Happy new year. I am back in Brooklyn, having had a very strange and thought-provoking past four days. Friday night we had a party at my apartment - it was very college throwback, complete with beer pong/beirut, flip cup, asshole, 7-11-doubles, etc... and then Saturday morning my brothers, Jueli (little brother's girlfriend) and I headed to Jersey to spend New Year's with my parents.
Thus the weekend was full of food, arguments, Turbo Cranium, and mahjong. I have to say that even though I was sort of disgruntled about having to go home for New Year's, it was pretty nice to spend time with my family and not worry about making extravagant plans for the holiday.
Recent events have left me feeling a bit whirlwinded - suddenly back in touch with an ex-boyfriend I'd long filed away under "will never contact me again" which of course dredges up buried memories of both when we were together and when we were breaking up, a more recent ex actually following through on the "I want to be friends" line which is throwing me for a loop, and finding out that the ex of 2006 is now in a relationship. Which of course, I should have expected because that is the irony that is my life.
I'm fully aware that my thoughts very heavily involve men, whether they are ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, or prospective boyfriends. Sometimes I'm self-conscious about it because I feel like people judge me for it, but at the same time I can't necessarily change who I am and what gets to me. Everything else in my life falls into place relatively well - they're also things that I can manage on my own. If I'm feeling unproductive, I can start a new creative project. If I'm feeling sluggish, I can motivate myself to run. If I'm feeling socially overwhelmed, I can take some me time. But the one thing that I can't control is relationships, and it is so incredibly frustrating.
Anyway what I've come out of this deciding is that I'm throwing up a wall. I've hated to think about doing this before, because it's what people have done to me ("I don't want a relationship because the last one ruined me, blah blah cry me a river") but I simply don't have the emotional energy left to go through another one only to have them leave me for someone else. Why should I keep letting people have me, half-assed, when all it does is wear me down?
In fact I refuse to wax about it anymore right now. I'm going to wash up, get in bed, watch Little Miss Sunshine with directors' commentary, and hope that I dream about Paul Dano. :)
