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31May | a day with the ladies
Today is the kind of day that I wish I could always have. I woke up at 8:00am, wrote some emails, watched The View, and headed out to meet an old camp friend for lunch. We sat in a little park with our gourmet deli food and talked about various updates in our lives, and resigned ourselves to the fact that when straight girls get together, most likely we will talk about guys for the rest of eternity. And that is just the way it is. The thing about her and me is that I think we both intrinsically reject being typical "girls" but have also needed to accept that, well, we are girls. And there's something very empowering about embracing that rather than making it some weird source of shame. Then I met up with a recent Haverford graduate friend for drinks. I love her despite the scarce amounts of time we spend together, and I've really come to realize that it's because she doesn't let conventional gender expectations limit her. She told me a story about an email friendship that she'd been carrying on with a guy who had a girlfriend - last night they met up for dinner and he spent an extravagant amount of money on her, then made a move on her and tried to invite her back to a hotel room for the night. She declined, and was clearly a bit taken aback that he would be so presumptuous. Which of course begs the argument, what did she think would happen if she was exchanging emails with a guy and then had dinner with him? Excuse me, but what day and age are we in that women can't befriend men and dine with them without being expected to want to do anything more than enjoy good company? Are we really so animalistic? Isn't there such thing as intellectual connection? Or even just plain platonic connection? This is a heated debate that I've been having with someone else over the span of the past five or so days. Regardless of a woman's romantic attachments, she should have the freedom to accept another's friendship of either gender. And, in any situation, accepting a friendship does not entail any sort of romantic or physical interest unless she expresses it! Last week I had dinner with a male friend who had expressed some level of interest in me at some point. I also knew that he was in the process of dating someone, and up until last week he had known that I was in a relationship. I made it a point to tell him almost at the outset of the evening that I was dating someone new, and thought that would set an appropriate tone for the evening. As it turned out, he had different intentions and later on I had to repeatedly set increasingly clearer boundaries about where the friendship would and would not go. I don't necessarily blame him for trying; I'm not one to take anyone's attraction to me for granted. But what really gets me is this societal assumption that if a girl spends time alone with a guy, no matter if she's (or he's, for that matter!) taken, single, or voluntarily unavailable, that she might be interested in anything more than friendship with said guy. What is that?! Are we all really that presumptuous these days? Anyway, I'd be interested to know other people's thoughts about whatever this classifies as... social etiquette? Is a girl really expected to not spend time alone with a guy if 1. she's not interested in any more than friendship 2. she is in a relationship with someone else or 3. he is in a relationship with someone else? What happened to friendships? And no, I do not believe that men and women are incapable of being JUST friends. I believe that a lot of men and women CAN'T just be friends with every man or woman they meet, but there are definitely male-female friendships that will never extend beyond those boundaries. So, tell me your thoughts. I'm waiting!!
31May | for lack of more prose
1) My ex is... currently very angry with me. Perhaps partly justified. 2) Maybe I should... stop caring about all that. 3) I love... cereal, peaches, sleeping, sun, letters, music, good friends, soft kisses, clean hair 4) I don't understand... why things don't work out the way I want. 5) I lost my... favorite earrings :( 6) People say that I'm... intense, cynical, creative, see here. 7) Sex is... chameleonic. 8) Love is... a pain in the ass. 9) Somewhere, someone is... dying, giving birth, crying, laughing, falling in love... 10) I will always... stand up for what I believe. 11) Forever is... infinite and unconquerable. 12) I never want to... hurt people, but apparently I'm pretty good at it. 13) I think the current President is... I don't really care. 14) When I woke up this morning I... went to buy coffee and came back to learn that I didn't have to be up at all, but I was already up and caffeinated so here I am, bored. 15) Life is full of... irony. 16) My past... has made me who I am, flaws and features, and everything in between. 17) I get annoyed when... my actions are misunderstood and I am not given the chance to explain. 18) I wish... I could have another chance. 19) My dog is... somewhere out there, probably yet to be conceived, waiting to meet me and be named Pancake. 20) Tomorrow I'm going to... either have already fixed or be given the opportunity to fix all the shit that I caused, for at least one person. 21) I have low tolerance for... passive aggression. 22) If I had a million dollars I would... pay my debts to my parents, buy them a house in Taiwan, pay my brother's tuition, sponsor a starving child, and hire someone to take care of our possessed garden. 23) Sometimes I want to... run away to a foreign country. Hm. I would also do that if I had a million dollars.
30May | okay, okay, okay
This is the point where I need to take deep breaths.
