Memorial Day weekend has come and gone. Last year I went away with Mat and his family to Fire Island - just another experience to tuck underneath my belt. I've come to realize that I can't really deal with full blown relationships at this point in my life, as much as I would like to. I have this indelible need to share myself with people - probably stems from my childhood need for acceptance. But I can't be pushing that responsbility solely to one person. Not because they can't handle it (though few can), but because that's placing my emotional stability in too few places. As soon as it crashes I'm scrambling to find somewhere else to place it, anywhere that'll fit for the moment.

That's what's gotten me into all this lately. Except I can't apologize for it, because apparently apologies mean nothing to some people. So, what now? I just have to get through the anger and the hurt. What else is there?

This has all brought me back to everything that happened with Austin. The situation was slightly different (as they all are), but the actions seemed similar, only the roles were reversed and I was the one left stung and retreating. I can understand the knee-jerk reaction to just remove the pain and shut it out, but a year later and after so much reflection I found myself writing him a letter apologizing for holding him responsible for my entire mental well-being. That is too much responsibility for someone who also needs to look out for themselves.

Which brings me back to the eternal struggle between taking care of oneself before or after others. At this point I don't know where my priorities are. Maybe I care about too many people but also can't separate that from what I've desperately wanted for myself for too long. Unfortunately, that will be ongoing for the rest of my life, until I find it. I can't fight it anymore, it's obviously not going to go away.

In the meantime, I'm trying my best to throw myself into projects that will fulfill the rest of my passions. Hopefully that will keep me afloat.