So after writing a short but angry email to Glamour magazine tonight (a story for another time, hopefully when it gets PRINTED a couple issues ahead) I was still feeling a bit angry, so I headed over to Angry Asian Man to see what's happening in the yellow world. And look what I found... DreamWorks is going to release a two-hour nugget of commodification!
Kung Fu Panda (NOT EVEN KIDDING) will be released summer of 2008. Here is the plot summary, written by a random IMDB user: "A CG-animated comedy about a lazy, irreverent slacker panda, Po (Voiced by Jack Black), who must somehow become a Kung Fu Master in order to save the Valley of Peace from a villainous snow leopard, Tai Lung. Set in the legendary world of ancient China, this is the story of Po, our unlikely hero, who enters the rigid world of Kung Fu and turning it upside down. Po ultimately becomes a Kung Fu hero by learning that if he believes in himself, he can do anything."
Several things stand out to me right away. 1. Ancient China is not a legendary world. I'm pretty sure ancient China ACTUALLY existed. and 2. Wait, is Jack Black Chinese? No? Then why the hell is he voicing a Chinese character? Or is this an American panda trapped in legendary ancient China? And if so, can an American panda really become a Kung Fu MASTER?!
Then I decided to read the IMDB message boards to see if anyone else felt like this was a disaster waiting to happen. I found some comfort in this statement:
"Not to be a grave digger but, what the hell?"
But that was immediately cancelled out by completely idiotic statements like this:
"Will be many interesting to see the movements of the characters when they fight using the kung fu!"
"I'm a big panda fan, so when I found out there would be a kung fu panda-movie, I was all 'he-yah kitshi-pow! pow! pow! pheeeee'. I can't wait. :D Pandas FTW!"
FTW? Forever Thai Warrior? Funny To Watch? Fuck the White (bastardswhoaremakingthisstupidmovie)?
I also read that Po the panda "slings noodles in a restaurant" for a living. OKAY. Does EVERYONE in China only work in a restaurant or a laundromat? I'm guessing that even though he is a panda, he assumes a human occupation, since that is generally the case in animated films about animals. Then why couldn't he be a painter? Or a teacher? Or, I don't know, a recruiting coordinator?
I'm trying to imagine even sitting through this film when it comes out without my head exploding. There will undoubtedly be tie-in marketing involving toys (that will of course demonstrate very rudimentary "kung fu moves"), clothes, themed fast food kids' meals, a pop song, and easy, uneducated and completely uncreative taglines like "Karate-chopping into theaters June 2008" (because as we all know, KARATE-chopping is the main attack method in KUNG FU) or "Feast on the new 'Po-Po Platter' at McDonald's for a limited time in honor of DreamWorks's KUNG FU PANDA!" It will be unavoidable, and of course I will have to see the movie in the slim hopes that it will prove me direly wrong about all of its flighty ignorant racism. I will probably be disappointed, though, and you can be sure that the summer 2008 incarnation of bellechanson.org will promptly be updated with more of my Asian anger.
I know most people might think I'm overreacting and maybe I am a little, but please just refer back to the idiotic statements I quoted above and try to transfer them to something important in your culture. And then imagine that this keeps happening, and that dumb people pass you on the street and go "ching chong yaaooo" (or, if you prefer, "he-yah kitshi-pow! pow!") or try to talk to you and when you ignore them, go "it's all right, I get it, you chinks don't like n****rs."
And then ask yourself if I am overreacting.