30May | something a little more mindless
your favorite body organ: muscles now: current mood: complacent do I: have a dream that keeps coming back?: not anymore... now they're all just scary and weird love life: first crush: Someone named Craig in kindergarten juicy stuff: have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: I'm pretty sure...? appearance: hair: upper back, long bangs, black with light brown highlights last thing you: bought: two birthday cards and a Diet Coke either/or: club or houseparty: houseparty! who do you want to: kill: I don't literally want to end anyone's life, but there are several people I could do well with punching in the face last person you: talked to: Alice! where do you: eat: at my desk have you ever: dated one of your best friends? no what is: the most embarrassing CD in your collection?: Aaron Carter's self-titled album
what's on your bedside table?: notebook, check from U.S. Treasury, envelopes, half-drunk bottle of Evian
29May | almost june
Memorial Day weekend has come and gone. Last year I went away with Mat and his family to Fire Island - just another experience to tuck underneath my belt. I've come to realize that I can't really deal with full blown relationships at this point in my life, as much as I would like to. I have this indelible need to share myself with people - probably stems from my childhood need for acceptance. But I can't be pushing that responsbility solely to one person. Not because they can't handle it (though few can), but because that's placing my emotional stability in too few places. As soon as it crashes I'm scrambling to find somewhere else to place it, anywhere that'll fit for the moment. That's what's gotten me into all this lately. Except I can't apologize for it, because apparently apologies mean nothing to some people. So, what now? I just have to get through the anger and the hurt. What else is there? This has all brought me back to everything that happened with Austin. The situation was slightly different (as they all are), but the actions seemed similar, only the roles were reversed and I was the one left stung and retreating. I can understand the knee-jerk reaction to just remove the pain and shut it out, but a year later and after so much reflection I found myself writing him a letter apologizing for holding him responsible for my entire mental well-being. That is too much responsibility for someone who also needs to look out for themselves. Which brings me back to the eternal struggle between taking care of oneself before or after others. At this point I don't know where my priorities are. Maybe I care about too many people but also can't separate that from what I've desperately wanted for myself for too long. Unfortunately, that will be ongoing for the rest of my life, until I find it. I can't fight it anymore, it's obviously not going to go away. In the meantime, I'm trying my best to throw myself into projects that will fulfill the rest of my passions. Hopefully that will keep me afloat.
28May | laid bare
I'm stuck in between here, remembering all the almosts that we were, and I can't deny that my heart is breaking a little as I look back and realize how it just unraveled in our hands. I don't know what you've walked away thinking, past the cloudy surface of your anger, if there is any heaviness at all in that heart of yours, or if it's always been full of another and I was just waves over an already closed-off core. I wish you'd see how twisted you made me, petrified of you but unable to let you go until it had gone beyond the point of hopelessness. You could have been so much to me but it seemed to me that you could never let yourself want that - and I just can't understand why. I can't understand how this has all ended with me feeling sorry, with me being concerned with having wounded you, when all along that was the one thing I had so fiercely avoided. It's like you've rolled your tires over me and time and again I've forgiven you, accepted the situation for what it was, but one mistake from me and you're out, completely gone in a way that I would never have expected from the aloof way you'd handled us all along. You had been so unavailable to me for so long that I had been convinced you had let me go long ago. How could you have expected me to understand you with so much wavering communication? I had been consistent from the start, always open, always willing, and slowly you broke me piece by piece, yet now you're walking around like you're the damaged one. What about me? All I'd wanted was you, then I learn that all you've ever wanted was another, and I am still the one to blame for trying to detach myself from another bout of disappointment. When am I ever going to escape living in another's shadow? Everyone has had great loves and great heartaches, but for once I would like to not be used up and wasted with a heart that is always somewhere else. How can it be so hard to find happiness in me? How can someone else who's stepped on you so much still have such a hold on you, that I couldn't break? How can you be angry with me when you've left me feeling so worthless? How can you blame me for wanting more elsewhere when you couldn't give me more than just the shell of you that she left behind? How can you leave me feeling like this is my fault?
27May | favorite show of the moment
I just watched the first disc of Season 1 of FOX's House. What a fascinating show. I have to say, some of it is a little contrived, but definitely good entertainment. I'm interested to see where these characters go. I've already lined up the next 5 discs on my Netflix queue. Mwahaha. I'm contemplating going to bed or watching The Constant Gardener. Although it is classified as a thriller, so maybe that's not a good idea late at night... I'm really glad it's the weekend, because my week of interviews has tired me out, perhaps moreso than a week of working. But I'm also slightly on edge, because not many people are around this weekend so I feel like I will just be spending more time by myself :( Maybe I'll run to Blockbuster and get the next 2 discs of House so I don't have to wait for Netflix. Ha! Actually... that's not a bad idea...
