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27February | i figured out what my problem is
Sorry for the downer post last night. I realized that I was coming off of a weekend of being doubly medicated for allergies and going without my nightly dose of feminine hormones (I forgot to pack them... oops), which probably just made me crazy. Anyway so my problem is that I've just been too rushed. With everything. Work has been stressful and I've been impatient with my runs, wanting to finish them more quickly when really I should be concentrating on the actual run and keeping my pace and feeling comfortable. And I haven't been thinking about art. Lately I've been listening to music and being struck by the beauty of certain lyrics and thinking, oh it's been too long since I wrote poetry. Interesting how much the lack of creative energy can affect me. Upward from here.
26February | well, i don't feel 24 at all
Well, I am back from a long weekend in Boston with my faves, Tatiana and Alice. It was a fun time, filled with eating, shopping, running away from Tatiana's cats (okay that was just me... and I was totally drugged out on allergy meds to save me from said cats), and laughing at really stupid things like Spamusement. I'm exhausted despite getting a decent amount of sleep last night and then another 4-hour nap on the bus back to New York. Maybe it's the allergy meds wearing off - or maybe it's just the toll that two weekends of travelling in a row has taken on me. I did come home and go for a run - my first since last Thursday, as you may remember from my post about disastrous runs. It was much better this time, so I guess I'm feeling okay about that. I guess I'm generally a bit disorganized lately. My room is quite messy and I don't have the proper motivation to clean it, and I'm feeling a really strange combination of being overwhelmed and feeling guilty at not being adequately busy or stressed out at work. This is all kind of getting in the way of my personal life and I'm starting to get that seclusive I-just-want-to-be-alone attitude. It's like I'm sensing pressure from a lot of different places to be a certain person and do certain things when really I don't want to worry about doing anything for anyone but myself. And what do I really want to be doing? I don't know. Maybe not running every other day for the next month and a half. I'm not ready to make that decision though - but I'm starting to wonder who I'm doing it for, and what I really want from myself. I hate being held to certain standards by people surrounding me, whether it's for work, for life, for family - not because I don't think I need to perform in any of those aspects, but because I can't stand the constant feeling of not being good enough. Maybe I just need to go to bed... Oh but not before wishing Jaymie and Kristy happy birthdays :) Too many February birthdays!
22February | ugh!!!
So, I don't know why, but lately I have been sucking at running. Maybe I'm distracted? Maybe I'm not eating enough? Drinking enough water? Maybe I am trying to rush through my runs. Well... that may be correct during the week. But this past Monday I couldn't even get through three miles, for some reason. I felt really winded before even the first, and then I reached two and a half and I had to stop, and then I almost blacked out. I'm not even kidding. I attributed this to several things: I had just woken up after two nights in a row of going to bed pretty late (2:00am), albeit sleeping in later (9:30am... yes that is later...), I was in a foreign gym, and I'm pretty sure I didn't drink any water that morning. Oops. Then Tuesday I was back at my own gym, planning to do five miles. I ended up only doing four, and feeling like my legs might seriously give out. I was on a different brand treadmill than usual (my normal row was taken up), and I think the gradation was higher than I thought. So I guess that makes sense. I just got back this morning from my first outdoor run in about a month. I didn't finish three miles, which is seriously starting to frustrate me. I know that running outside is more difficult than a treadmill, but last Saturday I ran nine miles on a treadmill with slight gradation with no problem. Why can't I finish three outside? :( This is not making me happy!! :(
18February | my 8 names
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Karel 2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.) 3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal) 4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street) 5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name) 6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (The plus your 2nd favorite color, favorite drink). 7. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name) 8. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets) Wow... that totally didn't work out for me. Yikes
18February | Xin Nian Kuai Le!
