Around this time last year, my wallet was stolen out of my purse, literally under my nose. That event itself was pretty anticlimactic - I handled it with as little melodrama as possible - but it set off a chain of events and thoughts that shook me and my school of thought pretty hard. I started to question what I had previously believed to be fate, the existence of God (Christian or otherwise), and what sort of direction my life was supposed to take. It led me through what seem like endless changes that have brought me to where I am right now.

I've reached the midway point between 23 and 24. It's a trivial milestone for sure, but in some ways it's not trivial at all. Older people remind me how young I am, how much room I have for growth, individuality, and possibility. Younger people blink wide-eyed at the prospect of mid-twenties and remind me of a younger, greener self. I've seen, heard, felt quite a lot - all of which generally leaves me feeling like I've got a lot of growing pains out of my system. But still I find myself constantly wondering why the one true thing my heart, however young or old and at whatever stage of maturity, has always wanted has continually eluded me.

Perhaps it's a result of my childhood - overweight, too-smart, lacking in physical affection - that I simply can't survive without support and affirmation from people to whom I feel akin. No matter how otherwise content the rest of my life may be, without that I'm empty. I am 18 months away from 25 - a quarter century, halfway to 50, 5 years to 30, however you'd like to put it - and sometimes I feel I have the socioemotional maturity of an ostracized teenager.

I've long been frustrated by this. Last summer I began to recognize God's presence in my life, sometimes a mere glimmer and other times so blatant I could hardly digest it, and slowly gave my trust that his plan for me just didn't include a true, solid romantic relationship at the time. That I had other things to straighten out first - my employment, my family, my "life direction." Those became my priorities, and at the beginning of 2006 I was back in motion; in the meantime someone very new, very different, and seemingly very willing to be a part of my life literally fell into my lap. I didn't question and I didn't push. It was what it was.

At some point it overcame me - it meaning not only him but every aspect of my "new" life - and in an instant completely gave out beneath me. I can't wrap my head around it. It's been three months since this all happened and I'm still almost left in a daze, wondering how that had all fit into God's plan for me, why this is all happening this way and why for the life of me I can't keep anyone close to me for longer than a few months. What am I doing wrong?

Why do I have such an intense capacity to live and love if it's just continually going to be abused? Is this meant for me to learn hesitation in any new venture in life? And if that is true then why was I even at Haverford to learn forthrightness, confidence and compassion?

I don't want to lose faith - in anything. But I truly feel like I'm stabbing in the dark with what I want to do and where I want to do it, and most of all I don't understand how a consecutive line of people have managed to find me, charm me, have me and then just leave me. I am constantly battling my own self-discouragement but it just gets more difficult to win each time.

I really thought I had it figured out last time - I really thought it would take me somewhere. Somehow I'm back where I was a year ago.