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30November | this is pretty disconnected. sorry, but i'm tired :(
So, I've written a few times about the song I've been working on since May, Well, in the past couple months I've been going to the Guitar Center pretty regularly to iron it out. I do wish I had a private keyboard/piano, because sometimes it's really loud and distracting in the store, but until I have a spare $999.99 to spend on a keyboard, that'll have to do. Inevitably, as I sit there and try to tune all the other sounds out, someone will decide to stand or sit by me, and just watch me play and sing. While I find this to be flattering, I also find it to be kind of nerve-wracking and slightly bothersome. I'm clearly trying to figure out chords and lyrics, and often my eyes are closed, which to me, would indicate that I'm not open to idle chatter about how long I've been playing, if I'm in a band, if I'd like to teach a stranger how to play the piano, how old I am, if I have a boyfriend, etc. When this happens, I dread reaching the end of the song, because it means my observer can then strike up conversation. I'm too nice to ignore them, so I end up in some awkward chatter about my musical prowess. Once the talking ends, I return to my music and sometimes the person walks away, but other times they continue to watch me. So, I know on some levels I shouldn't really complain, because it means that someone appreciates my voice and my music. (At least that is what I'm going to tell myself!) But it's also somewhat intrusive, especially when I'm trying to engage in my own creative process, and they decide to sit DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME at the keyboard facing mine. Where am I supposed to look? Why do they have to stare at me? Can't they see I'm sweating from all the attention? The clincher - today someone told me that I have the stylings of John Lennon. John Lennon?! I mean... talk about pressure! I couldn't even continue to play after that.
28November | i love this band
I bought the first new Hanson track in nearly two years today: Great Divide, written to benefit AIDS awareness. I hadn't even known it was coming out until about a week ago, but then eagerly awaited its release today, and even downloaded ITunes at work in preparation to purchase it. It's a funk rock choral piece, very classic Hanson in the deep piano chords and tight harmonies in the chorus, but also a step forward from their previous work - more layers, less production, more soul. I listened to it and felt chills, and have been playing it intermittently with the rest of my music all day. Their music makes me want to close my eyes and let it resonate through my heart, literally move me, so I can feel my throat itch to sing their words back to them, and sing my own words to people I wish to touch. They've been my inspiration for almost a decade, pushing me to vocalize my thoughts and ideas and fight for what I truly believe. They're such a model of strength for me, and it's difficult for me to articulate that to people without sounding melodramatic, or naive and immature. But just as they do... I continue the fight, and I know what I believe to be true. They're the most genuine role models I've seen in my life, and I'm so proud to love them. [EDIT] Watch video here. I hope that some of my readers can keep an open mind about the band and watch their faces as they sing - there's something so real there. It's unbelievable how much they still affect me. Allison, are you watching? [/EDIT]
26November | on my way - this time around
Being home this time, for some reason, felt completely different than most other times. Maybe I'm more structured - I woke up before 10:00am every morning and enjoyed quality me time, saw old friends, and had a perfectly lovely lowkey Thanksgiving dinner with only a few minor bumps along the way. I went for a run on Friday evening - it was pleasantly brisk, with the residual fragrance of rain hanging lightly in the air - and I passed two high school girls running in the opposite direction. I made brief eye contact with the first girl, and as the second girl ran by, she called out, "Keep it up!" It was so unexpected, yet it gave me the push I needed to not only make it home without stopping, but to sprint the last block before I reached my driveway. It's probably mostly in my head, but with those three words she had expressed a kinship between us that, in plainclothes in our town somewhere, we would probably never know was there. I wouldn't classify myself as a "runner" in the true sense of the word, but we both understand that drive, that push to put our bodies through something that is so natural, yet in some aspects downright painful, in an effort to cleanse, to condition, to strengthen. As I ran, I also realized that it had been five years since I, then 18, had sprained my ankle running and thus ended what had been six months of intense physical training. Thanksgiving of 2001 had been the beginning of my ongoing struggle to get back into a somewhat constant routine of running, uninterrupted by down periods and frenetic eating habits - and five years later I'm running through the time that's passed and marveling at how quickly it's all gone by. Who am I now, and who was I back then? I'm coming back from this long weekend excited about life, and the way I'm living it now, and how I'm looking to make it even fuller. I'm making several resolutions and going to try my damnedest to stick to them, just in time to welcome a new year and to turn 24 in just two short months.
25November | i stole this meme
from Pea Soup, linked off of Lisa. (Incidentally, my very first website was called "Green Pea Soup"... that was seven years ago!!) Explain what ended your last relationship? When was the last time you shaved? What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Are you any good at math? Your prom night, what do you remember about it? Do you have any famous ancestors? Have you had to take a loan out for school? Last thing received in the mail? How many different beverages have you had today? Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? What is out your back door? Any plans for Friday night? Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Have you ever been to a planetarium? Do you re-use towels after you shower? Some things you are excited about? What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O? Describe your keychain(s) Where do you keep your change? When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? What kind of winter coat do you own? What was the weather like on your graduation day? Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? No virginity question! Whew!!
