|
|
30June | brief update of sorts
1. Two days ago, I saw Gina from America's Next Top Model (Cycle 6) in front of my office building. No kidding! She walked right by. I would have said something to her, but then I remembered that I never liked her, and she was a poor representation of the modern Asian woman. She was walking with her head down, too. Definitely POOR model material. 2. Lately I am obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance. I totally did not want to get into it because I thought it was silly... well, how completely wrong I was!! I mean, it's kind of silly. But some of these dancers are intense. And I love Ivan. And/or Travis. Too bad all these kids are freakin' 18 years old. I guess I will always be a cradle-robber... =X 3. I am going to Boston this weekend to play with Tatiana!! I leave this evening after work. Except I need to deposit my paycheck, which was not direct deposited as I hoped it would be, so that I have money in my account for the weekend and so my rent check goes through. And my check is going to arrive in the mail today, which means I need to go home, get the check, find a bank and deposit it all before getting to Port Authority between 5:00 and 5:30. Technically I could go the weekend with the money I already have in my account and just deposit it on Monday when I get back... Blah. Well, that's all I have to report, really. I promise I will take lots of pics in Boston, and maybe work on a new layout next Tuesday. Yay!
25June | let's talk about yellow fever
yellow fever I went to a birthday party this weekend. The birthday boy, also the host, is a white male who, as I was warned by two different people upon meeting him, prefers Asian girls. I generally find this to be a huge turnoff, but I also am interested in learning exactly what it is that they like about Asian girls, and in some cases I like to try to let them know how this can be perceived as unintentional racism and/or ignorance. Anyway I haven't let his yellow fever deter me from becoming friends with him - we've talked about it a couple times and I've let it be known that it bothers me. He halfway denies its existence. However, being at the party confirmed 1. its (very concrete) existence and 2. my undeniable distaste for it. Aside from myself there were three other Asian women there, and a fourth arrived much later. Other minorities? Try none. One of the Asian women was there with another guy, but the other two (of the three who were there first) spent most of the time talking to each other or to the birthday boy - at one point one of them engaged in a water gun fight with him, complete with screaming and threats of swirlies in the bathroom. They had also apparently bought loads and loads of cupcakes for him, which we lit with candles and surprised him with. After a few hours there, I was starting to feel a bit stir-crazy and out of place, mostly because I didn't know anyone there very well. I'd made some conversation with people there, talked to the birthday boy a bit, but mostly was feeling like I wanted to go. Then the fourth Asian woman showed up and I just kind of wanted to puke. I left soon after that. So I know that my reaction to situations like this might be considered an overreaction. After all, why isn't he allowed to have Asian female friends? Well, it's not that he's not allowed to. After all, these women all choose to be friends with him as well. I am an Asian woman and I was there, too. But at some point it starts to feel like a gimmick - like we're all part of a collection or something. I literally felt like I was a pawn in his Asian harem, and we should all just sit in a row and serve him. But is that all just in my twisted imagination? It's not like he expected us to do anything else but show up and have fun. And he's not dating any of us - to my knowledge, anyway. Though I found out tonight that one of the Asian women who was there is the best friend of his most recent ex-girlfriend, who is also Asian. But still something about it is just a bit screwy. Especially the lack of other races, not only at the party but in what I've seen of his scope of friends. And it's not just him, it's so many other people that I've met and/or dated. And most of them can't wrap their minds around why it would bother me. My ex-boyfriend Mat likened it to the fact that I'd only dated white men... except it's not the same, because I've spent most of my life in white-dominated environments. It is what I know. He did not grow up in China... yet he's managed to find most if not all Asian girls to date and hook up with. Mostly I just don't like to be commodified. I know that I'm attractive, but I don't want men to talk to me just because I'm Asian. I don't want them to expect me to be a certain way because of the way I look, mostly because I don't think a lot of Asian female stereotypes apply to me. I don't like the idea that I'm lumped together in a category with other Asian women. I'm proud to be Asian, but in some ways I reject the idea that that's how people see me because there's so much more to me than that. And I am not exotic. Nothing about me is exotic, except maybe some of the weird food in my fridge. Anyway I'm coming off of this weekend feeling a little sickened by the party situation and the way that I'm perceived by strangers and acquaintances. I can feel myself becoming angry again, and wanting to make some sort of statement about yellow fever and how it demoralizes Asian women, whether or not the women are aware of it. I wonder if the other women at the party are aware of it, and/or if they care. And if they don't. who's better off here? Am I just too sensitive? Or is my awareness of it only emphasizing the lack of others' awareness? Do I have a complex? I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts. Please.
