyway. I had the lovely opportunity to experience the kind of person that I just can't get enough of while riding the Greyhound from Silver Spring, MD back to New York City on Monday morning. I was one of the last people to board the bus, trailed only by a gum-snapping chick from the Bronx, the chain-smoking, bedazzled tank top clad man who'd been chatting up Bronx chick's mom minutes earlier, and a mousy, invisible-looking goateed boy. The only seats left were aisles, occupied by the carry-on bags of their adjacent occupants. I stopped at the first one I saw. "Is someone sitting here?" The window occupant, a generic-looking caucasian male wearing a boring grey t-shirt and jeans, said curtly, "no," and removed his backpack. He seemed disgruntled to have to give up his backpack's seat and I was tempted to assure him that out of the remaining people in line I was his best bet, but he didn't seem like he would take to any sort of actual busride commentary. So instead, I pulled out The Kid, which I had borrowed from my brother and was determined to finish. After about twenty minutes, I fell asleep. (Note: this is not a reflection on the book itself. It actually was quite an enjoyable read. I was just extremely tired from watching too much TLC too late with my brother the night before.) I awoke to the bus pulling into a rest stop on the Maryland border. Feeling a bit peckish, I hopped off the bus to get some yogurt. When I returned, Generic Grey T-Shirt spoke. "So you're headed to New York?" "Yep." "What are you doing in DC?" He had a Russian accent. I knew it was Russian only because I've been watching this cycle of America's Next Top Model and I love Natasha, the Russian mail-order bride. "I was visiting my brother." I was pleasantly surprised that he was now striking up conversation after seeming so upset that I asked to sit next to him, but the more I talked to him the more I felt like it was only going to lead to bad places. He told me that he was going to New York City "on business," which led me to believe that he was some sort of young entrepeneur, the likes of which I've met through my current occupation as well as recent foray into online dating. He said he'd been to NYC a few times "on business." Then he told me that he really likes to party. Really. And then he asked me if the parties are any good in NYC. I mean. Do you really have to ask? I don't even go to the parties, and I know. Strike one. Then it slowly came out that, actually, he's still in college. And, he doesn't actually live in DC. He goes to college in Virginia. And he's not really going to NYC "on business," but to "help a friend from Russia buy a car." What? Yeah. Didn't really care for clarification. But suddenly the "really likes to party" trait started to make a little more sense. Strike two. The bus started to move and I sat, awkwardly stiff, hoping that our conversation had reached its pitiable end. No such luck - he turned to me again and pointed at my left nostril piercing. "What is that, your bling bling?" "Um, I guess." "Why do you have it?" "I got it when I was eighteen. I used to have a lot more piercings." I proceeded to show him the remnants of the various holes my college-aged self had paid my parents' money to get punched into my ears. Not because I wanted at all to impress him, but because I wanted to scare him away from continuing to ask me stupid questions about my "bling bling." "Oh wow. Yeah I thought about getting earrings but then I didn't." "Why not?" "I dunno." Fasc-in-a-ting. Then he asked, "So where are you from?" "Jersey," I replied. He looked at me. "But, you look Asian." [Record scratches] I had my sunglasses on, and good thing because otherwise he would have seen possibly the biggest eyeroll in all of eyerolling history. (And, friends, I know you can vouch for the magnitude of my eyeroll.) It was all I could do not to pull a completely righteous tirade on racial stereotyping on him. But I cut him a little slack because, clearly, he's from Russia. "Um," I began slowly, "Asian people can be from a lot of places." Nevertheless, strike three. At this point, I started to a. consider turning the bitch factor up so he would seriously leave me alone and have a fighting chance of making it to NYC with at least part of his leg NOT in his mouth and b. think of a good fake name for myself in case he asked. (The last time I gave a fake name, it was Tracie Lee. The time before, it was Denise. Clearly I need to think ahead.) Before I could make any decisions though (my default name would be Mia), he piped up again. "So what book were you reading before?" Sigh. The Kid, by Dan Savage of "Savage Love" fame, is about Dan and his boyfriend's quest to adopt a child in the late 90's. Yes, it prominently features gay people. Lots of mention of gay people, gay relationshops, gay love, and gay sex. I pulled the book out of my bag and handed it to him. As soon as I did this, however, I knew that it was a mistake on