In case you didn't know (DIANE), it's Chinese New Year. Happy Year of the Pig! That's me! A funny anecdote before I write a longer post maybe later today, or tomorrow: When I was in 4th grade I decided that because I am a Pig according to the Chinese Zodiac, and pigs are like, so freakin' cute, that I would stop eating pork because I didn't want to eat myself. Three years later I realized it was kind of a stupid reason to not eat such delicious things as ribs, pepperoni, sausage, bacon, etc (especially because pork is a pretty big part of Chinese cooking), but it had been three years! I couldn't stop now... So this continued on until I was 22. Yes, kids, I did not eat any pork products for roughly fourteen years. I'm not sure why I stopped my pork fast - to be honest I don't even remember the day. I think I just really wanted a rib. =X
12February | i chopped it again
10February | smorgasbord
I just got back from my weekend run at the gym - on the whole it's really not so bad doing long distances on the treadmill, I've decided... it's that 1. the treadmill program won't let me go over 60 minutes, so I have to stop and re-start after 6 miles and 2. my stupid knee brace won't sit comfortably on my leg so it just annoys me the whole time. Does anyone know of any snug-fitting and breathable knee braces? I think tomorrow I'm going to go get some new running shoes, as well as a better knee brace. And maybe some underarmor for when my free month at the gym runs out. Sonja got me a gift card to Lady Foot Locker for my birthday :) so that will help me offset the cost. Thanks for all the comments re: the Betty post. I posted a couple reviews on her restaurant about the dish names, and some girl from L.A. wrote to me on Yelp! and told me that she's Asian and doesn't find the names offensive, but can understand my reaction. And that she knows Betty and thinks she's great. Well... I'm sure Betty's tv personality was largely biased by production, so I won't go there (even though I hated her!)... but the fact that this Asian girl doesn't find the names offensive is exactly what's wrong with the socialization of racism. Sigh. I'm glad she took the time to write me though. And Lisa - Betty is white. In fact people have likened her to Suzanne Somers. Interestingly, during the show's run, Jaymie and I rather noted her resemblance to a different famous figure. ;) Okay and I'll leave y'all with this, because it is freakin' adorable. Except for that weird patch of... whatever... below the big panda's stomach. Hehe ew.
07February | i hate betty from top chef
And here's why. Surprisingly, this post has nothing to do with Marcel. This really has nothing to do with Top Chef either. It's actually really important. If you had actually read the damn thing, MAT, you would know that. Recently I've been listening to the Top Chef podcasts on chow.com, and yesterday I got to Betty's interview, during which her restaurant, Grub, was mentioned. Specifically, Joyce Slaton, her interviewer, noted a specific item on the menu called "Love You Long Time Rolls." At this point, I stopped and rewound. Yeah, that's really what she said. "Love You Long Time Rolls." In the context of "cute names of dishes on the menu." And what are they? Spring rolls, of course. Love You Long Time Rolls 6.25 Boggles the mind how "clever" this Betty Fraser and this Denise DeCarlo are. I decided, then, to peruse the rest of the menu to see if they had any other "cute" marginalizing and commodifying dish names to represent any other racial groups. Hmm... "Our Friggin' Amazin' French Toast"... not attached to any one group... "Wild Mushroom Soup with Fresh Spinach & Ginger"... pretty standard... "Mamacita's Breakfast Burrito," "'Joe-Mama'~cita," "Ay Caramba! [sic] Salad" (all "Mexican" influenced, can you tell?)... definitely sketchy- But, oh. OHHHH. Oh you did not. Betty Fraser, you did NOT. Except she did: The Geisha Chickie 11.25 Now, disregarding the completely Unwarranted Capitalization of random Items in Her descriptions, not only does she reference one of the prime examples of ignorant stereotyping of Asian women in American pop culture, Full Metal Jacket, she also then perpetuates the association between Asian culture, Geishas, and concubines (fancy word for sexually subservient and usually morally substandard women) in a dish that has very little to do with actual Asian cuisine. (Panko is Japanese breadcrumbs, tamarind is often used in Indian and Southeast Asian, but also Latin American cooking, kaffir lime in Southeast Asian... good efforts in fusion cuisine, Betty, but then you have to throw in mandarin oranges and crispy noodles? Have you ever seen either of those ingredients in authentic Asian cooking?) Finally, may I ask what a Panko-cashew encrusted chicken breast with Southeast Asian/Indian spices over mixed greens has to do with Asian women and their sexual activities? The answer is: NOTHING. And that is why I hate Betty from Top Chef. Because while yes, her overuse of stock Spanish phrases to indicate some sort of Mexican or Latin American influence is tired and unimaginative, the words "Mamacita" and "Ay Carumba" do not immediately conjur sexually deviant images of an entire gender and racial category. I probably would have taken less issue with names like "Happy Golden Dragon Rolls" or "Lucky Jade Chickie." I also would like to add that no, I don't think I'm being too sensitive. For every instance of ignorance that I overlook, there is an action of prejudice that happens because it was dismissed when it started as mere ignorance. To forgive these seemingly harmless menu items only continues to ingrain a very socialized idea of Asian women in people's minds, and gives them ammunition to claim that the sexual and social commodification of Asian women is okay. And it's not. This is an issue that has been on the forefront of my mind for several months now - seeing something like this only further disheartens me. Shame on you, Betty Fraser. And shame on Joyce Slaton for quoting her menu item as "clever" and "kitschy," and shame on the Asian Americans in L.A. who may have eaten at her restaurant and allowed her to continue to print these names on her menu. I'm off to draft an email to Grub. Feel free to do the same: info@grub-la.com.
06February | haha my mom is hilarious
RE: Hanson.