26May | truly, the end
It's been a long time since anyone has made me question my personal principles and choices, especially what I choose to do with my body and my sexuality. More and more I feel like I've been distanced from the haven that Haverford created for me - although even within that so-called "haven" there was plenty of judgment and passive (or even aggressive!) disapproval. It comes down to how much I value my choices versus the people I care about, and whom these choices affect. I've long struggled with taking care of myself before others and I really haven't decided on a clear platform - there are exceptions to every rule. The people I've grown to love and cherish are those that I must take care of first, but there are even some of those whom I've hurt in my own careless self-interest. I can attribute that to my youth or immaturity or deeply imbedded insecurities, but only so much. I try not to regret things, but there are some things that I really cannot look back on and say it was worth growing from rather than wishing I hadn't done them at all. I've just hurt someone I do care about, but who has also caused me significant amounts of hurt based on his own personal choices. I can't say that I ever grew to love him. I daresay it was never leading to that, and I've never been good at accepting that. But now I see that I need to - not because I don't still care about him but because as even he had advised me, I need to take care of myself first. I know about my insecurities and at times brain-numbing need for affirmation and male validation. I don't think I'll ever truly escape that, which frightens me because of what it implies about my potential future as a girlfriend, wife, mother. I can't wish it away, I can only hope that as I grow older it will become less of an imposition on my friendships and relationships. I hate that it's caused me to lose people who were once close to me, but when it comes to principles that are so intensely personal, perhaps we all need to surround ourselves with those who share them. This is where I need to find the strength that I know is within me to realize that I can't possibly stay close to everyone who has touched me, and that I can't let someone's tarnished view of me ruin my views of myself. People have different capacities of forgiveness, and I always knew that his was much lower than mine. I need to accept that. And so I press on.
25May | my long day
So, my two interviews today were pretty good. I feel good about both of them, and am pretty confident that I will get a followup call. I also got a followup call for the interview I had on Tuesday, and scheduled a second interview for next Friday. Yay! I definitely feel more productive, though I don't want to get ahead of myself as you never know what might actually happen... In between my two interviews I went and had lunch with Lauren at Chipotle. Man I love that place. So yummy... albeit a bit messy. Well what are you going to do. It was good to see her and catch up a bit. Then to kill time before my afternoon interview, I went to the Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle, and decided to pay J.Crew a visit... and I broke down and bought the cutest pair of shorts for full price. I'm wearing them right now, trying to decide if I want to keep them...
They were $58... and I know that I don't actually have a job... so maybe I'll keep the tags on for a couple weeks and see if I get a job. =X Agh! Aren't they adorable? Anyway I'm home and hungry and exhausted now, so I am going to watch some TV and try to decide if I want to make something to eat or just go out and get something. I suppose after blowing $58 on a pair of shorts, I should eat in. Hmmm... tomato soup...
25May | aaahh!!
Two interviews today. Three hours sleep. Life = ridiculous. But hilarious. And mostly good. Thank goodness for coffee. Wish me luck!
24May | it's come to my attention
that I've had my laptop for roughly 17 months and I haven't christened it with a name. It's not a terribly great machine, but it's portable and holds my files. What should I name it?
24May | now i've done it
I can't sleep. I have an interview at 10:00am and as I lay in bed all I can think about are the interview I had today and the ones I will have the rest of the week, as well as what I am doing this weekend, which is just a bunch of "in the air" plans. My heart is beating abnormally fast and I'm wondering if I should be alarmed. In the past when I haven't had daily commitments I've let my sleeping patterns completely lap the day, and I really want to avoid letting that happen this time around. Although it's happened at least four times that I'm counting off the top of my head so maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Also can we talk about how I'm still on the Oasis website? I mean come on people. You were so eager to boot me, at least have the decency to remove any association between us. Thanks. I went out for drinks with Bonnie earlier tonight (aka last night, whatever) to this little not quite dive-ish bar a few avenues down, and we sat and chatted about... well... boys. And their dumbness. And I was reminded of quite a few scandalous experiences I've gotten myself into... that make for quite humorous anecdotes now, but really just sort of embarrass me. I mean I'm all for a little bit of fun now and then, but I swear I must have been crazy back then. Like, what? Was I really that dumb? Anyway it was a good time, despite the fact that we tried to enjoy some "free music" and were sternly told that the "suggested $5 donation" was actually mandatory. Again... what? I miss Tati. I need to make a trip to Boston. Hhhmmmmmrrrmmm when should I go?? Anyone want to join me?!
