And what a day it was! First of all, it was raining and we all know how I feel about that... and in case you don't, I don't particularly enjoy it if I actually have to be somewhere. I also feel that the weather is inexplicably connected to my moods and/or my life, particularly in moments of loss. What am I losing? I don't know. My freedom? In some senses, perhaps. It irritates me that I'm feeling this way, because I should be glad that I have a new job so soon after my last one - I need to work, I need an income, and I need to have some sort of purpose besides waking up at noon and watching television on DVD's. But I hate starting up because I don't know my way around, I feel timid and disoriented and I'm always just so impatient to own my work and know what I'm doing. It'll take me some time to feel my way around and feel comfortable again, so I guess I'll just grin and bear it, and try not to be unappreciative of the opportunity that I have.
What I've really lost is a friend - someone I never expected to care so much about, and now that I do, I can't reverse. It makes sense now, the way the rain fell today... in steady, unwavering streams, but not enough at once to feel catastrophic. Last week it rained like that - poured, even. But this week it crept up and was just an almost silent statement, like the slow flushing out of my heart. I should have known it was a clue - this morning I kept thinking what this could mean, as it seemed that everything was fitting into place. It was blind faith, I suppose. How many times can the skies cry like this for me?
This morning I slipped and fell in the rain. It happened over the weekend, too. The symbolism is overwhelming, and I know that more mathematically minded people will write it off as coincidence or my over-romanticism of everyday events (and shoes with poor traction), but I don't think that way. Maybe I need to find meaning in these things, because they resound so strongly with me and I can't ignore the connection. I didn't fall once, but twice. Just when I thought I could recover from the first... the second crept up on me because I made the same mistake.
I had so wanted to just pick up and move on from all this, from this month of solitude and sloth and discouragement. But I still find one foot lingering in the past, unable to shake the weights that have bound themselves to my Achilles heel and I can't just walk on. I still need to pause and heal, and hope that momentum will be forgiving.
