It's Tuesday evening and I think I'm going stir-crazy. I've applied to about 15 jobs since last Wednesday, I've only gotten phone calls from a temp agency, I had a sort-of interview cancelled on me and I haven't left Brooklyn since - oh, last Wednesday. Yesterday I didn't leave my apartment at all, and today I only left to go for a run. I miss going to work every day and interacting with people, and feeling like my life was going somewhere. I've gone from seeing my boyfriend every day to feeling like he doesn't have time for me even though all I want is someone to hold me for a little while.

I don't know. I'm trying to keep my morale up, as usual, and look on the bright side (??) and have faith that things will work out, and all that crap that kept me going last year. But then I look at last year and what a mess things were and I just feel kind of hopeless.

And I know there's only so much that people can say before they run out of things to say - which frustrates me as well, because I don't want to bring other people down with me. Last week a friend told me that I need to stop feeling bad, because I'm an overachiever who has done so many things... but then I'm thinking - if I've done so many great things, how come it seems I haven't done enough to get the jobs I want, or keep the jobs I have? And could my manager at SCORE! have been right when he told me that I would leave and find that other companies just weren't any better?

I'm angry, too. But I don't even know where to direct my anger anymore because I don't know if it's justified. How could they let me go feeling so bad about myself? Really? How could they be comfortable with so much misunderstanding, and so little communication? Had I really made so many enemies there? Am I really just out of line and self-centered and self-righteous? With no right to be? Does everything I did there really mean that little?

Why do I feel so small and insignificant? Could it really be so hard just to be happy, or am I asking too much?

I've been having a hard time waking up these days. Not a good sign at all.