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27December | mouth diarrhea
Okay. I am here now, ready to provide a more meaty update. Being home for Christmas was great - I got some running in, made my obligatory Target trip, introduced my family to the glory that is Elf, and caught up with high school friends. My family also sat down and watched all of our Christmas home videos starting from 1987 to the present. In essence, I watched my brothers and me grow up before my very eyes. And yes, it was painful, as apparently when I was about 13 and 14 years old I went through male puberty and had an astonishingly deep voice. Yeah, I don't know what that's about, but luckily I got through that phase and now have a pleasantly feminine tone when I speak. We also watched a CD-ROM of pictures from my grandfather's funeral back in October. I feel like this merits an entry of its own, because it's something that I've really been thinking about a lot since October, but I suppose I should at least mention that it was the first time my parents have directly addressed death with their children beyond the facts, and I could barely speak even though my head was burning with questions and thoughts. And then I cried and they all stared at me. Awkward... Moving on, I also put together my friend Lauren's wedding website - check it out here. And finally, because several people have inquired, my 12/23 post was not about the most recent guy. In fact, it might have even been mere speculation, but history shows that my speculation has almost always been right, so I'd rather not even think about it past that. I actually haven't written anything about most recent guy (and is he really the most recent? I would venture to say not) because I was trying to keep the upper hand, but I think a. I don't care about the upper hand anymore and would rather be a petty bitch for once and b. he's more likely than not too absorbed in his own life to even bother caring that I have a blog, so I am going to write about him. He is 30, and as I found out after I'd met him and gotten his number, separated but not legally divorced. That much I could look past for the moment, since I wasn't really looking for an intense, lifelong relationship (especially considering that five days before I met him, I'd decided that I was going through a period of non-dating. Or as Molly likes to reference Grey's, "knitting"). And we had a couple weeks of fun - dinners, chatting, meeting his dog, etc. - I won't lie, I found him to be extremely charming and interesting and appropriately dorky, though incredibly self-aware (which as you might know, is the one quality that many, many, MANY men I date, lack). He told me that he wasn't looking for a long-term relationship and was "dating around" - same for me, and I was content with just getting to know him. However, I soon found him to also be extremely excited about the physical aspect of dating, which of course has its place and can be very nice, but also is something that frankly, I'm tired of just doling out like candy. I've been through that phase and when I was in that mindset perhaps I didn't mind so much, but it's not really something I can quite deal with right now. And so I pushed back, but I started to feel like even with the efforts I made it was really the main thing that he was looking for, especially when we stopped going on out actual dates and just watched television at his apartment. All right... So after two weeks of zero initiation from him and no apology for it, I called him out on it, and his startled response was: "we're just dating." Which, to me, is a total bullshit answer, because when you decide to date someone, whether or not you're exclusive, it's kind of an assumption that you'll try to see them or at least speak to them on a regular basis. Unless you're just screwing around, which... well... I suppose that speaks for itself. Anyway I told him that I didn't like feeling used, and that I thought we should probably stop hooking up as much, or else we should stop getting to know each other and just hook up because I really can't be doing both with someone who's technically still married. And he said, "maybe we should stop seeing each other altogether." I said, "is that really what you want?" and he fumbled for a bit, so I said "think about it, and let me know, preferably sooner rather than later." That was Saturday, December 16th. I have not heard from him, which of course I am taking to assume that it is really what he wants, but I just think it's shitty that he decided that "let me know" actually meant "why don't you just ignore me and pretend we never had this conversation." And of course, though I know it shouldn't, it has only added to my complex that I am unimportant and easily forgettable. I don't know what the hell guys want from me (although I guess now I have a pretty clear picture of what he wanted) and I'm SICK AND TIRED of only being valued because I'm pretty and fun to be around for what seems like a very short while. And that is all. Thank you for letting me vent on my own blog. It has been a while. :)
26December | between holidays
So I am back in New York, having spent a lovely few days at home with my family and celebrating a lowkey Christmas. I got some sweet presents: a new Fossil watch, a Creative Zen V, and noise-cancelling headphones from my fam, and a little gift box of Lush soaps from Diane in our high school friends grab bag. I have pics to unload from my camera, but it's a bit late and I've been sitting in front of my computer all night working on my friend Lauren's wedding website (link to follow as soon as I figure out how to upload it onto her domain) and I need to get up and walk around a bit before I settle into bed. Also, have been having an inordinate amount of frenetic dreams lately, as the contact I've had lately with my ex-boyfriends has like exponentially increased. Who knew I still had so much emotional... remnants? Working two days this week, and then it's our New Year's Eve's Eve's Eve party! And Jueli's coming to visit! And she's going to sleep in my bed! YAY
23December | a request to everyone
stop breaking up with me and giving me dramatic "not ready for relationship" stories and then getting involved with other people. please, just stop. i really can't take it anymore.
