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24January | i know, i've been bad
I know I haven't written in a little while. I've actually had plenty to say, but for some reason haven't found the right motivation to write it or the time to sit down and really think about it. I'll focus more on it this weekend, I promise. But I just had to say that: tonight's Top Chef Finale Pt. 1 was probably one of the most nerve-wracking hours (or, hour and fifteen minutes) of television I have experienced probably since I was a child and watched the last ten minutes of the Miss USA competition knelt about a foot from the television screen, fingers tightly crossed for my favorite to win. Only this time I sat with my knees tensely drawn, one hand clutching a Blue Moon and the other clutching my neck, and gasped for air. I could not believe that my little Marcel is moving onto the final round. Oh I'm so proud of him!
21January | poll
In regards to the surplus of clothing in my room, should I: 1. donate it Keep in mind that: a. I am poor, poor, poor right now and But that was over the summer when I had nothing else to do, and a car to take all my clothes to the post office. What should I do?!
21January | what saturdays should be like
Today (well, yesterday, it's past midnight) was probably one of the better Saturdays I've had in a while - I spent it mostly with myself and interchangeably with Kyle (new roommate), but accomplished a lot! I woke up early - not as early as I had planned, but early enough - and got an essential load of laundry done, then geared up for my 6-mile run despite the threat of snow around noon. Well, there was no snow, but there was a lot of cold wind and freezing temperatures, which made it not the worst run I've ever had, but certainly not pleasant. I believe there were points where I literally said aloud, "Please stop!" to the cruel, cruel gusts of wind that overtook me as I ran uphill in Prospect Park. Then I felt my legs turn to rubber in the last mile and part of my brain shut down just so I could make it home on autopilot. And then I couldn't walk for the rest of the day. Okay I can walk. Just not without some pain... Anyway then I had a nice lunch, took a nap (a novel activity for me... I hate naps) and worked on updating marcialeichter.com for the rest of the afternoon and evening - made me a little bit of money. Then it was time for Arrested Development! I don't think I've mentioned this on my blog yet but I'm very much into it right now. I know there will be people who will scoff at how late in the game I am, and how back when it was on television I didn't watch it, but I don't really like watching shows during the height of their popularity. Besides now that it's on DVD I don't have to wait a week between each episode. I've finished Season One - I'm about to get into bed and start Season Two. Oh I should also mention that I called Sam, my Australian friend, and we chatted for a good chunk of time. I can't comfortably say that I'm still mad at him about the holidays - because I don't necessarily think that my reaction is all due to him alone - it was good to talk to him again as it had been a while. Still kind of wish I'd seen him though. Okay good night-
19January | i feel a little better
Well, I'm still kind of feeling overwhelmed by life, but after sobering up (ha) and getting some perspective from some good friends, I'm feeling a bit more hopeful about the state of things. I could chalk it up to hormones, the stress of the beginning push of my half-marathon training, and a little too much to drink last night, but I know that my issues are somewhat real. Not to say they aren't manageable. But I know they're founded from several distinguishable roots. That said, I've got a boatload of things to do this weekend, and I'm feeling like I need to make a to-do list for life. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I don't want to lose my focus anymore. I want to believe in what I know is true for me, and be staunch in myself and my identity. My 3-miler went much better today than earlier this week. I'm still a little scared for 6 miles this weekend, but I'm sure I'll be all right. [EDIT] Okay sorry but I just really have to vent this one little nugget: I hate being flaked on. It is probably my biggest pet peeve in life. I don't know what the root of this one is, but I can't stand lack of follow-through. Okay that is all. [/EDIT]
18January | this is why i don't drink on weekdays
you ever feel like you just want to lay low for a while? or like... kind of hide away somewhere, unnoticed? or just stop time so you can take a few breaths and catch up with yourself? i'm finding it harder and harder to think for myself lately and i don't really know how to fix that. why don't i trust my instincts anymore? are they that skewed? is it backwards to see a therapist to learn independent thinking?