23May | what a great day
Well, I slept until noon today, which is not much of a change from sleeping until 11:30 like I have been the past few days, only I went to bed, as you all know, at 6:30am instead of my usual as-of-late bedtime of 2:00am. First of all, thanks for all the emails in response to my latest pride and accomplishment. :) You make me feel so popular! I headed out for my interview this afternoon feeling incredibly nervous, but it turned to be really good! My faith in corporate attitudes toward entry-level positions has been restored. They want me to come back for a second round and after that they will make decision probably by the first week of June. Here's to hoping! Also, I got a call back from the interview I had a couple weeks ago, so I'm going back for a second interview on Thursday. That's two interviews on Thursday! So I went out after my interview and I bought a suit at H&M. I really didn't want to spend the money on it, but I figure I should look more presentable at these interviews... I wore brown GAP dress pants and a striped button-down shirt (tucked in of course! I'm all about tucking in these days... man am I getting older or what) today and felt somewhat underdressed. But the woman who interviewed me was wearing denim, so I guess it wasn't that bad. Anyway I do like my new suit. :) Maybe I'll take a picture tomorrow before my interview. I'm feeling phenomenally better about life. Still a little bored (guess that's what happens when I work on projects marathon-style rather than spacing them out...) but looking forward to this next week and its possibilities. Still haven't figured out what to do with the possessed forest out back...
23May | oh yes
I have been up all night working on this new layout. Something bit me today and I was feeling so uninspired with the simplistic white layout, and I wanted to give this a little kick. So here we are. Everything is functioning and I've formatted the archives so now it doesn't just scroll off into oblivion at the end of the week. I have an interview this afternoon, and Wednesday morning, and Thursday morning; I also received notice of my weekly unemployment benefit rate, and I'm feeling much better about life. I guess I should get some sleep. Let me know what you think of the new digs! Poke around and do some reading, it's about time I had some real shit up here. And yes that is me in the graphic. I am so vain.
22May | the forest on warren
So my roommates and I have recently decided to start looking out the back window (either in my room, Bonnie's room downstairs, or the bathroom) into our little yard, which apparently we did not do for several months, because we've all been mortified at the amount of foliage that has accumulated back there since we moved in. We're not sure if they're weeds (Lindsay thinks they might be sunflowers?) or trees... personally, I'm starting to wonder if they're enchanted forestry with a mind of their own. Please observe the barren scape that I photographed back in January:
Upon seeing this, we thought, well come spring we can rake it up and do some sprucing, and have garden parties! Obviously, spring is here. And now this is what I walked into this afternoon when I decided to get up close and personal: (click to enlarge)
  
WHAT IS THAT?!?! Are they weeds? Anyone?!?! I'm frightened!! And how do I get rid of them??! Am I going to have to pull them out by the roots? It's an infestation!!! And I want to have garden parties!! This is going to be my new project. Might as well take advantage of all my free time, right?
22May | NOW i see why people have blogs and livejournals...
Well, I've decided to keep writing in my Livejournal, but as a friends-only. I like that a lot of people read this whom I might not be aware of, but I also want to be able to write about private things and share those with people that I can monitor and trust. So if you were my Livejournal friend once upon a time, I will be back on your radar. If you weren't and would like to be, leave me a comment and I'll add you if I feel comfortable... if not, uh... that will be an awkward moment I suppose. Sorry...
21May | end
We broke up. Well, in actuality we've pretty much been broken up for several weeks, but there's something to be said about closure, I suppose. I'm surprisingly fine with it - it's strange how my evolving reactions to things like this are sort of markers of how I might be growing as a person. I want to and feel that it's possible for us to remain friends, and I've never truly felt that I cared so much about someone and just wanted to take care of them the best way possible, yet at the same time knew that we simply could not continue to be physically and romantically close. It's funny because I haven't felt as comfortable around him as I do now, probably since we first started dating. There was just so much tension and resentment that had gradually built up, and pressure and expectation, that we just couldn't really enjoy each other's company any more. And he really is a good person - we just weren't aligned with each other in the way that we both needed. I could sit here and hate on him, and bitch about all the time he's hurt me, but I know there's more to him than that. And he does care - this much I've seen. So that's that. No drama, no insanity. (Anymore, anyway!) My primary focus right now is finding a job. We'll see - I'm really looking forward to seeing what my life will look like in a month or so.
19May | sunshine
This erratic weather, as usual, seems to coincide with my sense of loss. Things are changing, turning upside down, I could never have expected everything that's happening right now to actually happen. I'm starting to make sense of things that I was too stubborn to see before, and shifting my life's priorities. It's beautiful outside right now, and I'm in a better place than I've been all week. Still a lot to think about and work through, but my head is a little less clouded now. And I'm getting CANDY later with Yael. Yay!
