I never knew how it felt to carry so much lingering silent trauma with me, subconscious save the haunting dreams that shock me out of slumber, recalling every emotion that shot through my heart as things were unravelling before me. Yet they're stronger even now because I realize it still hurts -

I never knew that I could care so immensely about one person yet realize how completely wrong I've been in imagining that we could work. My heart is breaking, not from love, but from disappointment and from wishing circumstances, timing, our desires could have been different.

I'm in a constant state of anxiety, thinking there is more I can do, say, or think to help myself feel better, more empowered. Advice to me has been to relax and let life lead me places, but i'm petrified of where that will let me end up.