So, I'm really starting to wonder if everyone goes through this much self-reflective angst or if I was blessed (or cursed, if you will) with an overactive sense of character paranoia. I wonder if I'm too spoiled and independent to hold a conventional job, if my parents drove me to become an entirely too self-critical overachiever who will never actually be proud of herself, if my inner fat child craves too much attention...

It seems that there is always something wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend, and I can't decide if it's something legitimate or just in my head. Yesterday I got into a conversation with a co-worker about my first relationship and the year of shit that ensued and it really hit me just how much that whole experience damaged me. As much as I try to present myself as level-headed (at least I hope!), part of me is stunted and the other is still wounded from the whole thing. The idea of someone leaving me absolutely cripples me and makes me feel worthless - which I hate. Why should I let one other person determine my self-worth?

But then that begs the question, if I'm unable to rely on someone like that, how will I ever actually be in love again, and how will I decide to spend the rest of my life with someone? Will I be single and petrified forever?

And why is it that everyone I date is emotionally closed off/immature/unavailable? What is it about me that appeals to these kinds of people? Or what is it about them that appeals to me? Why do people only like me for a very short amount of time before they feel the need to get out?

I know I ask these questions a lot, and people who have been reading my blog for a while know this. Yet I've never actually found either an answer, or a solution. And my current boyfriend - I'm in a constant sense of wavering and I don't know how long I'm supposed to "wait it out." I just don't know. I wish that I hadn't been dateless until 19 because honestly, I would have preferred to have some experience under my belt before I became mature enough to actually feel legitimately strong feelings for someone, or be old enough to have a relationship amongst peers who are in long-term relationships, engaged, or even married. Because more than half the time I don't know how to handle situations with him, if he's being an ass, or just being a guy, or what.

I feel like I'm grasping lately - not just about my relationship but about work and my daily survival. I don't know. My eating habits are getting weird, which I can't decide is a cause or result of the way I feel. I'm not sleeping enough, and I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown at work. And I hate to say things like this because I want to be happy! And I want to enjoy life so much. I want it to be full and productive and happy.

I need some spiritual cleansing, or something. I miss my friends. :( I miss Alice and Tati most of all...