21December | quick list
1. I love that with one email, Molly has put me back in touch with several people from my past (including herself).
19December | for diane
So last night was the Digitas holiday party. It was a swanked out occasion at Cipriani (though, strangely, the location it was at is not listed on the website...) and felt very much like prom. Except 1. no date required thank GOD and 2. I actually had a good time. Ha. Anyway, it was my first big corporate holiday party - the companies I've been with in the past have been too small to have anything like this - and I was a bit overwhelmed but also feeling very grown up ;) even though I was probably one of the youngest people there. I put up some pictures at my Flickr page if you're interested. In other news, Christmas is in six days!! I feel like it's completely crept up on me - partially because of this weird weather, but also because I've been kind of enveloped in work and all sorts of other drama. I mean I have all my presents and cards bought and made, but I guess I'm not really feeling the Christmas spirit. What does a girl need to do to dredge up some Christmas spirit?! Maybe I'll wear my Santa hat tomorrow. [EDIT] Ooh I found a survey to do. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Did anyone close to you give birth? Did anyone close to you die? What countries did you visit? What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? What was your biggest achievement of the year? What was your biggest failure? Did you suffer illness or injury? What was the best thing you bought? Whose behavior merited celebration? Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Where did most of your money go? What did you get really, really, really excited about? What songs will always remind you of 2006? Compared to this time last year, are you... What do you wish you'd done more of? What do you wish you'd done less of? How will you be spending Christmas? Did you fall in love in 2006? How many one-night stands? What was your favorite TV program? Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? What was the best book you read? What was your greatest musical discovery? What did you want and get? What did you want and not get? What was your favorite film of this year? What did you do on your birthday, and how old? What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? What kept you sane? Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? What political issue stirred you the most? Who did you miss? Who was the best new person you met? Was 2006 a good year for you? What was your favorite moment of the year? What was your least favorite moment of the year? Where were you when 2006 began? Who were you with? Where will you be when 2006 ends? Who will you be with when 2006 ends? What was your favorite month of 2006? How many different states did you travel to in 2006? How many concerts did you see in 2006? Did you have a favorite concert in 2006? Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? What was the worst lie someone told you in 2006? Did you treat somebody badly in 2006? Did somebody treat you badly in 2006? If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be? What are your plans for 2007?
