I had dinner with my childhood friend Lauren tonight - the first time we've seen each other since late August. She lives in Hoboken and is engaged to be married next August to her high school boyfriend Mark. I often think how strange and unfortunate it is that we live so close to each other so far out of high school and yet see each other only once every few months... it is a lack of concerted effort on both our parts and something that I truly feel should change.

At one point during dinner we realized that exactly a year ago, I had just started temping at Lifetime Entertainment, where she's been working in Public Affairs for about two years. It's October now. I blinked and it was autumn, I'm wearing sweatshirts and real shoes, lighting candles and trying to keep warm. The air inhabits me comfortably now, we're away from the sweltering summer and harsh sunrays. This morning I crossed Madison Square Park on the way to work at a quarter to nine and was filled with a rush of elation that I can't even put into words.

I always look back at the passing of time and marvel at how much I've changed. I can't help but feel that way again now - there has been so much newness in the past 12 months, so much confusion and questioning, discovery and loss. I spent three months living with my mother again for the first time since I was eighteen and finally came to terms with how much I unconditionally love her.

I became inhabited with a different kind of love, one that debilitated me and left me feeling helpless and angry more often than not. But that is me - I know how I love now and I need to find someone who will fit that, not the other way around. I never knew that before.

In a year, two of my best friends from high school will be married. I don't have the faintest idea where I will be or what I'll be doing. But this past year has been spent working toward building myself to be the best me I can be, regardless of where I am logistically. I may be in love - which will be a huge accomplishment to date. I may not be. I may still be in New York - perhaps the most reluctant love of all. I may not be.

I've rekindled my love affair with music lately. There is nothing I love more than to close my eyes and hear the right notes, the right words echo in my ears, and just let every sense melt into my body. That is life - that is true, raw life. If I have that, everything else just slides off me.

I'm suddenly just bursting with words, and in my classic intensity I just want to spill them everywhere. Sometimes I think people aren't ready to hear it all. I haven't been ready to feel it all for so long that even now I'm having trouble forming a lot of the right words.

One step at a time. I really am so thankful that I have readers - someone is hearing me, whether I know you or not. All I've ever wanted is peace, and to bring that peace to others.

comments

i just went to IM you and you signed off. anyway, i think i'm going to the documentary screening for "strong enough.." on oct 22nd in hollywood! i'm so excited to see it! (but not excited to battle the crowd)... i'll give you a full report afterwards ;)

allison | October 6, 2006 7:19 PM