I saw Michael Kang's film The Motel this evening with my co-worker Sonja, up at the Imaginasian Theater on 59th and 3rd. I'd heard about this film a couple years back, when I picked up a casting flyer at the Asian American Writer's Workshop and passed it along to my younger brother, then a fledgling thespian doing theater in high school. He actually followed through and auditioned in the city, though if you look at the picture above and then photos of my brother on my Flickr page, you can see that he wasn't quite the type they were looking for.

Anyway, it was a mostly enjoyable film. A bit muted - though I prefer that to over-assertion in most films. Some of the sexual content was gratuitous, but something resonated in me with every shot of Ernest, the 13-year-old protagonist (pictured above). I knew kids like that, and I daresay I was once sort of like that. I was certainly much more privileged than he is, and hopefully a bit more socially adjusted - though that is actually questionable. What hits me the most now is that while the script and direction is meant to portray Ernest's loneliness, frustration, and sense of helplessness as an adolescent minority who is largely misunderstood by his family, maybe I felt it more because it really rings true to what I realize about myself and my siblings as we were growing up. We weren't just pre-teens going through puberty - we were Chinese pre-teens going through puberty in a mostly white community, without the education or means to defend ourselves from ignorance and blanket racism.

I admit that I don't remember much about my actual childhood in terms of racist remarks or anything obvious like that (more I remember being called "fatso" and "Karel the barrel" and all those delightfully intelligent quips), but judging by my reputation by the end of high school, and the fact that neither I nor any of my Asian friends were a part of any grade school (or middle school) romances that did not involve other Asian parties, we were probably judged largely based on our appearances and stereotyped according to our racial identities.

I've been much more acutely aware of my Asian-ness lately - not from an identity standpoint necessarily, but from an equity and politically correct standpoint. My posts about yellow fever are only a part of it; more I've just been thinking about what I can do to 1. bring myself closer to my heritage 2. understand the status of not only the Chinese community that I knew, but other Chinese communities, especially those around me and 3. show people that there is still so much to be done in terms of Asian American rights. I can't tell you how many times people just genuinely aren't aware that we're subject to racism. That doesn't mean it's to a lesser degree than other minorities - it means that society has been so conditioned to believe that it's normal that they actually think it's normal. Which is a disturbing fact in itself.

I find myself fighting a lot of battles lately, and perhaps making some unintentional enemies along the way. I can understand that - no one likes to be told that they're wrong, or being offensive, or ignorant. But that doesn't mean I have to placate them and not stand up for what I know is right.

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what makes me angry is that APA's have been socialized to be unaware of their history, identity, and culture (that's APA culture - not sushi and samosas, if you know what i mean). it's as if we as a community are being brainwashed, and slowly have to be "awakened" to become conscious of who we are and how we are positioned in this country.

that's what makes the APA struggle for equity uniquely challenging - many members of our own community are still unaware, believing APA's don't face any type of oppression whatsoever. we've played right into the hands of the damn model minority myth by internalizing it. BRAINWASHED!

jason | July 26, 2006 9:50 AM

I feel like a lot of my fellow Asians (at least in MoCo) do realize some levels of discrimination. However, since we were brought up with these cultural morals, such as respecting elders which lead to passive-aggression and passivisity (if that's a word) in life, many of them do not feel the need to act out and to change the status quo.

On another note, I would've liked to see Brian in that role.

Jueli | July 26, 2006 5:36 PM

MAN! if only i was dorkier looking and younger!! NOT FAIR!!! anyways...mike kang's making another movie cept he mostly wants korean americans to be casted. =( once again, damn it! cuase this time the age requirements were right..but i don't speak KOREAN!!

bchan | July 26, 2006 10:37 PM