I'm stuck in between here, remembering all the almosts that we were, and I can't deny that my heart is breaking a little as I look back and realize how it just unraveled in our hands. I don't know what you've walked away thinking, past the cloudy surface of your anger, if there is any heaviness at all in that heart of yours, or if it's always been full of another and I was just waves over an already closed-off core. I wish you'd see how twisted you made me, petrified of you but unable to let you go until it had gone beyond the point of hopelessness. You could have been so much to me but it seemed to me that you could never let yourself want that - and I just can't understand why.

I can't understand how this has all ended with me feeling sorry, with me being concerned with having wounded you, when all along that was the one thing I had so fiercely avoided. It's like you've rolled your tires over me and time and again I've forgiven you, accepted the situation for what it was, but one mistake from me and you're out, completely gone in a way that I would never have expected from the aloof way you'd handled us all along.

You had been so unavailable to me for so long that I had been convinced you had let me go long ago. How could you have expected me to understand you with so much wavering communication? I had been consistent from the start, always open, always willing, and slowly you broke me piece by piece, yet now you're walking around like you're the damaged one. What about me? All I'd wanted was you, then I learn that all you've ever wanted was another, and I am still the one to blame for trying to detach myself from another bout of disappointment.

When am I ever going to escape living in another's shadow? Everyone has had great loves and great heartaches, but for once I would like to not be used up and wasted with a heart that is always somewhere else. How can it be so hard to find happiness in me? How can someone else who's stepped on you so much still have such a hold on you, that I couldn't break? How can you be angry with me when you've left me feeling so worthless? How can you blame me for wanting more elsewhere when you couldn't give me more than just the shell of you that she left behind?

How can you leave me feeling like this is my fault?