25June | i am thinking about lots of other stuff but this is on the forefront and the only thing i can clearly articulate at the moment
So as much as I love still being in contact with a select few people from my previous job, the fact that camp starts in less than a week and everyone's in a flurry to get ready for it, and prepare for their various roles, is driving me crazy. Like, I want to be a friend and listen to them and share in their excitement, but rumbling inside is a little (but loud) angry voice that screams, I'm jealous of you! I had been looking forward to camp since the day I started working there and they took that away from me! I'm mad and embittered and I really don't want to hear about Oasis camp ever again! Honestly. It's a sore spot for me, and I want to communicate that with them, but I also don't want to be melodramatic. And I really hate the idea of camp - that camp, anyway. I do miss CTY though... the kids arrive tomorrow (well, today!) if my calculations are correct. Miss that place incredibly...
23June | omg
I've been trying to write this entry for like 30 minutes now and something keeps malfunctioning. Anyway. I have in my head a list of fun things I have learned today that I would like to share with my loyal and loving audience. Are you ready?! 1. Britney Spears has dyed her hair black. (Thanks to I Don't Like You In That Way). Almost every celeb gossip site I could find (and believe me, I've found PLENTY this week!) had commentary on it, but none of them brought up the fact that she dyed her hair while she is PREGGERS! Hey lady are you done being stupid?!*  *I love Britney Spears. No, I do. I think she was a cute girl, kind of dumb, but cute nonetheless. I enjoy some of her tunes, most notably "Stronger," "Overprotected," and "Lucky." I'm just very disappointed in how she's let herself go. 2. Um, Andrea Barber (aka Kimmy Gibbler on Full House) is on MySpace. Don't believe me? 3. Today I accidentally learned how to rotate the display on one's PC monitor 90, 180, and 270 degrees. Weeee! 4. Attention all germophobes and/or otherwise decently hygenic human beings: the pizza place on Park Avenue between 24th and 25th Streets DOES NOT HAVE WATER. Seriously. I went there for lunch with a coworker and upon being asked her beverage of choice, she said, "Water." "We don't have water," the cashier responded. NO WATER. They do, however, have delicious meatball pizza. 5. This isn't an update from today, but last week I had lunch at Rickshaw Dumpling Bar with my brother. I'd walked by the place several times in the past, and been turned off by its name (in case you are wondering, a rickshaw is a human-drawn cart that was used in Asian countries in the 19th century. That's right, NINETEENTH) - this is terrible and offensive, but I liken it to opening a soul food restaurant and calling it "Whip and Chain." That's right, I said it. Anyway, we went there, and the dumplings did not even redeem the awful awful name. They were too salty, the skins broke too easily, and the "Shanghai" noodles (okay are they REALLY called Shanghai noodles? Or is that just a really convenient name for them because it's a major city in China, and this is "Chinese food"?) that were in the soup were overcooked and stuck together in one mass heap of starch. I was rightfully disappointed, and now I can justifiably turn my nose up at the place altogether because not only is it commodifying but it SUCKS! 6. Oh yes I should also mention that they sell shirts that say "Nice dumplings..." on the front. WHAT?! 7. I also read about Kaavya Viswanathan (author of How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life) and all of the debacle surrounding her plagiarism and was just sickened. How do people not think they'll get caught stealing other people's thoughts? I've definitely been plagiarized before (by my own brother, even! Same brother as gross brother. Now you all know the truth!!) and it's a little demoralizing, disappointing, and most of all, annoying as hell. 8. Now he's going to be all mad at me for writing about it. OH WELL 9. TVgasm.com is my new favorite website. Their recap of the Grey's Anatomy season finale almost made me wet my chair!! My favorite are the captions under Callie's pictures... look at them... you will not be disappointed!! 10. Well, since I was sort of rudely told this morning that the person I thought I would be spending time with this evening would rather go home and sleep than do anything with me, and since the level of excitement surrounding my question of whether they would want to see me at all this weekend was practically underground, I'm thinking I might stay in tonight and work on a new layout for this place. Or I'll watch both my Netflix movies in a row. And eat bags and bags of popcorn. Anyone care to join me?