05February | a meme from daintee
Thanks Bippy ;) Five things you might not know about me 1. When I was in sixth grade I had a perm, complete with a weird sausage-like bang formation going on. It was totally hot, and all the other Chinese girls started getting perms too. Those were the days... the early 90's... 2. I got my first kiss when I was 19, and he was a conservative Catholic farmboy from Minnesota. He said things like "sucker" and "pop." It was cute, but I'm not sure I actually liked him. I used him... for kissing. 3. As a child I loved, loved, loved going to the library. I could sit in there for hours and hours reading book after book, I took them to bed with me, in the car, in the bathroom (come on, prime reading time), to school... and I don't quite remember when but at some point in high school I developed a phobia of old books. By the time I got to college, I couldn't touch them without revulsion. I honestly cannot pinpoint the root - and it's still one of my biggest fears. 4. I secretly love math. Especially long division. In high school I would relish the moment I figured out all those really hard equations in calculus and chemistry. The math portion of the SAT? I never wanted it to end. 5. In the past four or five years I've developed an allergy to a number of fruits - apples, pears, kiwis, melons, and sometimes mangos. When I eat any of these, my lips, tongue, and throat itch, and my lips swell up and turn red. The only way around it is to cut the fruit up and soak the pieces in salt water for 10 minutes, and even then sometimes I still have a reaction. This is actually extremely sad, because I love fruit. :( Now I want you to comment and tell me something I might not know about you! ;)
04February | happy birthday to me
I'm 24. Well not officially until 4:59am (it's currently 3:32) but close enough. At this time 24 years ago I was probably starting to head toward the birth canal anyway. Ack. I had a great party - dinner and karaoke ;) - with my favorite people in New York City. I'm so touched that they came out and spent time with me - I want to send thanks to each and every one of them. And I've still got my whole real birthday ahead of me! Maybe I should go to bed so I can enjoy it... Also, happy birthdays to Michelle and Ellen... and also Ellebelle whose birthday was yesterday!
02February | all over the place
Well, my long week has come to a close. It's Friday night and like every Friday night so far this year I'm in for the night and planning on being in bed relatively early so I can get my run out of the way tomorrow morning. I think I started to get a bit restless this week - it's approaching the end of week 4 and the amount of time that I dedicate each week to running is, well, a lot. I guess I need to keep my mind focused... last week I introduced a distraction into my life that I wasn't really prepared for... So now I'm slowly pushing it back where it belongs, in a compartment in my mind and not at the forefront. I can't let myself fall back on the promises that I've made to myself, because I know that when I made them, I was of much sounder mind than I am when I question them. January was a whirlwind. I'm not even sure I'm grasping that it's February and I'm about to have another birthday. And I've been in this apartment for over a year. And I've been training for a half-marathon for a month and I'm still alive. I'm definitely trying to stay positive and keep my spirits up even as I push and challenge myself, but I think sometimes I let the weight fall too heavily onto me and I just wish that I had a stronger safety net. And I'm exhausted. And I know, I haven't blogged about Top Chef. Here is the gist of my feelings: either of them could have won. Ilan lost every smidgen of my respect when he trashtalked Harold in the "Dirty Dish" interviews they showed during Top Design, and there really wasn't much left for him to lose at that point. Elia is a snivelling, traitorious bitch. Marcel needs to learn to own up to his mistakes. But he is a victim of circumstance, whereas Ilan/Betty/Frank/Sam/Elia/Cliff were bullies who only further victimized him rather than taking the high road. And, people need to stop making salads. I guess that's a pretty long gist. And finally, cumulatively Sam should have taken the title. But it's a competition, it's not real life. Oh well!
01February | thank goodness for my brain
Oh my goodness. Hi, I'm back. This past week has been the most anxiety-ridden week I've had in a while, and I will not lie - it is partially attributed to the fact that I was blogless. I've had a blog, more or less continuously, since I was 19... I'll be 24 in three days. Five years and I'm supposed to survive a week without an online outlet? You've gotta be kidding me. Anyway there are still some kinks to work out, but the important thing is that I can blog, and I didn't lose my archives. The amount of relief that I feel right now is immense, almost to a pathetic degree... So I don't even know how to start catching up on the past week. I've actually been feeling pretty angsty, for several reasons - I'm attributing most of it to not enough sleep because I've been waking up early to run for my training, but I think I'm also feeling a bit cooped up by the weather, by work, and by life. I don't know what I need, or what I can do to get myself out of the weird funk I seem to have fallen into... which has just left me sort of cranky and helpless. That said, my birthday is in three days and my party is this weekend :) So I'm psyching myself up for that. AND Hanson is PLAYING A SHOW IN JERSEY ON MARCH 1ST! I can't even believe it... it's their first show in over a year (I didn't go to any shows on the last tour) and the first new music in almost three. And tickets go on sale tomorrow, and I am most definitely getting up early to get them. THAT should lift my spirits... at least enough to prep me for my 8-mile treadmill run on Saturday...
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