18May | no
Seriously. Why the hell don't you care? What could I possibly have done more? I am sick and tired of catering to emotionally naive, selfish people who don't have a clue what they're losing when they turn their backs on me. I really am.
18May | i need an adventure
Tomorrow I am meeting up with Yael at Dylan's Candy Bar. I haven't been there in ages... probably since November when Alice and Tati were here and we went gallavanting through NYC. Ah, I'm so excited, and to see Yael, it's been nearly two years since she was my kid at CTY. How I miss that place. Despite the drama. Oh those were hilarious times. And carefree times. And the mattresses were made of plastic. Haha!! Anyway as I've felt totally depressed cooped up in my apartment staring at various screens (way too much Top Chef exposure last night, I'm totally obsessed), and waking up way too late for lack of things to do, which is kind of a lame excuse since I could be writing plenty of letters, I've decided that tomorrow I am going to go on an adventure through Manhattan. Not sure where I'll go or what I'll do since I can't spend too much money, but it will entail a lot of walking and thinking and hopefully writing. And maybe I'll take some pictures! My camera has been out of use lately. However I did use it to give y'all a nice preview of the cover of my 'zine. And then you will understand why it has no title.
17May | a different kind of hump day
Well, I'm a combination of sluggish and restless these days. I woke up intermittently this morning until 11:30, at which point I decided that even though I have no actual commitments these days, I just can't spend my mornings in bed anymore. It makes me feel much more unproductive than I might really be. So I got up and finished my 'zine (yay for me!) and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in front of my computer reading celebrity gossip... So, I'm losing a bit of motivation. I don't know what else to say. I want a job, I need a job, I can't figure out what I want to do, and I'm frustrated at my situation. But after meeting Kristy for some coffee and conversation I felt a bit better, and relieved of my cabin fever. And yes, I've finished my 'zine. It doesn't have a title. Well, it could have a title and it would be a very long title, but I think I'd rather say there is no title. If you'd like a copy, shoot me an email with your address and I'll send it off! By the way. How much do you want to bet that if Katharine McPhee wins American Idol, she'll drop at least 10 pounds?
16May | my new zine
So, I'm still putting it together. I made the mistake of throwing away all my old magazines when I moved here, so I only have six at my disposal here, which doesn't really lend much variety in imagery. I'm a little hesitant about it, mostly because I'm trying to decide if I want to be more concise in some of the longer pieces. The list of people I'm sending it to is, I realized, much shorter than the lists for previous zines. Maybe it's because a lot of people have let me down, or maybe I just don't think that many people I know deserve to know that much about me. I've always been really open, and owned my feelings and was not ashamed if people knew my thoughts - a couple weeks ago a friend lauded my ability to just put things out there. And I've always taken pride in just that. It's come to my attention that some people make it a point to find out everything they can about other people and then band together to pick apart those people's lives, words, habits, and very personal relationships. I saw this back in high school, even in college. I guess I had naively thought that once we were in our mid to later twenties we would have better things to do with our time. I certainly do. I'm getting on with my life, working on a relationship with someone I care about very much and wish hadn't been subjected to the kind of prying that he had specifically asked me to help avoid time and again, and concentrating on people who are true in their intentions toward me and toward others. Everyone else can read whatever they want about my life. Despite all of the setbacks I've seen this month, it's still much fuller than theirs.
16May | a good thing
I went to the doctor today and was reminded that since last May I've lost thirty pounds. I'd forgotten how much I've done in a year.
16May | i hate when it rains like this
It turns everything dark and sad and battered, and my heart turns small and tight, like it needs to hold onto itself just a bit harder for safety. I've been writing a new zine. But all the things that I'm feeling in the far reaches of my mind, the things that are really eating at me... are wordless. How can that be? How else am I supposed to convey it, if not with words? It's been two weeks since I lost my job. I'm starting to unravel - I know that two weeks is not a long time. But it feels like it's been much longer, and I'm so worried about money... I know these are all like, real downer entries. I'm sorry. I haven't been just walking around in a cloud the past two weeks - there have been good days and good experiences. It's just that when I slow down to think about what's really happening, I just wish that for one moment, I could be someone else.