23June | so sleepy
I met up with an old friend, whom I haven't seen in four years, tonight. It was funny because he looks exactly the same, and I feel like I look the same, but apparently I don't (apparently my face is longer?) and even more apparently, I don't act, talk, or seem the same at all. He knew me for a summer when I was 19, and I would venture to say that even though we didn't know each other all that well (I don't think I knew myself that well at that point), hearing him tell me that I seem more liberated, happier, and more confident leads me to believe that perhaps he knew me better than I thought he did. And then I really started thinking... four years has passed since we'd last seen each other. Four years! Can you imagine what your life will be like four years from now? How much HAS changed since then? For one thing, when he first met me, I had never even been kissed, let alone had a boyfriend or any sort of socioromantic (or physical) experiences. I would venture to say that aspect alone has changed me a lot. I wasn't comfortable in my new body, having just lost quite a bit of weight in a short period of time - and it was my first real job with real responsibilities. Four years later, I can't even begin to recount all of the incredible learning experiences I've had, all the dumb mistakes I've made, and how much I've learned from them. And I have noted that I am more self-assured and self-aware. Anyway I will write more about it when I am not so exhausted. I'll leave you with a nice snapshot of me and him, circa summer 2002:
20June | whoa
Don't know what it is, something about today, the air, the light sunshower on my way home, the book I'm reading for work, the way I woke up this morning feeling so completely normal, or hearing about just what awful favoritism is blatantly happening in places I've long left behind- But I just feel like I'm plowing full-steam ahead with plans of who I want, what I want, what I need, whom I need... and most importantly whom I want. Every day I see so much that makes me want to love, be in love, deliriously comfortable with someone, but I'm starting to see that that is possible without so much thought and so much pain. Mostly it is possible without so much heartbreak. Why can't we just enjoy each other's company? I need to sink back into my skin, comfortable, and be okay with my own decisions, take confidence in them, and above all be happy and proud. With that, I can enjoy myself in another's company and feel secure that they are enjoying me too.
20June | you know what i hate?
When people stop talking to you for no apparent reason, and you try to work it out and you think it's going to be all better, just a rough patch, and then they pass you up for another friend and ask you if it's "okay" and then never call you again. Did I mention that they used to be one of your best friends? I will concede that I haven't called them either, but I feel that when you do something potentially mean to someone that might upset them, they shouldn't have to be the first to call. And now it's been so long that it's just damn awkward. For me anyway. I don't know what the deal is with them. Maybe they stopped caring. Maybe they don't like my passive aggression. But listen folks, I am normally not passive aggressive... I guess I'm just questioning if it's worth it to try to salvage a friendship that might have just grown out of itself. BLEH!
19June | did you know that you can also spell it diarrhoea?