16January | today was a cranky day
I should have expected that the first day back at work after a long weekend would be painful, but today was especially challenging to get through, for several reasons. 1. I woke up early to do my second 3-miler of the week (first was Monday), even though when my alarm went off at six, I was more tempted than ever to just stay in my nice warm comfy bed and put it off a couple days. However, I can't possibly run tomorrow, as I have evening plans and it's going to be in the teens in the morning, so after about ten minutes of contemplation, I forced myself out of bed and went for my run. And it wasn't very good. I mean, maybe my muscles are just tired, but yesterday and today just didn't flow very well. I was quite upset about it. :( 2. IT IS SO COLD AAAHH 3. So remember what happened with my friend Sam? Last night I decided that I was going to email him to find out what had happened, and I guess I was more agitated than I thought because when I showed what I'd written to a handful of people today, they were all SHOCKED at how mean it was... some used descriptors like "harsh" and "cold." Now, this took me completely by surprise because while I did mean for the email to get my point across, I was actually trying to be somewhat dry and sarcastic about it, which I guess is difficult to convey via email. So I spent all day freaking out about it, worrying that he read it and thought I HATE him, or worse, decided that he HATES me, and am really not feeling much better about it now and wondering if I should try to do anything about it before he (perhaps never) replies. I actually still don't know what to do other than wait a few days and see if he replies, but also see how I feel about it then. I guess I've concluded that if I haven't heard from him by Friday morning I'll give him a call and hope he hasn't blacklisted me. 4. Oh, that's it. That's really the only thing that has truly been plaguing me all day. That, and my legs hurt a lot. Now I am going to put my cranky self to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better even though the high is only going to be 28 and the RealFeel only 20 degrees.
16January | *whimper*
The thermometer has icicles. I'm scared!! ps Lisa, I know. It's not MINUS FORTY. But I don't care!! This is why I don't live in Canada :(
14January | a change of scene
Here it is... the fruits of my long weekend. Hope you like it - there is some new content, so just play around I guess. And let me know what you think. So my first week of marathon training went really well. I ran a total of 12.5 miles, and although my body is hurting a bit, the actual runs themselves were smooth and well-paced, and I'm totally geared up for week two. Though I think I should probably start keeping a journal or calendar of both my running and eating, to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition. Lots of bananas is key. Okay I've been sitting at my computer for a very long time this weekend, so I'm off to sit in front of the television. :)
13January | i am a freaking genius
So, I discovered today that commenting was not working on my site. This required me to re-load a configuration script into my blogging platform and re-name my comment script to avoid spammers. Then commenting was fixed, but for some reason when a comment is posted, you are then linked to the monthly archive page rather than the individual entry page as it was before. So THEN I had to then slog through pages and pages of manuals, troubleshooting and help forums to figure out how to restore THAT link, and the whole process took like literally two hours. BUT I did it! And now all is fixed, just in time for me to strip it all down in anticipation of my new layout. Oh well...
13January | more IM fun!
11January | so seriously
Why do people treat each other like crap? Why do we fuck with each other's heads and play insane mind games, withhold the truth, hide in ourselves and manipulate each other's feelings? I mean... why can't we all take responsibility for our own psychological neuroses, and stop doing shit like this to each other? And why are we all so susceptible that we can't shake feelings like that, even if the physical source of them is long gone? I hate the game of him vs. her, I think it's so subjective and it just makes us so wary and jaded. People have questioned my judgment in still allowing exes passage into my life, and understandably so, but the difference to me is in intent, and in my need to forgive - not just for the sake of the forgiven, but so I can hope to be forgiven as well. I know this doesn't make too much sense. I haven't really thought it through well enough to articulate it. I have been exhausted since coming home from work and am soon heading to bed. Am very glad the weekend is upon us - I have much to do.
10January | wednesday nights are the bestest
because I LOVE TOP CHEF
teehee
10January | IT SNOWED!!!!
OMG IT SNOWED FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES!!!! HURRAY THE WORLD IS NOT MELTING!!!! -Wednesday morning, 10am
08January | yes
So, I thought about not posting this in case I didn't follow through on it, so that the whole Internet didn't have to know about my personal failures, but then I figured that if I do post it, I'll have more motivation to follow through. I decided last night that I am going to run a half marathon this year. I think the Brooklyn one is in April, though I'm not sure because it is mysteriously impossible to find any information on it online. At any rate, even if I don't get to do it officially until summer or fall, I am going to start training for it now. I started thinking about distance running back in November, when the NYC Marathon trapped me on the other side of 4th Avenue and I was forced to stand and watch them go by for hours and hours - I noticed that the people running it were of different ages, shapes, sizes, speeds... and I thought, this is something that I could do. With the right training and preparation, I really could do it. And it would just be... I guess symbolic of my triumph over so many of the insecurities that have plagued me for pretty much my whole life - my weight, my eating issues, overall health, and physical achievements. If you look at the high school me, you would never imagine that in my twenties I would run a marathon. Clearly a marathon is a lofty ambition, and I'd like to start smaller. Once I achieve that, I can decide if a full is really something that I feel like I want to do. I just think I've been distracted by too many things in the past few years, and I'm finally kind of narrowing in on what really matters to me. My body and my health, both mental and physical, are things that I really haven't been taking the best care of, and I want to fix that, starting now. So don't let me let you down!
