So, been thinking lately and you know how dangerous that can be... although I think it's been a lot of subconscious, dream-thinking that I wasn't really aware of until I was walking home tonight.

I don't know who reads this but I'm going to take a safe gamble that the people I'm worried about reading, actually don't, because they probably have better things to do with their lives than read my blog on a regular basis, if at all. And if they do read it, then I guess I should own up to my feelings anyway.

I've been around enough women in the past six months to kind of see that I am a pretty active dater in the realm of whatever dating means nowadays - and although I think I've wised up since last year, a lot of times I think I'm still sort of careless and lost. And, well, young. I wrote about this in my 'zine but a part of me kind of wants to shut that part of me out, and just build really good friendships so that I never have to feel so lost, you know? But at the same time I have always been a very romantic person, and I guess I get caught up in the experience and don't know how to separate getting to know someone and kind of just spending wasted time with them.

I'm currently seeing someone who is separated, and although I don't see it as a stigma necessarily, it's made me sort of wary and also wonder how I figure into his life in the grand scheme of his existence. Saturday night after our party I fell asleep still drunk and woke up throughout the night from dreams of him telling me that he still misses his wife, which obviously freaked me out but also really made me think that I'm probably somewhat insignificant in the whole of his thoughts right now. Which, you know, sucks. And I could find out if that is in fact true, but I sort of don't think I want to get into any more of men's feelings right now - it just takes too much energy.

I kind of wish that I could wear a paper bag over my head for a couple days, just kind of burrow internally until I figure some things out. I don't want to be so transparent and I don't want to always wear my heart on my sleeve. It's exhausting.