Maybe it's a result of having spent most of the the month of May by myself, or the fact that in the past five years I've gone from zero male attention to adequate and/or sometimes very inappropriate male attention... or maybe it's a spillover of my childhood know-it-all-ness. Whatever the case, lately I've come down with a serious case of mouth-diarrhea. It's like I'll say things and as I hear myself say them, I'm like, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS! but only in my head because what I am actually saying is something completely stupid like "I didn't get taller, but I think you got fatter ha ha ha" (?!??! Who says that?!?!) So now I'm going through all the dumb things I've said in the past week and wondering if people are secretly going behind my back "Yo... what's up with Karel lately... there's diarrhea coming out of her mouth..." Anyway, I think I need to dial it back a notch or two. And become humble with apology. Speaking of diarrhea, my brother is gross: gross brother: speaking of diarrhea UPDATE: In keeping with today's feces theme, I went to the bathroom shortly after posting this, only to find a smudge of poo on the floor in one of the stalls. Today is PooDay
18June | untouchable
Tonight (well, last night technically) I went to Charles's 24th birthday party at the Red Sky Bar on 29th Street - it was ridiculously packed, full of frat and sorority graduates who were just too cleancut, bleached, and made up for my comfort level. I know some people disapprove of my disapproval of people like that, but I simply don't enjoy their company. Especially when I wait in line for the bathroom while three girls share a stall and I see camera flashes go off. Why are you taking pictures IN THE BATHROOM?! Anyway I had been there for about 10 minutes and was leaning against the bar talking to my brother (who is visiting this weekend) when a tall white male approached me. "I like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and - not sex, but the cuddling afterward." After registering that he was actually saying this with some sort of twisted intention of picking me up, I responded, "Those are all pretty typical." "I read it in Playboy," he said. "I actually read it... the pictures are just a bonus. Those Playmates can really write!" I didn't even have a witty response, the line was so lame. So then he disappeared for a while, my roommates showed up, we had a couple more drinks and I went outside for a few minutes... and he followed me out. He was smoking pot out of a cigarette filter, offered me some (I declined), telling me that smoking up makes you horny. We had some lame conversation, during which I pretty much decided that he was kind of a tool and not particularly funny or interesting (he's a paralegal... snore), then he walked me back in and as I stopped to talk to Charles he whispered "Sweet dreams" in my ear and slipped away. What?! Is that what most 20-somethings are like these days? Because if that's the case, I am certainly not missing out. Which only frustrates me further that the people I have found whom I think are worth my time, don't necessarily reciprocate the same enthusiasm. I think what is most perplexing about my current removed emotional state is that I can't write about it, because once I start to think about it in terms of writing, it becomes that much more important to me, that much more romantic, and that much more dramatic. And I don't want things to be dramatic anymore. But how else can I channel everything but through my writing? Do you understand that now?
16June | AGH
friday night and i have the worst headache known to man. what will make it go away?!?!
15June | 10 good things that happened today
I used to make lists like this when I was going through depression. Not that I'm going through depression right now, but it's nice to reflect on each day and think of small things that made it good. 1. I wore my new shoes! 11:30. Bedtime. Getting better at this sleeping early thing...
14June | i like adventures like this
Yesterday I went on a dumpling adventure with my new friend Daniel that wiped me out more than any other dumpling experience I have ever had. It started out as a simple plan to have some tasty dumplings that he has lauded the best dumplings in Chinatown, then expanded to include a hunt for a deluxe juicer/orange squeezer/possible torture device in one of Chinatown's many kitchen/restaurant supply stores. We hit a couple on Bowery, stopped for bubble tea (mm taro... but it was halfway warm, definitely a disappointment), then walked all the way to the other end of Chinatown to Division Street to look in a few more, where we found the juicer, but didn't like it enough to spend the money. Daniel's friend had recommended a dumpling place somewhere on Mott Street, so we walked through the winding alleys to find it tucked away down a dirty little side street. They only had fried dumplings, no steamed, and their plastic forks were strewn in a plastic bin in the middle of the shop. NO CHOPSTICKS! This was definitely not, as Alton Brown would say, Good Eats. So then I took Daniel all the way to East Broadway and Rutgers to look for the street cart I've always seen there that sells rolled rice noodles for a dollar, but we got to the corner and it wasn't there :( He ended up taking me through the sketchy Jewish neighborhood that I never knew was nestled within the sketchy East Chinatown neighborhood before we headed back to the tried and true dumpling place on Eldridge. So completely yummy. We got ten steamed dumplings, a sesame pancake with beef, and a bottle of soymilk, then parked ourselves on a curb in Columbus Park to chow down. It was delicious. And hilarious. And exhausting. I think we literally walked three miles, it was yucky and warm and I was slightly embarrassed to be so gross in front of a cute boy (who blushes when I tell him that he is cute), but you know, that's life. I want to erase all these weird scandalous expectations that people have when two relatively attractive people of opposite genders spend time together. He obviously doesn't expect things to happen a certain way, and at this point neither do I. I just like having someone fun to walk around with, eat yummy food with, laugh with, and make fun of without feeling like it's going to get me into some sort of trouble. No more drama. Well, at least no more drama with more people. Only fun, and new friends, and peeing in our pants. What?