24November | post-thanksgiving
Well, last night was an extremely low-key Thanksgiving. I guess I should just accept the idea that if I'm ever to have what I perceive to be a "normal" Thanksgiving, it needs to be when I am older and have my own family and can coerce my brothers into spending the holiday all together... or just hope my husband's family goes all out and has lavish, oversized feasts. Not sure why it's all so important anyway - we're basically celebrating the European terrorism of Native Americans. Anyway in case anyone was concerned about my digestive status, my stomach cleared up Tuesday night, and I was good to go for all the turkey and trimmings last night. I also made a batch of pumpkin chocolate chip muffins that are quite delicious. I was going to get up at 6:00am and try to beat the Black Friday rush, but I went to bed at around 3:30, and when my alarm went off at 6:00, I thought, I am way too exhausted, and what do I really need to buy anyway? So I turned off my alarm and slept until 10:00, which incidentally is probably the latest I've slept in weeks. Maybe more than a month. But I would like to get out of the house for a little while, especially because the rain has stopped and it's sunny out, so I'm taking Sonja to buy some shoes, and then dropping her off at the train station. Maybe I'll pick something up for myself along the way ;)
20November | pity me!!
I've had a stomachache for roughly 24 hours, coupled with back pain that I can't tell stems from the stomachache or from my run yesterday. My muscles are sore and I can't eat anything for fear that it's just going to make it worse :( This sucks!! I hope this gets better before Thanksgiving...
19November | philadelphia
I started to write an entry about my trip, but I realized that my brain is very tired right now. I got in at around 5:00, unpacked a little, and decided that I really needed to go for a run. I don't think I've run in about a month, it was chilly and dark, but I was overcome with a need to just take off and go, so I did. Two and a half miles later I arrived home and my legs completely tensed up (yes, I stretched! Before and after!), I bummed around, cleaned a little bit, showered, and now I am having dinner and trying not to think about the pain I am going to be in tomorrow. And getting really excited about America's Next Top Model (I missed it last week) in about 30 minutes. But Philly was great. I wish I'd had more time there. Part of me kind of wishes I lived there... but for the first time in a long time, I woke up from sleeping on the bus as it drove through downtown Manhattan and I thought, I'm home. I love New York. Good to finally be there.
17November | the start of another weekend (for me anyway)
I'm headed off to Philadelphia this weekend, to see some friends and generally enjoy the freedom of exploring another city. Not that I don't feel free to explore New York, but it's nice to leave every once in a while. I'd been thinking about making this trip for quite a while now, putting it off for several reasons, but decided I just needed to buckle down and do it. I'm taking tomorrow (later today) off work - in the morning I need to do laundry, go to the post office and mail some long overdue checks (oops!!), possibly get a manicure (though it probably won't happen), get my shoes fixed, and try to meet up for lunch with Charles. And pack. Oh my... I was supposed to do my laundry this evening after work, but I ended up having dinner with Lindsay, then heading to a bar briefly to send well wishes to a co-worker who's leaving, and then introducing myself to another co-worker, at which point he invited me out for dinner (#2?) and drinks with his friends - ended up staying out later than I thought I would, but also kind of feeling a sweet release from the agitation I've pent up lately. I got home at midnight, a little tipsy and plenty tired... but I feel like I should probably get a head start on packing. In a minute. Do you ever kind of just let life take you on its winding, whirlwind course, then suddenly stop and catch your breath and realize you don't know how you got where you ended up? Yeah, I'm kinda there. This weekend will be good for me, I need to let the city go on without me for a couple days so that when I come back I'll be able to fit myself back in the way that I'd intended to. So the project for this weekend is to decide what it is that I intend...
13November | this place needs a facelift
Lack of imagery inspiration. Color scheme suggestions? Anyone? Interesting throwback to my past tonight - I think I like reaching back and touching long-forgotten points, a reminder of how steadfastly life moves on, no matter what you've seen or done. Always something, someone to write about. Lisa. Where are you?? :( I miss you!! Maybe I'll call you sometime... when's a good time to reach you? Do you like how I've devoted 25% of my entry to a personal message to you?