16December | perspective
So, as I mentioned last night, I've been frustrated and annoyed lately - I should disclaim that although it was my manager at work who dispensed advice on my guilt complex, my issues are not work related - but today I seem to have settled into some sort of peace. I woke up early and headed out to do my Christmas shopping - it turned into a full day of walking, choosing, deliberating, and spending - I was out from 8:30am until 7:15pm, and on my way home I stopped at this little grill/eatery that opened a few blocks from me like six months ago. It was the first time I'd ever stepped in there, and the moment I entered, the man behind the counter greeted me and proceeded to introduce me to all of the food they had to offer me. He was a petite man, wearing a beat-up baseball cap, with a gold tooth and a slight foreign accent. I had walked in intending to get a falafel sandwich that had been advertised on the markerboard out front, but as he explained all of the hot dishes as well as pricing and meal structure, I was charmed into trying some jerk chicken and plaintains. He was so cheerful and pleasant that I couldn't help but smile, and feel a genuine sense of uncontrived goodwill. A little boy stepped in as the man was packaging my food, and through their non-English conversation I assumed him to be the man's son. I took my food, put a dollar in the tip jar (uncommon practice for me) and stepped out just as the little boy scampered out in front of me. I watched him half-run, half-skip down the sidewalk to the end of the block, wondering how his father could trust him to run around outside unattended, and in a t-shirt in the chilly evening air. The boy skidded to a stop outside the deli on the opposite end of the block, yanked the door open and marched in like it was his own home, and I realized that he probably knew the deli owners as well. They were all neighbors, friends, or family. And I thought, what is that little boy's life like? Does he go to school around here? Is that in fact his father, and is the teenage boy who often sells me my Diet Cokes at the deli, his brother? In ten years when that little boy reflects back on his childhood, what will stand out? How will his childhood surroundings affect his adult persona? I was transfixed by these thoughts, and again floored by the concept that there are hundreds, thousands, millions of lives happening all around me, walking by me on the street, milling around the mall and Lexington Avenue today. And yet I've let myself be bogged down by such petty and, dare I say, luxurious and trivial concerns. My life is great, in so many ways - the things that bring me down are only able to do so because I make them important when really, they don't have to be. And so I take this pettiness and the lingering frustration and I cast it aside, allowing more room for love, and thoughtfulness, and forgiveness.
16December | it's hard to type with glue on my fingers
As much as I love the idea of walking around with glue on my hands because it means I'm so crafty and artistic, it really is just an inconvenience when it comes to things like eating, and peeing. And superglue is impossible to get off :( Anyway - I spent tonight finishing up a pack of notecards I am making for a gift, as well as several more pieces of jewelry. (And I just found glue under my nail... wah) It was good to burrow myself into creativity for a night, especially because I had the apartment to myself - nice and quiet. I've been sort of generally annoyed lately - petty things are getting on my nerves even as I sit and realize that I shouldn't let things get to me. My manager at work says that I have a guilt complex and I need to just let it go - which is true, but somehow I just can't bring myself to stop worrying about how other people are feeling, and/or altering my behavior to try to remedy that. Ugh, I don't know. I don't understand why people are so shitty and irresponsible sometimes - but then I wonder if I'm shitty and irresponsible to other people and then I feel like a hypocrite. I'm so glad it's the weekend. I don't want to think about anything except Christmas presents. :)
14December | early new year's resolution
Two days ago I decided that I wanted to get back in shape, and be as healthy a person as I can be. That means more fruits and vegetables (I refuse to let New York make me lazy about produce!), running regularly, and the cessation of a bad habit that I picked up back when I was a sullen teenager. Well, several of those bad habits. It's always been an alluring vision of mine to be someone outdoorsy, who loves nature and can just step outside and run a couple miles to relieve stress. When I was in college I knew a girl who spent most if not all of her time in shorts, a sports bra, t-shirt and sneakers so that "I can run a mile whenever I want." Sometimes I wish I could do that - what a freedom that is, you know? Anyway, yesterday I woke up before the sun and ran a couple miles in dawning Brooklyn Heights before work. I started feeling the tightness in my stomach and back muscles right away and it continued on through today, but I came home from work and did another couple miles in Park Slope anyway. I know this is a really romantic notion, but maybe the cold has held off as a way to push me back into this routine. The temperature right now is perfect - not too warm, just cool enough that I can wear a t-shirt and a thin hooded sweatshirt and feel fine, and it smells so crisp, like the lingering autumn. All the silly emotional things that have been plaguing me are just erased right now, and I'm just so content with me, and so alive.