13June | i'm posting a lot
I got a new notebook over the weekend, it's a wireless 3-subject college-ruled Mead. It's green. I'm going to start carrying it with me and writing poetry in the park during my lunch. And after work I'm going to go to the Guitar Center on 14th Street and work on my new song. And I've stopped caring about trivalities, for now. And I'm going to bed at 11:00pm! (Okay 11:30. Good Eats is on)
13June | poll/survey/a way to dupe you into commenting
So, in browsing through various other weblogs during my off-time at work (which seems to occupy more time than the on-time, could I use the word "time" any more times (ack!) in this sentence?) I have started to wonder if I need a new, brighter, more minimalist layout that will be more conducive to interesting blogging. Or maybe it's not the layout that needs to be newer, brighter, and more minimalist, but rather my life. Fascinating... Anyway leading back to my subject: should I attempt a new layout? Circle one:
13June | it finally feels like summer
Well, maybe not quite - it's a little chilly for mid-June, I think. Aren't people usually ditching the jackets by now? My iPod is breaking. It freezes between songs, and some songs just skip themselves altogether. And periodically, even when it's off, it makes a weird beeping noise. Insights, anyone? How much is an iPod these days anyway? Work is good. Tomorrow will be a week, I'm learning pretty quickly and feeling comfortable. And getting a lot of free lunch! I like that a lot. :) I want to take more pictures. I've had a digital camera since October and I don't use it nearly enough. That is my mid-year resolution. Okay clearly I'm incapable of cohesive thought so early in the morning. More later.
11June | surreal weekend
Not sure what it is about me that attracts melodrama. But it's there and I've started to feel like I'm closing up. Last week was yet another strange week, I started working and those three days seemed endless, I'm still adjusting, kind of losing my focus a little bit. I want things to finally settle but I don't know what that's going to really look like. I went home yesterday afternoon to surprise my mother for her birthday, and it was good to escape back even for a little bit, just relax and remove myself from my apartment and all of the memories that it already holds for me. I'm back now, preparing for a full week of work. I watched the two-hour season premiere of The 4400 tonight, and am excited to have that to watch all summer, but also a little sad that my beloved Chad Faust will apparently not be appearing this season. :( I've spent the past month living in hopes for other people and it's left me grasping for my identity. I don't understand why people push me away, but at the same time I'm pushing others away so how can I blame anyone else? I'm feeling strangely withdrawn, only wanting the company of a select few, but that seems unlikely or even impossible at this point. I need to find a way to lift myself out of this - transition periods are never good to me, but I can't keep letting them beat me up like this. I've been working a little bit on a new writing project, as well as the fledgling start of a new song - I want to continue to focus on that outside of learning my new job. Other than that, I can't find the energy to worry about much else - which is unfortunate, because I want very much to be working on my friendships and other relationships, but I can't handle much more disillusionment right now. Over the weekend I realized that what I've been going through is some twisted form of heartbreak - I just didn't recognize it in its new manifestation. I need to channel all of that into what I do best: creativity and self-development.
