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31October | after the rain
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting stronger, or just number. I cut my hair again - didn't feel short enough, didn't feel like enough of a change, or a removal from what I've been hanging onto for so long... just so much length, the idea that this hair has been with me through almost all of my traipses in New York City. I guess I want to emerge freer, feeling newer, like this is a new phase on which I embark. I need to be completely my own person now - I'm casting away this idea that I need to be part of two. I feel like it shouldn't be my main motivator because it's been distracting me from building the kinds of bonds that I truly value - those of friendship and inexplicable personal connection... the kind that can't be broken by the confusion of commitment, of sex, of ultimate rejection. I want to be able to love someone wholly without feeling trapped or vulnerable. I need to own what I give. This is new to me - I haven't been completely single in almost a year. I don't want to deal with those fuzzy connections right now and I don't want to constantly be wondering if I'm being viewed more for my personal worth or as a sexual being. I'm closing myself off from the latter bit. My body needs to be mine again and I want my touch to emanate rather than grab on. Throwing myself into my writing, into creation, into the people I've always cared about, and new people I want to care about. We'll see how this goes down.
31October | long overdue, i know
Hey so uh... I finally cut my hair. First time since January 2005 - I'm not joking. The clincher was when I showed Sonja one of my split ends today and she almost puked. (click to enlarge pictures) 
before... look at that mane!
And who said you had to pay for haircuts?
30October | i wasn't surprised, just disappointed that i was right
I said to Sonja last night that I think I'm too analytical for my own good and sometimes I wish I were just a little bit dumber. Any ideas on how to do that?
28October | release
I feel like in some ways I haven't changed much in the past four years - maybe I'm more hardened and detached from things that used to startle me, I've been through a lot of self-discovery only to find that some instinctual personality traits are still ingrained deeply in me. I'm unable to properly process emotional pain, always needing to chemically or physically alter myself so that I can see or feel it manifested in ways that I can describe. In writing my new 'zine I started a piece about trivialities - the idea that someone else's pain is always greater, that all of the anguish that I've felt in the past few years is nothing compared to what some others have felt. That it could be considered ridiculous, self-indulgent, that I've let myself become so twisted inside about experiences that pale beside what others have seen. In some ways it is, I suppose. But I feel what I feel. I can't wish it away, I've tried so hard to overcome my crippling intensity, whether it's how quickly I fall for someone, how affected I am by the very idea of death, how violently my heart breaks. Yet still I always find myself in the same place, and seeing the same symbolism. It's raining tonight. And it will rain tomorrow. I can't ignore the timing; it matches so perfectly with what's ravaging me inside. It's left me a mess, unattributable to any one thing - everything's just kind of crumbling away and after the catharsis I feel dull inside. I've come to resent the night; it traps me indoors and I can't step out and feel the quickly cooling air seep through my clothes, my skin, and into my bones. At times like these I desperately miss the haven of Haverford, when the blanket of night was something soothing and safe, and my footsteps were slack and deliberate, not halfway frightened and brisk like they are in the city. I miss the smell of midnight dew, the yellow glow of streetlamps and the endless expanse of green. If I could be anywhere but the city tonight-
26October | guess what i was for halloween!
I felt so accomplished when people readily identified my costume... let's see how the rest of you do! click to enlarge pictures 
26October | i can't believe i'm tainting my blog with this tack... what am i saying, i'm just that tacky
Name: k-a-r-e-l by the way, why did this survey writer randomly capitalize things? weird.