07January | wheeee!!
This weekend was so much fun! I am so tired, but it was the perfect balance of productivity and play. Well, maybe too much play at some points. Whatever. Making all sorts of resolutions and trying to stick with them - we'll see how it plays out. I'm needing to trust a lot of people's abilities to understand me... or not. Maybe they'll just think I'm crazy.
06January | 2007: week one (no, this is not a recurring pattern)
So, as you can see below there was a bit of craziness going on earlier this week. I'm not a comment deleter, because I'm all for people taking responsibility for their words and if they choose to say something in response to what I write, then they're also opening themselves up to a public forum. I will say this, though - on a site as small as mine, posting as "Anonymous" really does not do much to conceal one's identity. Posting as "Anonymous" and then later posting under one's real name kind of just makes one look a little silly, and desperate for attention. Although it did provide me with a boatload of hilarity at work. This week has also brought me back in touch with Mat, an ex-boyfriend who I dated spring and summer of 2005 - things ended roughly and it took me a while to kind of pick myself back up from it all, but he seems a bit more level-headed now. And we'd always had so much to talk about. It's good to be able to reconnect, and we realized that we didn't really communicate as well as we could have back then; we walked away from the situation with the completely wrong impression of each other, as well as how we felt about each other during the relationship. Oh, how young we were. Also - my friend Sam, from Australia, whom I was so excited about being in NYC, has just finished his trip here and I think is headed back to Australia today. I did not receive one phone call from him, and obviously did not see him. I'm confused, disgruntled, and frankly annoyed about it - I don't even know how to elaborate past that. Much of my anxiety stems from things not happening when I expect them to, and for him to keep me waiting around to hear from him for two weeks with nothing but an email promising he would call yet no followup, is pretty shitty. But other than that, I'd say the new year is off to a very fascinating start.
05January | things that molly and i love... just because :)
molly: argyle socks
01January | a new year's resolution of sorts
Happy new year. I am back in Brooklyn, having had a very strange and thought-provoking past four days. Friday night we had a party at my apartment - it was very college throwback, complete with beer pong/beirut, flip cup, asshole, 7-11-doubles, etc... and then Saturday morning my brothers, Jueli (little brother's girlfriend) and I headed to Jersey to spend New Year's with my parents. Thus the weekend was full of food, arguments, Turbo Cranium, and mahjong. I have to say that even though I was sort of disgruntled about having to go home for New Year's, it was pretty nice to spend time with my family and not worry about making extravagant plans for the holiday. Recent events have left me feeling a bit whirlwinded - suddenly back in touch with an ex-boyfriend I'd long filed away under "will never contact me again" which of course dredges up buried memories of both when we were together and when we were breaking up, a more recent ex actually following through on the "I want to be friends" line which is throwing me for a loop, and finding out that the ex of 2006 is now in a relationship. Which of course, I should have expected because that is the irony that is my life. I'm fully aware that my thoughts very heavily involve men, whether they are ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, or prospective boyfriends. Sometimes I'm self-conscious about it because I feel like people judge me for it, but at the same time I can't necessarily change who I am and what gets to me. Everything else in my life falls into place relatively well - they're also things that I can manage on my own. If I'm feeling unproductive, I can start a new creative project. If I'm feeling sluggish, I can motivate myself to run. If I'm feeling socially overwhelmed, I can take some me time. But the one thing that I can't control is relationships, and it is so incredibly frustrating. Anyway what I've come out of this deciding is that I'm throwing up a wall. I've hated to think about doing this before, because it's what people have done to me ("I don't want a relationship because the last one ruined me, blah blah cry me a river") but I simply don't have the emotional energy left to go through another one only to have them leave me for someone else. Why should I keep letting people have me, half-assed, when all it does is wear me down? In fact I refuse to wax about it anymore right now. I'm going to wash up, get in bed, watch Little Miss Sunshine with directors' commentary, and hope that I dream about Paul Dano. :)
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