13May | nightmare
I never knew how it felt to carry so much lingering silent trauma with me, subconscious save the haunting dreams that shock me out of slumber, recalling every emotion that shot through my heart as things were unravelling before me. Yet they're stronger even now because I realize it still hurts - I never knew that I could care so immensely about one person yet realize how completely wrong I've been in imagining that we could work. My heart is breaking, not from love, but from disappointment and from wishing circumstances, timing, our desires could have been different. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, thinking there is more I can do, say, or think to help myself feel better, more empowered. Advice to me has been to relax and let life lead me places, but i'm petrified of where that will let me end up.
12May | don't be alarmed, just doing a lot of thinking
I'm laying here and you're breathing next to me, you're so warm and alive and yet I feel like my whole world has rearranged itself without my knowledge in the past ten days, it's raining out like it always does when my heart is drenched with tears I can't bring myself to cry anymore - not from sorrow and not from anxiety but from pure exhaustion, when will the questioning end? I thought everything was all set, I thought I was back and only needed to concentrate on making things better instead of building them up all over again and in what feels like an instant everything is gone and I'm thrown back to zero, picking up and putting things back into the right pockets. Suddenly I can't remember who you are, who you were to me then - and why have I been holding onto you for so long? And who am I? Have we really just spent the past 150 days together to no fruition? And now we're seeking comfort elsewhere yet falling back on the comforts we already have in each other? What is it that we're looking for? Every night my head is filled with images of our infidelity and I've been alarmed - only to learn that it's a reality in our minds, that is truly what we desire and yet we can't seem to let go of each other. We've forgotten who each other is and what it is that we were starting to be, back when everything was new and there was only the excitement of discovery. We're too blind, or too tired, or too distracted to realize that there is still so much to discover about each other - I'm floored by the realization that you don't know who I am, you know every inch of my body and you reach for me in your deepest slumber, knowing that I will fit so perfectly in your arms but you're still so far from really grasping my soul. You don't see my passions, somehow they hide from your very presence no matter how much I try to coax them out. Yet in one night that does not exist in your memory, I opened my heart wide open to another and let him taste the blood that still glistens on my skin. He understood me in those vacuous moments but in his innocent arms I felt empty, tainted, evil. My skin, my breath, my lips betrayed you but my tiny tucked away heart could not. I am left hanging, suspended between love and fear and I've retreated so much from what we carelessly became that we're strangers again, lips taut and wordless. And now we're about to estrange each other further, sharing what the other has grown territorial of, for what? A sick game of revenge? A misguided search for superficial joy? Is that all we're capable of anymore, after having our hearts torn out by those who are now merely ghosts to us? What will become of us when this is over? Who will comfort us then after we've gone out and given ourselves to how many others? Not each other. How can we return to someone who's done more damage if we were already wounded when we met? Yet I can't see another solution - we can't possibly grow closer so there is nowhere else to go but apart. I've spent the past week in shock, and I'm going through the motions and feeling what I think I should feel, yet my consciousness doesn't seem to have caught up with me yet. Life, fate, God, something keeps throwing these boulders into my path and I can't heave them away quickly enough, I can't wrap my mind around them and I can't rationalize my way through them the way I've done before. It's too much too quickly, I want to fast forward yet I'm running in slow motion. The future is a blur, I can't figure it out anymore no matter how many remedies I come up with. I'm trying to find the lesson in all this, but there are too many to contend with and I'm feeling muddled and overwhelmed, I love but I cannot love I care but I cannot care, I depend but I absolutely cannot depend for fear of ultimate disappointment. And so I'm alone once more, needing to once again put my faith only in my own thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Perhaps that is the one true lesson I'm meant to draw from all of this.
11May | leap of faith?
So in the course of the past week I've seriously considered a career change. (Well, as much of a career I was developing at this point anyway) I love children, but I'm not sure I want to be a teacher. I love writing, but I don't want to make it a primary career. I love giving back and until now I haven't been able to do it in the intensity that I would like. I'm pretty spoiled, and went to a top ten liberal arts school that cost my parents a pretty penny to study a bunch of self-indulgent things like how to analyze text. I have an apartment in Brooklyn and more possessions than any post-grad working girl should have. (Like, do I really need so many pairs of shoes? Jackets? Necklaces that I no longer wear?) I don't know where my money goes, but I'm starting to think that most of it was spent on things that I really don't need or want past a couple weeks. I had an interview this afternoon for a job that will be the hardest job I've ever had should they offer it to me and should I take it. I could have been scared or daunted by the prospect of immersing myself in it (I don't want to divulge details on a public forum), and I definitely could reject the idea of it based on the salary alone. (Read: MAJOR paycut) But it's liveable. I'm paying significantly less rent now than I was last year, and utilities are split among three rather than two. And I don't pay gas. It's definitely liveable. So now the question is, do I need to change my mindset about what it is that I want to do and what I'm willing to do? I need to follow my heart. And my heart is telling me that I need to stop living in comfort and living safe. Obviously I know how to work hard, no matter what my previous employers think or tell me. I've had shaky direction since graduation, and this is the first time I'm actually seeing a clear desire for where I want to take myself in terms of a career. I've never wanted to be rich and I've never wanted to become corporate. I've always wanted to feel fulfilled in human interaction. Maybe this is where every event has been leading me. I don't want to make any premature predictions of course, as I've only had one preliminary interview. But maybe I'm starting to see where I really want to go. And I can't let what my parents say, what my past has stipulated, or what I'm used to falling back on, dictate where I go from here. I need to move forward with my life and make solid decisions - and it seems this is the time to do it. I swear things are so cosmic. Two weeks ago all I could worry about was my relationship with my boyfriend, and I didn't like that. Now I have so many other decisions to make, things to take care of, that while he's still in my life and I still value his place there, I'm seeing that I can't let him take so much precedence over things. I wonder if I'll look back in five years and wonder how dumb I was in not knowing all this already.