13November | another quality weekend
In classic me fashion, I've been spending the weekend thinking about a lot of things that I privately fear are just kind of trivial in the grand scheme of things. I've been reading a lot lately - just finished Jeannette Walls's The Glass Castle, on Jaymie's recommendation. It didn't affect me the same way that The Namesake or Lucky did, but I did close it upon finishing and wonder why my chest felt so tight. It's a memoir, but the events in it are so unbelievable that I could barely accept the idea that a family like hers existed. My world view is so limited, even as I feel like I've spent the past two years learning about different kinds of people, and I just have this incredible thirst to know more, and more. I suppose this is what I've been missing out on by not reading for years. Seriously though - my weekend has consisted of a date with someone whom I just think is fantastic in so many ways, yet for a couple reasons my conscience is telling me to just... take... it... easy...; a Manhattan Saturday - brunch with my newest friend, reading, working on my song, a movie with the boy I had been so enraptured with just several weeks ago but I am now trying to know in a completely different light, then drinks in Brooklyn with my roommate and a socially awkward and relatively un-smooth 37-year-old to whom I gave a false name and an expired email address; then today I spent in solitude, running errands and baking, then finishing up The Glass Castle. It's past midnight now and I'm reflecting back and feeling like I need to cry - some kind of release that's not sad, but more... weighty. I think I spend so much time fighting my instincts of who I am that most times I end up feeling very confused. I feel selfish when wanting to live for myself, misunderstood when trying to express my thoughts. I'm always folding back on myself when I wonder if I should just release that anxiety and just exist. I know that I am a good person, I know that I care deeply, and I know that I'm strong in the face of most adversity. But the thing about having read Walls's book is that I'm not sure that what I've faced is really adversity. You know? Relatively speaking, how self-indulgent is an eating disorder when there are kids like Jeannette Walls and her brothers and sisters who go days without eating because their parents are too free-spirited and self-centered to make sacrifices to provide for them? My brother is gay, which is fairly innocuous when compared to a father who will steal your life savings to feed his alcoholism, or a mother who will hoard a diamond ring for aesthetic purposes rather than pawn it to feed and clothe her family. But you know... that's not my life. And I know how lucky I am to have the things that I do. I guess when you look at it from a more removed stance, we're all kind of in our little orbs. We shouldn't spend time bellyaching about what I have that you don't have, or vice versa. Jeannette Walls didn't have a lot of things as a child that I fortunately did... but she also had things then, and now, that I didn't, and don't, and yearn for. We are who we've turned out to be. I'm not going to apologize for what I have, but that shouldn't stop me from wanting more. This is turning out much longer than expected, but the main point that I had sort of been fussing around with before, that led me to want to write something, is that really what I've learned in the past few weeks is that what I want more than anything else is love. It's what I so fear losing, from friends, family, men - and what I expend the most energy trying to gain for myself. I can't explain it much further than that, at this point. It sort of bothers me that it all boils down to love, but I really don't think I should or can fight it anymore. I am who I am - this is what I'm about, you know?
12November | i'm aghast
I present you with: a Jello commercial from the 1950's or 60's.
All I have to say is: Hi. I can eat Jello with chopsticks. Most Chinese people probably can. THANKS.
11November | everyone was right
Older is better, in so many ways. So glad it's the weekend...
05November | weekend accomplished
Today I got up at 9:30 and sorted out my mountainous load of laundry, then hiked over to the laundromat on 5th Avenue, only to come back with a couple damp sweaters that I didn't put in the dryer and be completely blocked by the marathon. I mean, really... how dare the 30,000 marathon runners hinder my laundry routine?! Anyway, I got around it by going underground through the subway station... finished my laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned my room, and took out what felt like my weight in trash. Then I headed to the office to work on my 'zine. I finished at around 8:45pm, and now I proudly present "Liquid City":
Yay! Also, while I'm at it, here's my newest haircut...
Now I am off to sleep in my freshly laundered bed...
05November | saturday night list
I have to say, it is so nice to come home on a Saturday night to my nice quiet apartment to just unwind after a fun night with new peeps and an adequate amount of beer and 80's Madonna. I think I am making progress. You know, in life. Anyway, perhaps a short list tonight: 1. Favorite song of the moment: "We Belong Together," Gavin DeGraw. Check it out. 2. I had been anxious about this weekend because it would be the first weekend in a little while that I didn't spend with the boy I'd been dating (because, oh, we're not dating anymore) but I went out with Jaymie and her friends and had a lovely time even though she and I were the only single chicks among three couples. 3. You're going to laugh, but... I cut off more hair. No, I'm really not going crazy... I just kept feeling like it was too bottom-heavy. So I cut more layers in and now it's nice and choppy. I do have to fix it a bit tomorrow, but I'm not going to remove anymore length. I promise. And I'll post a pic soon. 4. I got a new coat... check it here. Gap, baby. 25%off. I love it. But I removed the fur. It was a bit much. 5. Met a boy last night (well, technically I think he qualifies as a man?). I know, I know... but I find him to be really interesting. We'll see what happens. I am going to be laidback about it though - and still focusing on me first. 6. I want pizza.
04November | life is hilarious
and i am psychotic. inquire within for details.
02November | it was a NON-date
I went on a date tonight, even though I had resolved to stop dating. So I called it a non-date. Only the other person didn't quite know that. Well, whatever. I'm getting kind of tired of this game and its superficialities, and I refuse to dumb myself down in order to "play the game" or whatever. I think it is really sad that I can't meet someone, think they're interesting, and spend time with them without them (or me) thinking that the next step is, logically, physical contact, false affection, all that stuff that should be reserved for people who truly care for each other. Like, can't we really connect first? That's really, truly what I live for. It's what I still want from the latest boy I have grown to care for, basically, intrinsically. I just hope he (and others) can process that. If not... I suppose I keep pressing on. Next step... communicating to the NON-date counterpart that I am, in fact, in a period of NON-dating.
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