I'm laying here and you're breathing next to me, you're so warm and alive and yet I feel like my whole world has rearranged itself without my knowledge in the past ten days, it's raining out like it always does when my heart is drenched with tears I can't bring myself to cry anymore - not from sorrow and not from anxiety but from pure exhaustion, when will the questioning end? I thought everything was all set, I thought I was back and only needed to concentrate on making things better instead of building them up all over again and in what feels like an instant everything is gone and I'm thrown back to zero, picking up and putting things back into the right pockets. Suddenly I can't remember who you are, who you were to me then - and why have I been holding onto you for so long? And who am I? Have we really just spent the past 150 days together to no fruition? And now we're seeking comfort elsewhere yet falling back on the comforts we already have in each other? What is it that we're looking for?

Every night my head is filled with images of our infidelity and I've been alarmed - only to learn that it's a reality in our minds, that is truly what we desire and yet we can't seem to let go of each other. We've forgotten who each other is and what it is that we were starting to be, back when everything was new and there was only the excitement of discovery. We're too blind, or too tired, or too distracted to realize that there is still so much to discover about each other - I'm floored by the realization that you don't know who I am, you know every inch of my body and you reach for me in your deepest slumber, knowing that I will fit so perfectly in your arms but you're still so far from really grasping my soul. You don't see my passions, somehow they hide from your very presence no matter how much I try to coax them out. Yet in one night that does not exist in your memory, I opened my heart wide open to another and let him taste the blood that still glistens on my skin. He understood me in those vacuous moments but in his innocent arms I felt empty, tainted, evil. My skin, my breath, my lips betrayed you but my tiny tucked away heart could not. I am left hanging, suspended between love and fear and I've retreated so much from what we carelessly became that we're strangers again, lips taut and wordless.

And now we're about to estrange each other further, sharing what the other has grown territorial of, for what? A sick game of revenge? A misguided search for superficial joy? Is that all we're capable of anymore, after having our hearts torn out by those who are now merely ghosts to us? What will become of us when this is over? Who will comfort us then after we've gone out and given ourselves to how many others? Not each other. How can we return to someone who's done more damage if we were already wounded when we met? Yet I can't see another solution - we can't possibly grow closer so there is nowhere else to go but apart.

I've spent the past week in shock, and I'm going through the motions and feeling what I think I should feel, yet my consciousness doesn't seem to have caught up with me yet. Life, fate, God, something keeps throwing these boulders into my path and I can't heave them away quickly enough, I can't wrap my mind around them and I can't rationalize my way through them the way I've done before. It's too much too quickly, I want to fast forward yet I'm running in slow motion. The future is a blur, I can't figure it out anymore no matter how many remedies I come up with. I'm trying to find the lesson in all this, but there are too many to contend with and I'm feeling muddled and overwhelmed, I love but I cannot love I care but I cannot care, I depend but I absolutely cannot depend for fear of ultimate disappointment. And so I'm alone once more, needing to once again put my faith only in my own thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Perhaps that is the one true lesson I'm meant to draw from all of this.