10June | delayed reaction
It's not necessarily that I want to be back where I was. It was never perfect the way it was anyway. I don't know what I'm wishing for. In some ways I'm better off and in so many other ways I'm not. I hate ambiguity, I hate unfounded worry and I hate feeling like I'm floundering. It's refreshing to know someone who is unexpectedly shy and uncharacteristically wholesome. It's like I've found a child in a grownup body, someone to bring me back down to earth, calm me down a bit, in baby steps. Thankfully removed from the two reluctant hearts I've been exhaustedly juggling lately, completely unrelated. He doesn't know about that part of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't really enjoy the bar scene. Well, the singles bar scene. I think I finally came to finite decision about that tonight. There's so much superficiality there, insincere gestures, warm hands on my back that I don't want there, they're not his, the one that part of me still belongs to. His touch meant something. Maybe not enough to keep us, but still something. I think I'm finally starting to feel the aftereffects of being broken up.
08June | furthermore
I think I am going through a brief period of insanity, exacerbated by lack of sleep. Have you ever felt like you just kind of wanted to be invisible for a while so you can think about the person you've seemingly become, and evaluate how much you really want to be that person? Perhaps it's just that after spending most of the month of May with myself, suddenly being surrounded by people all the time, even if it's just a quiet presence, is oddly draining. Yet it's not that I really want to be alone. Maybe it's just that I miss you.
08June | first day
And what a day it was! First of all, it was raining and we all know how I feel about that... and in case you don't, I don't particularly enjoy it if I actually have to be somewhere. I also feel that the weather is inexplicably connected to my moods and/or my life, particularly in moments of loss. What am I losing? I don't know. My freedom? In some senses, perhaps. It irritates me that I'm feeling this way, because I should be glad that I have a new job so soon after my last one - I need to work, I need an income, and I need to have some sort of purpose besides waking up at noon and watching television on DVD's. But I hate starting up because I don't know my way around, I feel timid and disoriented and I'm always just so impatient to own my work and know what I'm doing. It'll take me some time to feel my way around and feel comfortable again, so I guess I'll just grin and bear it, and try not to be unappreciative of the opportunity that I have. What I've really lost is a friend - someone I never expected to care so much about, and now that I do, I can't reverse. It makes sense now, the way the rain fell today... in steady, unwavering streams, but not enough at once to feel catastrophic. Last week it rained like that - poured, even. But this week it crept up and was just an almost silent statement, like the slow flushing out of my heart. I should have known it was a clue - this morning I kept thinking what this could mean, as it seemed that everything was fitting into place. It was blind faith, I suppose. How many times can the skies cry like this for me? This morning I slipped and fell in the rain. It happened over the weekend, too. The symbolism is overwhelming, and I know that more mathematically minded people will write it off as coincidence or my over-romanticism of everyday events (and shoes with poor traction), but I don't think that way. Maybe I need to find meaning in these things, because they resound so strongly with me and I can't ignore the connection. I didn't fall once, but twice. Just when I thought I could recover from the first... the second crept up on me because I made the same mistake. I had so wanted to just pick up and move on from all this, from this month of solitude and sloth and discouragement. But I still find one foot lingering in the past, unable to shake the weights that have bound themselves to my Achilles heel and I can't just walk on. I still need to pause and heal, and hope that momentum will be forgiving.
06June | guess i'm not over it
I just had a long talk with Saad about what I expect out of a work environment, which of course led to a discussion about Oasis. And I just felt myself getting so agitated. Maybe it's partly because in almost all of my interviews, I asked about supervision and management styles as well as development slope, and received positive answers about all of them, restoring my faith in my presupposed belief that some employers actually care about their employees, even the ones at the bottom of the pond. Also, I'm about to work in Human Resources, so it's something that I will probably be thinking about a lot. I guess I am still angry at the way I was handled, and I'm trying not to be self-righteous about it, even though I feel like the people there who had the most problems with me are pretty self-righteous themselves. There's no sense of supervision there, only hierarchy and inconsistent delegation. I was told I had creative freedom and encouraged to present my ideas, but also then micro-managed and treated like a peon. When I asked what I could do to improve my relationship with my supervisor, she told me that I should pay more attention to detail - which was something that I agreed I needed to do, but had nothing to do with our actual daily interaction. There is rampant bias and favoritism there, which I just think is awful. I of course acknowledge that that exists in any workplace, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I guess what's worst is that everyone there who could have intervened in it for me, was biased against me. It's such a passive aggressive and assumptive environment and I guess I just didn't belong. I just hate that they managed to hurt me so much in the process. And since when was it okay for an organization whose primary purpose is to impact children, to write a person off for being young? Can all the parents in New York please know this? Might as well feed their children to a cave full of large bullies. I know I will eventually need to let this go, especially as I venture into the next stage in my employed life, but it's only been a month and it still smarts. I'm still sickened and disheartened, and mostly angry that the people who hurt me got the last word without thinking they did anything wrong.
