Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting stronger, or just number.

I cut my hair again - didn't feel short enough, didn't feel like enough of a change, or a removal from what I've been hanging onto for so long... just so much length, the idea that this hair has been with me through almost all of my traipses in New York City.

I guess I want to emerge freer, feeling newer, like this is a new phase on which I embark.

I need to be completely my own person now - I'm casting away this idea that I need to be part of two. I feel like it shouldn't be my main motivator because it's been distracting me from building the kinds of bonds that I truly value - those of friendship and inexplicable personal connection... the kind that can't be broken by the confusion of commitment, of sex, of ultimate rejection. I want to be able to love someone wholly without feeling trapped or vulnerable. I need to own what I give.

This is new to me - I haven't been completely single in almost a year. I don't want to deal with those fuzzy connections right now and I don't want to constantly be wondering if I'm being viewed more for my personal worth or as a sexual being. I'm closing myself off from the latter bit. My body needs to be mine again and I want my touch to emanate rather than grab on.

Throwing myself into my writing, into creation, into the people I've always cared about, and new people I want to care about. We'll see how this goes down.