Not sure what it is about me that attracts melodrama. But it's there and I've started to feel like I'm closing up. Last week was yet another strange week, I started working and those three days seemed endless, I'm still adjusting, kind of losing my focus a little bit. I want things to finally settle but I don't know what that's going to really look like.

I went home yesterday afternoon to surprise my mother for her birthday, and it was good to escape back even for a little bit, just relax and remove myself from my apartment and all of the memories that it already holds for me. I'm back now, preparing for a full week of work. I watched the two-hour season premiere of The 4400 tonight, and am excited to have that to watch all summer, but also a little sad that my beloved Chad Faust will apparently not be appearing this season. :(

I've spent the past month living in hopes for other people and it's left me grasping for my identity. I don't understand why people push me away, but at the same time I'm pushing others away so how can I blame anyone else? I'm feeling strangely withdrawn, only wanting the company of a select few, but that seems unlikely or even impossible at this point. I need to find a way to lift myself out of this - transition periods are never good to me, but I can't keep letting them beat me up like this.

I've been working a little bit on a new writing project, as well as the fledgling start of a new song - I want to continue to focus on that outside of learning my new job. Other than that, I can't find the energy to worry about much else - which is unfortunate, because I want very much to be working on my friendships and other relationships, but I can't handle much more disillusionment right now. Over the weekend I realized that what I've been going through is some twisted form of heartbreak - I just didn't recognize it in its new manifestation. I need to channel all of that into what I do best: creativity and self-development.