14December | winter is having an identity crisis
Can we talk about how the high for the next 5 days is in the UPPER 50's?! Hi, weather, it's December, and I would really like to wear the cute winter attire that has been hanging in my closet, bursting to get out. I know people like it warm, but really, warm has its place. And it does not belong on December 14th.
12December | crafty
Tonight after work I went to the Rag Shop in Brooklyn - I rode the D train out to 55th Street, which is apparently Boro Park. The neighborhood is very Polish, Hasidic Jewish, and I think Russian. It was really interesting to see another part of Brooklyn - I'll maybe get into that in a later post. Anyway, I've been inspired lately to get back into making things - cards, jewelry and the like - and have spent the past week trolling around the city trying to find the right supplies. So I came home and made a couple cute things - I'm being vague because these will probably be Christmas presents - and I have to wait until tomorrow to see how they set. I'm excited, but nervous... you know how sometimes you think you have a marvelous idea for creating something and then it just turns out terribly sub-par? I really hope they don't turn out like that, because I had been enthusiastically planning it for the last couple days. Anyway, tomorrow brings my first run in a couple weeks, a full day at work, and a lovely dinner in with a good friend and Will Ferrell. I'd better get in bed...
11December | #1 reader
I'd like to thank Lisa for inadvertently giving me the push I needed to get my ass back into reading. Over the summer she sent me Blue Like Jazz and, I'll admit, it took me a while to remember to pack it in my bag whenever I went out, but once I did, and starting reading it on my commutes, in coffee shops, while doing my laundry... I rediscovered my love for books. When I was younger, I read like a fiend. I read your classic little-girl books - the Baby-sitters Club series, Sweet Valley Twins, the Boxcar Children, the American Girls Collection. I read Judy Blume, the Ramona books, Norma Fox Mazer's A My Name Is... series. I practically lived in the library, always had my bespectacled face in a beat up paperback, my mind turning furiously, noting small details, names that stuck in my mind forever. (Who could forget Moose, who mowed the lawn in Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?) I can still tell you the line that defined the moment I realized that there was so much more to writing than telling a straight story: it was in Silver, by Norma Fox Mazer. She was describing a woman in a bathrobe; "there was a rip in the pocket." And it just hit me - it's about images, the moment. It's about experiencing each moment along with the characters. I was a voracious reader all though middle school, and high school. I gladly read our assigned books for English class - until I hit senior year and enrolled in AP English with Mr. Strauss, an effeminate, old-worldly sophisticated man who crossed his legs and wore nubbly sweaters and wire-framed glasses. He, by all means, should have been a college professor, and I wasn't prepared for the level of insight and analysis that he expected from his students. We read Dubliners, Sons and Lovers, damned if I remember any more of them because I'm pretty sure I didn't actually read them. My ability to process such thick text just wasn't developed enough, and I was lost. At Haverford, there was very little question that I was going to major in English. It wasn't so much that I loved to read; it was that I loved to write. My first literature class was American Gothic Literature; we read such dense and infuriatingly vague gems as The House of Seven Gables, The Turn of the Screw, and of course, some works by Edgar Allen Poe. Throughout the rest of my college career I took Shakespeare, English Epic, and Chinese literature courses to fulfill my pre-20th century lit requirements, but they pained me. I quickly found that I loved my modern fiction classes more - Asian-American Literature, Contemporary Women Writers, Violence in Contemporary American Literature... I connected with the books in a way much deeper than I could ever relate to Shakespeare. They opened my heart, and were real to me. They made me want to write. My senior thesis was a novella; I had been chosen for a Creative Writing concentration with my major, and my assignment was to write a novella, then write a critical introduction to it that studied it alongside other, published, works. I found this to be interminably fascinating, albeit slightly daunting - part