25October | OMG
Best Halloween costume ever... I can't even put it into words. Will have to take pictures and post them when the time comes. Good thing tomorrow is the office Halloween bash, so hopefully I'll have pictures up by the weekend. ;) HOT
23October | this is what keeps me going at work
22October | when i'm tired i tend to think in lists
1. Today was (well, still is...) Sonja's birthday. I threw her a surprise brunch. Boy was she surprised. Success! I love surprising people. Moreso, I love making them happy. 2. Been thinking a whole lot since my censorship post... I've always prided myself in being the kind of person who is unabashed about what I feel, who I am, what I believe. People have long admired me for writing my 'zines and handing them out, "putting myself out there" and not having to apologize for being so plainly human, flaws and all. I'm going through ideas for my next 'zine and I think it will be a big one. Stay tuned... 3. Oh, today is also Zac Hanson's 21st birthday. Yeah, that's the youngest one. Yes, they've all finished puberty. Har har. 4. My laptop is exceedingly slow lately. What should I do? 5. I also think it's time for a new layout. As cute as this one is, it's too summery for the changing seasons, and autumn is such a beautiful inspiration. If only #4 weren't such a deterrent for spending a lot of time on the computer... maybe I'll do some sketches during the week and see what I can come up with. 6. He makes me want to be a better person, a happier person, more inspirational. I'm starting to see the difference between being righteous and self-righteous, having strong beliefs but still being respectful. I have so much to learn, about myself and about him - but I'm looking forward to it all. 7. Did I mention that I love Stephen Kellogg? 8. Missing Haverford. Missing Philadelphia. 9. I want a new coat. 10. I bought a new book on Friday, The Namesake. I'm already about 100 pages in, and it's hitting home in so many ways that I shallowly didn't quite expect when I read the summary on the back. The older I get, the more I'm starting to look at things from my parents' point of view, and seeing the dual pride and anguish they feel in their children. We've turned out okay, yeah, but so much tradition and culture has been lost down the line of generations that I'm underlined with a sense of guilt that I'm so "Americanized." Last night I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and I couldn't even read the characters for "steamed pork dumplings." I can say it in Chinese no problem, but I wasn't sure exactly what the characters said... and I was embarrassed and a bit ashamed. Makes me want to write. I need to cut out my distractions and just go for it.
click to enlarge
20October | why i LOVE accuweather (even though tatiana's boyfriend disagrees)
It is currently 3:00pm. 8 minutes earlier, at 2:52pm, my officemates and I stared incredulously out the large windows of our corner office at the torrential winds and rain. I quickly checked accuweather.com's hourly weather forecast. It said, 2pm: rain. 3pm: mostly cloudy. "It's going to stop at 3:00," I said. Seemed dubious, as it was already 2:52. Lo and behold, it is now 3:00pm and not a raindrop in sight! AMAZING!
19October | it'll be great, i promise!
The first five people to respond to this post will get some form of art, by me. I make no guarantees about quality, type, or timely delivery but I will assure that I will give it a good effort. The only catch, of course; as with most memes, if you sign up, you have to put this in your own journal as well.
17October | do you think i could pass for a rock star?
I saw Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers tonight with Jaymie at the Knitting Factory. I recalled that it had been more than two years since I went to a proper concert - proper meaning that I wasn't friends with someone in the band (and by friends with, I might mean, madly in love with and had a week-long unspoken romantic affair with last fall. What?). I'm not sure why I don't go to more shows, because they are just so healing. I love Stephen Kellogg because his lyrics just say it all, without being convoluted and without being contrived. His voice is clear, crisp, and curls in just the right places. And that stage presence is undeniable. In between breaths his tongue will sneak out between his lips in subconscious concentration. It's comparable to the way Taylor Hanson's left leg shakes uncontrollably when he plays the piano. You know they are feeling that music right down to their fingers and toes. Deeply buried in their hearts. I've been working on that song lately - the one that I started over the summer. I wouldn't say it's an angry song - it's melancholy enough; with Hanson as my biggest influence, that's to be expected. I've only played it for one person - it's really not complete at all, so even that was a little unnerving - but when I work on at the Guitar Center, anyone who walks by can hear me. And I feel so naked... moreso than when I play songs that aren't mine. To imagine playing a whole set of naked songs is altogether frightening but thrilling at the same time. I really wish I had paid more attention those years I was learning piano. Everything that I do now is based on intuition and not technique, which I feel can only take me so far. I am so content right now, feeling like my heart could just burst, it's so full and floating.
16October | we are all voyeurs
I know who reads this blog. Not everyone, of course, but I can rattle off a handful of people who I know check this site on a pretty regular basis. I appreciate people I know reading my blog; I think it's great and I wish more people I knew had blogs so that I could read them. Anyone who knows me knows that I value honesty and candor above many other things, which is I think why I've had a blog for so long. I don't think people should be ashamed of their thoughts. I can understand why they would be hesitant to post them online for anyone to see. I'm not that hesitant. I do hesitate a lot lately when it comes to writing here. Sometimes it's because I feel like the things I'm thinking about are pretty self-serving and, frankly, boring to other people. But other times it's because on some level I am still afraid. Will people accept my flaws? Will they judge me? Will knowing my secrets change the way they look at me, talk to me? Will the people I love, or want to love, stop loving me if they knew the things I carry with me? I once made a very difficult and extremely vulnerable admission about myself to someone I was dating and he responded by telling me he didn't want to deal with my emotions and that if I ever relapsed he would break up with me. In some ways, I don't want to let that stop me from talking. We should be able to handle each other - everyone. We should be able to open ourselves, to empathize, and to love. We should want to deal with each other's emotions - isn't that what makes us humans? Isn't that what makes us alive? What makes us inexplicably connected to one another? Isn't that what we live for? Human contact? Love? It's what I live for. I suppose I write my blog because I want people to understand me - so they can practice understanding each other as well. I'm working my way back up to candor.
