Lisa sent me this book, Blue Like Jazz a while back and I just finished reading it.

It's really thought-provoking, and has helped unclench my heart and release the negative energy that it's held within it for so long. I'm not even talking just about relationships with men... day to day in New York I just come across so much snap animosity. People push ahead of others to get on the subway, shoot others dirty looks when they cut each other off at intersections. It's all about what's "fair," it's all about right of way... I'm guilty of it too. When cashiers take too long at the register or people take a few extra seconds to gather their belongings before stepping away from the counter, I can be found rolling my eyes with impatience. But - why? Is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of things if I walk out of Duane Reade at 1:27 or 1:30? No. It's not.

At work on a daily basis, the other coordinators and I make glib observations about candidates - whether it's looking them up on Facebook or MySpace (really, we have no pull in whether or not they're hired so I think it's okay...) and evaluating their relative attractiveness, or reading their emails and noting their spelling errors. It's something to do, I suppose, but sometimes I catch myself and wonder why I even care. So they can't spell "definitely." Do I really think I'm superior because I memorized the order of a bunch of letters?

I don't want to be so petty anymore - I want to be able to love people for their strengths and what they offer to others. We spend so much time focusing on negatives, but the truth is we all have negatives. How can I hold these things against people when I know that I have so many faults?

This is of course easier said than done - when people's flaws have hurt me, it is that much more difficult to forgive. And what constitutes forgiveness? Do I continue to incorporate them in my life as if I've never been stung? Perhaps that's not possible.

And so I consider this my biggest struggle... when to love others and when to finally love myself more. What does that even mean in the context of God and spirituality? Why should I continue to let someone chop away at my morale if it's just making me more and more negative? How much compassion can I show without compromising myself?

I need a better outlet for all this.