several levels. The cover, you see, says nothing about the word "gay." It says the title - "The Kid" - and then the subtitle - "what happened when my boyfriend and I decided to go get pregnant." Dan Savage's obviously male name is splashed across the bottom of the cover, but you know. When homosexuality isn't really a part of your everyday perception of the world, you don't notice these things. Generic Grey T-Shirt clearly didn't. He looked at the cover and balked. "Oh... it's that kind of book, huh? Yeah... a friend of mine once got a girl pregnant." I turned and stared, once again thankful for the sunglasses but this time because they deflected the lasers that must have shot of out my pupils. I decided to not even address his second comment. "No, that's not really what this book is about. Dan Savage is gay. This book is about him and his boyfriend adopting a baby." He could not have screamed the word uncomfortable and been more clear - Generic Grey T-Shirt was trapped in a corner about to puke. "Oh. Well... I mean... that's fine with me, if that's your thing... you know... if you and your girlfriend want to adopt a baby... that's fine with me." His tone spoke what he was really thinking, which was you new age hippie freak, get that homo book away from me before it crawls up my ass and turns me GAY! Well, had I followed through with option "a" above, at this point I would have grabbed his hand and thanked him for sanctioning my choice to adopt a baby with my homosexual lover. Really?! You really mean it? It's "fine with you"? Oh thank the lord, I was just about to call it off because some college dude in a generic grey t-shirt and equally generic, cheap, day-old cologne was uncomfortable with the idea of same-sex couples and parenting. You've really made my day. Instead, I just said, "No. I'm not reading it for reference. I'm reading it because it's interesting and it says a lot about the attitude toward homosexuality in the late 90's..." I trailed off with some off the cuff lines about equality and fit parenthood and all that jazz but I didn't put too much effort into it because I knew that as soon as he'd heard the word "gay" he had stopped listening. Instead, I shut my mouth, stuck the book back in my bag, turned away and went to sleep, thankful that I didn't have to waste my favorite name on an ass like him. He probably expected it to be "Ching Chong Lotus Flower" or "Hot Lesbian Girl on Girl Pussy Action" or something. Now, can you imagine if I had driven myself back to NYC? Think of the story you would have been denied the pleasure of reading. And that is why I love public transportation.
23April | i've been away
I've just spent the weekend in Maryland visiting my brother which is why I haven't written, and I'm leaving in a few minutes to get on a bus back to New York (sigh... I hate riding the bus) but I thought I would brighten your Monday with a wonderful video starring the delightful Will Ferrell: Teehee!
19April | it's about time spring arrived
Hi friends, here is my new layout. It didn't take me too long, as you can see the format of the site is pretty much the same. I really liked the way everything was organized, but just wanted something brighter. Hope this suffices! I know I haven't written too much substance lately. I want my blog to be more observational and inspirational, but also much more everyday. Sort of like a commentary on things. Let's see. What has stuck out in my mind lately that I can share with you? ...... Ack. Well, I'm going to sleep on it. In the meantime, let me know what you think :)
16April | today is my hanson anniversary!
Forgive the geekout moment, but today is the 10-year anniversary of the day I sat in front of the tv with my math homework, my right foot in a cast, and saw the video for "MMMBop" for the very first time. The day I fell in love with a band, completely ignorant to the enormous legacy they would slowly forge in my life. You think I'm being facetious, but I'm not. Happy anniversary, me.
12April | i am half-asleep
So, my 2007 thus far has been about learning to take better care of myself, in ways that are proactive, productive, and not self-destructive. Sometimes I've felt extremely motivated and other times I have felt frustrated at my lack of momentum, but I've managed to mostly keep my head above water - more and more I'm learning that I need to let go of a my deeply ingrained guilt issues. I was always mildly aware of my guilt, but only recently am I seeing how prominent it figures into my decision-making and anxiety. I worry too much about taking care of people that it becomes a detriment to me, which in turn also becomes a detriment to them. I guess lately I've been scaling back and not exhausting myself trying to please so many people. And I do feel guilty about it, but I have to press on and get over that. So I think this place needs a facelift. I mean, just because the weather thinks it's still winter doesn't mean it really is...