of me wonders how I would do it if I were to recreate the assignment now. Through that experience I began to read with different eyes. Repeated symbolism jumped out at me after I had knowingly planted it in my own writing, and I started to see meaning deliberately embedded between lines, weaved within words. After I graduated, I stopped reading, with the exception of indulgent reads like Harry Potter and the Unfortunate Events series. Lisa and I even tried to start a book club, but neither of us could simultaneously get into the books we chose. I read a novel here and there, but was never inspired nor recommended to pick up another after I finished each one. But now, since Blue Like Jazz, I've read The Namesake (Jhumpa Lahiri), Lucky (Alice Sebold), The Glass Castle (Jeannette Walls), and I'm about to finish The Memory Keeper's Daughter (Kim Edwards). And I'm just so moved, all the time. I'm riveted to the page, falling asleep with my book, visibly reacting to the words I'm reading no matter where I am. Today I didn't want the subway to reach my stop because it meant I had to close the book and get off the train. I've got several books on deck: Little Children (Tom Perrotta), The History of Love (Nicole Krauss), The Bonfire of the Vanities (Tom Wolfe), My Sister's Keeper (Jodi Picoult), The Interpreter of Maladies (Jhumpa Lahiri) and a re-read of the entire Unfortunate Events series, now that all thirteen have been released. I just love the idea of all these stories held in my hand, carried with me on my traipses through the city. Everything is tucked away in those words, they hold so much weight just waiting to be unraveled by my eager, careful eyes. I want to collect them all in a pile, whole lives and worlds shut away in each book, bursting with endless possibility.
09December | time for lists!
Fun things that happened today: Sad things that happened today: Speaking of cupcakes, I now have an overabundance of them in my room. A couple days ago Jaymie and I went to the grand opening of Crumbs on 8th and University because they were giving away free mini cupcakes, and we each ended up buying three huge ones... I've since eaten half of a Raspberry Swirl and half of a Pumpkin. Then yesterday I met up with my friend Dave from CTY a couple years back and I took him there (and they had MORE free mini cupcakes!!), and we split a Cookie Dough. And THEN today, after dinner, I took my aunt and uncle and mom to Buttercup and my aunt bought four cupcakes, and then GAVE THEM ALL TO ME. I'm thinking about sharing them tomorrow... but... maybe not ;) [totally unrelated PS] Oh yeah... by the way... theoretically, if someone told you that they didn't really want to see you or hang out with you anymore, and two months later you texted them anyway, and they ignored you, why would you bother texting them again a week later? Thoughts? [/t.u.PS]
08December | friday night television
I'm watching Tyra right now on Oxygen, and it's about "party girls" who go out and binge drink and emulate celebrities like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. They're all impeccably made up, bleached blond (some extensions), wearing nearly identical outfits - cinched-waist belts, skinny pants and black stilettos. They go out every night, and oftentimes are so drunk they don't realize what they're doing. And I just feel kinda sick. What the hell is happening to kids and teens these days? It's like we're looking at the apocalypse or something. In the past couple months I've gone out more than usual - at first it was because I'd been dating someone who liked to go out late on weekends, and he brought me along for the ride. It was fun most of the time, but sometimes I would sit and watch the scene and wonder what the point really was - and why the boy that I was with felt the need to engage in this week after week. At that point, sometimes I would think, maybe I should have a few more drinks. But why is that a remedy for thoughts like that? You know? So I can become one of those people who gets wasted and becomes reckless? After he and I stopped dating, it became less of a weekly pattern for me to go out, but I still like the idea of catching a few drinks at a bar on a weekend night, and kind of relax a bit. I don't know. It's fun, and sometimes I just want to go out and laugh and be stupid, but then other times I'm not sure I'm comfortable with how alluring it is. It makes people make poor decisions, it makes them sick, it makes them a danger to themselves and others. So - what's the point, again? Sometimes I think I should have studied psychology.