10May | i apologize in advance for what will be a bi-polar month
So today was a bit better. I was awoken at 9:30 by a phone call from one of the organizations I applied to, and they wanted to schedule an interview with me, yay! So tomorrow afternoon I will make myself look very professional and presentable and launch into Interview Season 2006. Then I promptly fell back into bed and slept/dreamt/changed my alarm intermittently for the next hour and a half. This is already becoming a problem - I don't know if my body is just exhausted from last Monday (a.k.a. The Day I Was Fired) when I stayed up all night and slept from 7:30-8:30am Tuesday morning, or if my spirit is just dragging me down. Or if my bed is just too comfortable. Anyway I've been having a lot of disturbing dreams lately, involving death, violence, and cheating (on both ends! Such scandal) and I wonder what that all means about my poor overactive subconscious. Anyway I sent out another cover letter today, followed up on all the letters I sent out last week, and realized that all the posted jobs that I could possibly apply for... I've already applied for. So I went for a nice walk, watched some Oprah, and then had dinner with Kristy during which I got the lowdown on all the new psychotic goings-on at Oasis without me. And let me tell you. If I was glad to be gone before, I'm even gladder now. There has got to be a better place for me. I just hope I find it sooner rather than later. I also watched Top Chef tonight - it was the reunion show. Man, what a rowdy, bitchy bunch. For the record: I love Stephen Asprinio. I love him in his cheesy pretentious suits, I love him more in his designer jeans. I don't care if he's asexual (or foodsexual... or winesexual...), I find him oddly sexy. I also love Harold. And I think Tiffani is such an insufferable bitch. She is the classic snivelly, cheating overachiever. Won't admit when she's caught REDHANDED, won't own up to her undeniable faults. Also, she did a really poor job blowing out her hair. Come on now. I bet if she'd been nicer to people they would have offered to help. Stay tuned for the outcome of tomorrow's interview. I'm nervous =X
09May | RAR
It's Tuesday evening and I think I'm going stir-crazy. I've applied to about 15 jobs since last Wednesday, I've only gotten phone calls from a temp agency, I had a sort-of interview cancelled on me and I haven't left Brooklyn since - oh, last Wednesday. Yesterday I didn't leave my apartment at all, and today I only left to go for a run. I miss going to work every day and interacting with people, and feeling like my life was going somewhere. I've gone from seeing my boyfriend every day to feeling like he doesn't have time for me even though all I want is someone to hold me for a little while. I don't know. I'm trying to keep my morale up, as usual, and look on the bright side (??) and have faith that things will work out, and all that crap that kept me going last year. But then I look at last year and what a mess things were and I just feel kind of hopeless. And I know there's only so much that people can say before they run out of things to say - which frustrates me as well, because I don't want to bring other people down with me. Last week a friend told me that I need to stop feeling bad, because I'm an overachiever who has done so many things... but then I'm thinking - if I've done so many great things, how come it seems I haven't done enough to get the jobs I want, or keep the jobs I have? And could my manager at SCORE! have been right when he told me that I would leave and find that other companies just weren't any better? I'm angry, too. But I don't even know where to direct my anger anymore because I don't know if it's justified. How could they let me go feeling so bad about myself? Really? How could they be comfortable with so much misunderstanding, and so little communication? Had I really made so many enemies there? Am I really just out of line and self-centered and self-righteous? With no right to be? Does everything I did there really mean that little? Why do I feel so small and insignificant? Could it really be so hard just to be happy, or am I asking too much? I've been having a hard time waking up these days. Not a good sign at all.