15October | okay so i'm back
Something is actually still wrong with my blogging interface... I can't use Javascript on my index page anymore. That means no Flickr badge... :( And apparently, there weren't REALLY any weird Chinese characters... for some reason when I rebuilt my site and viewed it, my browser decided to switch its character encoding to Unicode (UTF - 16 Little Endian). Why? I DON'T KNOW. I don't like computers anymore. Anyway what I did was basically re-install and upgrade my Movable Type, but clearly that didn't help my problem because the way I fixed it was to take out all my Javascript coding. Good thing it's not really essential to blogging... Been a strange week. In some aspects of life, I am in such a better place - content, excited, hopeful. I look forward to each new day with the knowledge that I'm trading up. I want to write volumes about it, but I have to figure out how to word it first...
09October | overthought
Lisa sent me this book, Blue Like Jazz a while back and I just finished reading it. It's really thought-provoking, and has helped unclench my heart and release the negative energy that it's held within it for so long. I'm not even talking just about relationships with men... day to day in New York I just come across so much snap animosity. People push ahead of others to get on the subway, shoot others dirty looks when they cut each other off at intersections. It's all about what's "fair," it's all about right of way... I'm guilty of it too. When cashiers take too long at the register or people take a few extra seconds to gather their belongings before stepping away from the counter, I can be found rolling my eyes with impatience. But - why? Is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of things if I walk out of Duane Reade at 1:27 or 1:30? No. It's not. At work on a daily basis, the other coordinators and I make glib observations about candidates - whether it's looking them up on Facebook or MySpace (really, we have no pull in whether or not they're hired so I think it's okay...) and evaluating their relative attractiveness, or reading their emails and noting their spelling errors. It's something to do, I suppose, but sometimes I catch myself and wonder why I even care. So they can't spell "definitely." Do I really think I'm superior because I memorized the order of a bunch of letters? I don't want to be so petty anymore - I want to be able to love people for their strengths and what they offer to others. We spend so much time focusing on negatives, but the truth is we all have negatives. How can I hold these things against people when I know that I have so many faults? This is of course easier said than done - when people's flaws have hurt me, it is that much more difficult to forgive. And what constitutes forgiveness? Do I continue to incorporate them in my life as if I've never been stung? Perhaps that's not possible. And so I consider this my biggest struggle... when to love others and when to finally love myself more. What does that even mean in the context of God and spirituality? Why should I continue to let someone chop away at my morale if it's just making me more and more negative? How much compassion can I show without compromising myself? I need a better outlet for all this.
08October | end of weekend
I spent most of today being extremely hung over from, as I have deduced through much self-analysis, a symptom my leftover insecurities from my last relationship. I knew that I was drinking too much - it wasn't out of control necessarily and I knew I was in safe hands, but part of me just wanted to stop being so cautious, stop thinking so much. While I certainly do not want a repeat performance, maybe it was good to let go a little bit. I don't like writing about dating on my blog, because I don't know who reads it and if the people I'm dating find my blog it becomes a sticky situation... but I suppose it is worth mentioning that I'm in a good place right now. Things aren't so complicated, I don't have to censor myself, and I continually find myself surprised at how well I am treated. The sad thing really is that I am surprised at all - because it means that I'd conditioned myself to become used to being treated flippantly. I can't believe that I'd ever thought it was too much to ask to have my hand held in a movie theater, or to expect an apology when plans change. I'd forgotten what it was like to be excited just to be in someone's company, without resentment, or tension, or the feeling that I was behind a wall. I feel like I keep building defenses and presenting different faces to different people - but now I've gotten the chance to own myself and just be me. In some ways I'm still scared that things will change, that the other shoe is going to drop... but I think I will feel that way for a long time to come. Just something I'll have to work through, I suppose. I still have a lingering headache... and USA is running a Law and Order: SVU marathon for a couple more hours so I think I'll take advantage of that.