07December | like tatiana, i am hormonal
By the way, it's 1:37am and I can't sleep, which sucks because I've been really tired all week, and I'm going to see a show with Jaymie tomorrow night (technically tonight) which means I'll be out late-ish, and I need to get into work early so I can catch up on all the shit I apparently keep forgetting to do. Which brings us to our next point - I feel like I am losing my mind at work. And I'm perpetually worried about getting in trouble because of the delightfully awful experiences I had at my last job. Today was just a string of confrontations about tasks that I had simply neglected to do, one after the other, and by the end of the day I really just felt like a miserable, useless failure. (Please refer to subject line... yes, I am melodramatic as well) Anyway, a friend of mind sent me a link to this story this afternoon in the midst of my work-induced stress and I cried. I CRIED! I can't even look at it anymore. Then after work I came home and watched the finale of America's Next Top Model... cried again. Now I'm about to cry from fatigue, and the fact that despite the fatigue and heaviness in my eyes, I know I'm going to lie down and not be able to sleep. :( Friday, where are you?
05December | i slept for 14 hours yesterday and still i'm tired
So, been thinking lately and you know how dangerous that can be... although I think it's been a lot of subconscious, dream-thinking that I wasn't really aware of until I was walking home tonight. I don't know who reads this but I'm going to take a safe gamble that the people I'm worried about reading, actually don't, because they probably have better things to do with their lives than read my blog on a regular basis, if at all. And if they do read it, then I guess I should own up to my feelings anyway. I've been around enough women in the past six months to kind of see that I am a pretty active dater in the realm of whatever dating means nowadays - and although I think I've wised up since last year, a lot of times I think I'm still sort of careless and lost. And, well, young. I wrote about this in my 'zine but a part of me kind of wants to shut that part of me out, and just build really good friendships so that I never have to feel so lost, you know? But at the same time I have always been a very romantic person, and I guess I get caught up in the experience and don't know how to separate getting to know someone and kind of just spending wasted time with them. I'm currently seeing someone who is separated, and although I don't see it as a stigma necessarily, it's made me sort of wary and also wonder how I figure into his life in the grand scheme of his existence. Saturday night after our party I fell asleep still drunk and woke up throughout the night from dreams of him telling me that he still misses his wife, which obviously freaked me out but also really made me think that I'm probably somewhat insignificant in the whole of his thoughts right now. Which, you know, sucks. And I could find out if that is in fact true, but I sort of don't think I want to get into any more of men's feelings right now - it just takes too much energy. I kind of wish that I could wear a paper bag over my head for a couple days, just kind of burrow internally until I figure some things out. I don't want to be so transparent and I don't want to always wear my heart on my sleeve. It's exhausting.
03December | everything is good
Several revelations from this weekend: 1. Our holiday party fell, fortuitously, on Britney Spears's 25th birthday. Isn't that a riot?! I freaking love her! Totally should have had a cake. Or at least a round of shots in her honor. 2. I will be 24 in two months tomorrow. Oh, the excitement! I love birthdays! 3. I should never, ever be allowed to have more than 4 drinks in an evening. In an entire day. Especially in light of revelation #2... I should really be over the whole drunk thing. 4. I absolutely love the smell of lavender - and have decided that not only does my entire room need to smell like it, but I also need to spray it directly onto my sheets and pillows. 5. I've long thought that there was something wrong with me that led people to break up with me one after the other, but after way too much contact with or from too many ex-boyfriends/flings/whatever last week, I've come to the conclusion that they are the ones with the unresolved issues. I'm clearly moving along just fine. 6. Like I said... older is better! 7. Three cases of beer is a lot of beer. And a lot of money. And takes up a lot of room when people don't drink it and you have to keep it around for what looks like the next 6-8 months, or longer. 8. I love my Digitas friends! :) 9. I don't think I'm going to make it to 10... 10.
02December | i'm only doing this because i trust you'll love me just the same
I'm sorry... but if you can find me someone more gorgeous than him, I'll cut you a check for $100. Really.
I was tempted to put all sorts of disclaimers about how far removed I am from being a teenybopper or whatever, but I figured why bother? You won't believe me anyway...
01December | where the money's at!
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