05June | guilty pleasure
So today I went to run several errands and somehow ended up at Old Navy (how does that happen?! I do not know... :p) and their summer music selection is Top 40 Pop Heaven!! While I tried on various pairs of dress pants and button-down shirts, as well as some espadrilles and belts, I found my new favorite song of the moment... Backstreet Boys, "Just Want You to Know." In close second, Jesse McCartney, "Because You Live." I know I will never escape my cheesy pop roots, and I've accepted that. The sooner you can, as well, the sooner we can all get on with our lives... In other news, I tried to watch The Constant Gardener today and I fell asleep. Guess that's going back to Netflix... I just want you to know... that I've been fighting to let you go... some days I make it through... and then there's nights that never end... Yum boybands
04June | my new clothes!
So, today I went to Target and DSW and got two new pairs of shoes. All I need are some dress pants and then I am done shopping. I might return some pants I got at the Gap, and maybe the dark red shoes (see below)... I'm not sure. But, take a look! :)
04June | insanity!
Things are mostly better now. I'm more at peace with my life, my mind, and my heart. Still a few things unresolved, but I can't let other people lord so much power over me anymore without having actually earned a place there yet. So I'll take care of them when it's convenient for me. My new job (yay!) is Recruiting Coordinator in Human Resources at Digitas. I start next Wednesday... I'm excited but nervous - starting new jobs always makes me antsy because I like to know what's going on as soon as possible so I can just do my thing. But I need to remember the mistakes I made at my last job, and try to take things a little easier this time around. I went out today and went on a little shopping spree to buy some new clothes for work. Oh it was so exciting!! I haven't bought nice clothes in so long... working at my last job had me in street clothes every day. Now all I need are some shoes... and then I need to put the credit cards away so I can bolster up my bank account from this dry spell. NO REALLY And then I want to join a gym, and take kickboxing lessons. I need to channel all of my aggression somehow...
02June | guess what?
I got a job. Yay! Details forthcoming. On the table now: getting my sleep habits back on schedule, buying some new workwear, and uh.. cancelling all my other interviews.
01June | heartbreak
How is it that we can spend a month in a dwindling relationship with nothing but banalities to say, and me so tightly closed off to opening my heart to you, and then be torn apart with so much anger and stored resentment leading to a week of ultimate candor and my admission of all that I had ever wanted from you? Are we both that damaged that we can only express ourselves in hindsight and in defense? I once wrote that although I know myself inside and out, I don't know who I am in a relationship. I think I've begun to figure it out - I am weaker, less assured, and more self-conscious in a relationship than I am to anyone else. This has happened each time, and each time I step out and realize that I've lost my fire. I recognized that with you, and I had visions of me opening myself back up to you without regard to your judgment, and in that vision we were no longer together, but still cared about one another. Now, it's been a torrential week of both our sleepless nights, anger has pulsed through us again and again, and it's ended up with me telling you more about myself than I have in three or four months. You asked me why I didn't tell you how I felt back then, and I was at a loss for reasons. I'd always thought you knew. I don't want to be who I am in a relationship anymore. It's a lesser version of me. Where is that strength? In pieces with all the others past? I know I have to release you, but I do dearly miss the memory of you.
|