08May | lists always help
1. I wrote and sent out 6 cover letters today.
08May | writing till my hands fall off
Well, this morning I woke up feeling extremely dejected. I hate to be self-pitying because I know that this is partly attributed to my own stubbornness and naive idealism, but hey, this sucks. It sucked last time but I couldn't say much because I'd quit a company that really, really wanted to save me, but this time I had no warning and I'm a little worried about my situation. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past week and it's true that there is so much possibility, but I just feel like I've made a series of - not bad choices, but not well thought out choices. And if I want to live the kind of life that I want, I should have had more foresight. I shouldn't have studied English in college. I should have put more energy into finding work that would help me later on. Was an a cappella group really where I should have concentrated so much time and talent and planning? Well, sadly, perhaps not. I'm the remnant of a spoiled, privileged child trying to break out of all of the expectations that have been ingrained in me since birth. I can't decide if these are expectations that come from myself, or from my parents and society. I want simplicity where life warrants detail, and I'm feeling very weighed down right now... I don't want to leave New York City again. I don't think I could handle it.
06May | the truth
This past Monday I was terminated from my job at Oasis. It came as a complete surprise, although the story from my supervisor/bosses is that I "should have known" from the "implied hints" they gave me. I've been turning it over in my head since then, reviewing every mistake I made there, every interaction that I now see was misconstrued as something much more and much worse than it really was, every frustration that may have contributed to their ultimate decision to let me go. My self-esteem has wavered from negligible to doubtful to renewed, and in the end I'm not sure that I've come up with much more than I need to move on. I've never thought of myself as the kind of person who is unreasonably selfish or self-centered, but the words "self-centered" and "arrogant" were used more than once during the conversation I had upon being terminated. And I've had to sit back and re-evaluate how I'm viewed as a twenty-three year old in any workplace. Haverford taught me that as a young adult I could do anything I put my mind to, and that I had the power to change things through my words and ideas. Perhaps I've taken that too literally, without regard to the fact that people generally balk at young know-it-alls who think they have great ideas when in reality they're getting a little too big for their britches. What was perhaps most damaging was the fact that I was sent away with the conception that I was largely disliked in the workplace, and that my departure would be a welcome one. I walked away from my conversations on Monday wary of all of the friendships I had built there, including the one with my boyfriend. And as much as I can concede to all of the other complaints they had about me thinking I "deserved" more than was due to me, I stand strong in my belief that telling me I shouldn't trust people I thought were my friends was a really low blow. And as an organization that promotes self-confidence and community values in children and young staff, to not only terminate someone with no notice but also trivialize their personal relationships seems rash and insensitive, to say the least. Thankfully, my friends have stood by me, not necessarily having taken my side (which I would never expect them to do) but at least tried to understand my thoughts on the situation. I've felt a lot of support in the past week, both spoken and unspoken, and am walking away from Oasis at least knowing that I did do something good there, even if it was merely on a personal level. So onto the next step it is for me. I can't help but feel a bit discouraged and like I've wasted a lot of time, and I'm definitely worried from a financial angle, but I'm doing all I can and trying to wash my hands of this. I've learned some valuable lessons, both about myself and about other people - I'm looking forward to whatever happens from this point on.
04May | there's a mutual admiration there
For the longest time I've been unable to separate platonic and romantic connections. One might say I'm still pretty bad at it, but this week has just been a complete eye-opener in so many ways. I never thought that losing something so huge would actually help me compartmentalize everything else in a way that was much easier to manage. People mean much more to me, or much less, in 48 hours I had to regain my trust in people who had become so important to me... or sever the trust I had in people who had never deserved it. I'm really fortunate to be surrounded by good people. I may have spent so much time focusing on the wrong things that I overlooked the ones who would have been the best for me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I was completely in the wrong place. How could I have been so naively optimistic? Idealistic? Is this what Haverford does to people? I would hope most people aren't so disheartened after they leave, but I think that sometimes they are...
02May | afloat
My life is about to change again, and I think in drastic ways. I've made questionable choices and I'm trying so hard to follow my heart, but my heart seems unable to make up its own mind. Could my gut and instinct be so wrong? Is it so hard to find my place? Have I been too steadfast in my own naive beliefs? Too many questions. Yesterday and today I realized where my support systems are - and some of them came from surprising places, in many ways. Maybe this was meant to happen - to provide me, ironically, with some clarity. Something cosmic has been happening the past few weeks and rather than fight it I want to follow it and see where it leads me. I can't say anything on here in detail about what's happened the past few days - please get in touch with me to find out.
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