06October | something about the air
I had dinner with my childhood friend Lauren tonight - the first time we've seen each other since late August. She lives in Hoboken and is engaged to be married next August to her high school boyfriend Mark. I often think how strange and unfortunate it is that we live so close to each other so far out of high school and yet see each other only once every few months... it is a lack of concerted effort on both our parts and something that I truly feel should change. At one point during dinner we realized that exactly a year ago, I had just started temping at Lifetime Entertainment, where she's been working in Public Affairs for about two years. It's October now. I blinked and it was autumn, I'm wearing sweatshirts and real shoes, lighting candles and trying to keep warm. The air inhabits me comfortably now, we're away from the sweltering summer and harsh sunrays. This morning I crossed Madison Square Park on the way to work at a quarter to nine and was filled with a rush of elation that I can't even put into words. I always look back at the passing of time and marvel at how much I've changed. I can't help but feel that way again now - there has been so much newness in the past 12 months, so much confusion and questioning, discovery and loss. I spent three months living with my mother again for the first time since I was eighteen and finally came to terms with how much I unconditionally love her. I became inhabited with a different kind of love, one that debilitated me and left me feeling helpless and angry more often than not. But that is me - I know how I love now and I need to find someone who will fit that, not the other way around. I never knew that before. In a year, two of my best friends from high school will be married. I don't have the faintest idea where I will be or what I'll be doing. But this past year has been spent working toward building myself to be the best me I can be, regardless of where I am logistically. I may be in love - which will be a huge accomplishment to date. I may not be. I may still be in New York - perhaps the most reluctant love of all. I may not be. I've rekindled my love affair with music lately. There is nothing I love more than to close my eyes and hear the right notes, the right words echo in my ears, and just let every sense melt into my body. That is life - that is true, raw life. If I have that, everything else just slides off me. I'm suddenly just bursting with words, and in my classic intensity I just want to spill them everywhere. Sometimes I think people aren't ready to hear it all. I haven't been ready to feel it all for so long that even now I'm having trouble forming a lot of the right words. One step at a time. I really am so thankful that I have readers - someone is hearing me, whether I know you or not. All I've ever wanted is peace, and to bring that peace to others.
05October | apparently i am smarter in the mornings (it is 8:19am)
Lately I've been having a recurring dream situation in which people want to watch me take a shower. And forcefully so... by physically placing themselves in the bathing area, or removing the shower curtains. I don't think I ever end up actually getting clean, but I do usually get naked in the dream. Yesterday my officemate Jaymie and I tried to look it up online to decipher its meaning (we have both also had dreams in which we ate an entire plate of bacon, which apparently means we love money?) and I couldn't find anything specifically about forceful shower voyeurism, but I have done a little thinking about it on my own. The great thing about being an English major is that you can find meaning and parallels in ANYTHING. (Case in point, last night I was out with a very nice boy who takes a lot of limes in his vodka tonics and I made up some bullshit analysis about why he puts extra lime in his alcohol. Sounded convincing, but I totally pulled it out of my ass...) Anyway, there are several points in common to consider about my dreams. 1. The people responsible for rounding up the shower voyeurs (yes, there are GROUPS) are, in real life, people I know. But in the dream their faces are different. 2. They physically place themselves in the bathroom/bathtub. 3. I take my clothes off, but never actually get in the shower. The first thought that comes to mind is my fear of intimacy - but not physical. Deeper than that is my fear of emotional intimacy and vulnerability, which in a dream would manifest itself physically in nudity. And the fact that I am being forced to not only get naked, but to then cleanse myself in front of people, is thus a manifestation of my extremely rooted fear of overcoming that vulnerability with someone else. The fact that I never actually get in the shower indicates that I'm simply not ready... that my subconscious will always force me to wake up before I actually jump into it. Whoa... this is heavy. (<-- Points for the movie reference!) What do you think?
04October | anew
I'm feeling really refreshed lately. I don't know exactly what it is... I've been sleeping better, waking up early, getting a good start on the mornings. I've also been going to the Guitar Center recently to play around with a song I've been working on for a couple months, and finally worked out a few more chords. I also brought back my brother's guitar from home, need to get it restrung this weekend so I can start doing that too. I guess I've finally realized how freeing it is to be rid of a lot of the negativity that surrounded me all summer. I spent a lot of time being angry, feeling a bit desperate, and most of all not in control of my own actions and emotions. I'm a person of worth and I deserve to be treated that way - and I had spent too long letting too many people drag me around. Also I think I really need to be my own person... and lately I've had the opportunity to kind of change my oil and flush out my system. I'm putting forth a much better package now, and enjoying every bit of the response.
02October | i am melodramatic
michelle sent me this link and i almost had a seizure
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