Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. Rationally, I know that the premature end of my training isn't really a big deal - it may even be a blessing in disguise because now I can dedicate more time to other projects. But it's really only led to the unfurling of many other deep-rooted issues that I can't quite cope with all at once right now.

I haven't even gotten to the point of fully realizing them, as I've been too caught up in trying to rectify what is, I think, a tired and sour relationship with work.

You know what's funny? I feel like I'm going through a breakup. I look around my room and see remnants of the only emotional relationship I've been involved in since January - t-shirts and shorts draped over the railing of my bed, my sneakers strewn haphazardly on the floor, knee supports curled by the hamper, one last Gatorade bottle that was meant to be consumed after the next long run - and my heart aches a little bit each time. I want to throw it all in the corner of my closet and shut it away so I am not reminded of the life that I've been leading for the past few months.

It's not really the loss of the race, I think. It's the loss of the knowledge that whenever I want to, I can lace up my sneakers and escape into time that is only my own. I know that I'll run again, but I need time to heal - just as one needs time to heal from a broken heart.

Crazy... because now that I've put it in those terms, what I'm feeling makes sense. This is how I feel whenever my relationships end. It's actually pretty mentally unsafe, as my first instinct in those situations is always some form of self-destruction - which is why I've been pretty much avoiding any sort of real emotional risks since early January. Little did I expect then that I would unknowingly launch into an affair that was so involved.

And now, while I am wrangling with the idea that I can't run for an undetermined period of time, I also see myself closing off to the idea of any sort of true potential romantic interaction.

This is so completely weird... yet makes utter sense to me.

Thoughts?

(By the way, thanks to everyone who's offered words of encouragement and condolences to me - it means very much.)