11April | soooo....
It is way past my bedtime but lately work has been sucking so much out of me that I can't bring myself to go to sleep because then it means I have to wake up and go to work. Sigh. It's all a part of having a job, I suppose. Just waiting to get through it. I'm doing a couple new things that I kind of don't want to broadcast publicly on here. Actually I've been doing a bunch of new things that I haven't broadcast on here, and it feels kind of nice. How's that for intrigue? Anyway despite the fact that I've feeling beat down about work and the race I will not be running on Saturday (I went to the doctor and he confirmed my internet diagnosis of tendonitis... he also made me feel my knees while I bend them to show me that I have bad cartilage... um, ew), I hope this is the beginning of my upward climb. I've been writing more lately - working on a prose fiction piece, something that I really haven't done in quite a while. I also think it's time for a new 'zine, and have recently been inspired to revisit the screenplay I started to block that is based on my family. What I really want to bolster this writing kick is a new computer - I've been thinking about a MacBook. Except, where am I going to get the money for that? Hmm... ideas anyone? Legal activities, please. The only thing that would really make things so much better right now is this weather. I mean, I know that we had an unseasonably mild start to winter. Are the seasons having an identity crisis? It was colder today than it was on Christmas! What the heck is going on here?! I want spring! I want sun! I want warmth! So um - Tatiana, Lisa, and Mat: I am waiting for the answers to the questions I so thoughtfully drafted for you. Late bloomer Jaymie - go check out yours. I suppose it is really bedtime now.
07April | my mind is really full right now
I've been sitting here with my new entry page open for a few minutes with thoughts racing through me, dozens of possible ways to start writing, topics to write about, but I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. Lots of things that I want to happen but know I need to patiently take steps to ensure that they do. Anyway I'll write more tomorrow. Just wanted to let everyone know that I responded to the commenters below with questions. So go check 'em out!
03April | interview me(me)
Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I will respond by asking you five personal questions (so make sure you give me an email if you're not sure I have it!) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! You then update your blog with the answers to the questions (if you don't have a blog, you can leave them in the comments, or email them to me). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. I got these questions from a lovely anonymous friend: 1. What is the thing you want most out of a relationship? Oh my. What a frightening question to be asked right now... what I want most right now is the ability to be completely me, and to be respected and treated like a rational, intellectual individual. I want us to inspire each other with each day that passes, and not feel pressure to conform to any sort of societal expectations of what a "relationship" is supposed to be, or what "steps" we're supposed to take based on the length of said relationship. That would do for now. 2. Do you feel like your "blogging"/writing personality is different from your "real" one? Lately - yes. And I say this because I feel that in my day to day interactions I've lost a lot of my conviction and resolve, as well as my confidence in the validity of my ideas. My writing is more romantic, less pragmatic, more reflective and more calculated. But - maybe my readers can provide more insight. Is my blogging personality different from me in real life? 3. What is your least favorite part about running? The idea that it at any point should become a chore. The point of running is freedom, ownership, escape, peace. Having been without it for a week, what I miss most is the feeling of forward movement and the synchronicity of my entire body, the muscles, mind, lungs. It's easy to get caught up in the pain and the time commitment and resent it - and that compromises the strength and beauty of the run itself. 4. What do you want to be when you grow up? A mother, a lover, a wife, a writer, a dreamer, an inspiration. Is that cheesy? Well, I don't care. :p 5. If you could choose only one reality show to watch for the rest of your life, which would it be? No way... anonymous friend... are you really making me choose?! I would have to say... What Not to Wear. Because it is truly inspirational. ;) Comments!
01April | i just cleaned my bathroom
and it was oddly therapeutic. I'm not normally a stress cleaner, although yesterday I did clean my room and also clear out my old files. Tomorrow I'm lugging a year's worth of credit card bills (from 2005...) to work to throw in the shredder. Anyway it's nice to have a clean bathroom, except now I'm reluctant to use it because then it'll just get dirty again. Can you tell that I'm writing about stupid things like cleaning the bathroom because somehow I can't bring myself to write what's really on my mind? what's really on my mind
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