Daily I reflect (perhaps too much) on humanity, and how people can affect each other, how much people love and hate and everything in between. The world is so lopsided - how did we all spin out of control? How long have we hated those who are not like us?

Last night I was in Hoboken and I stood in a bar with mostly white people who wore too much hair product and cologne. I made a comment to Theresa that everyone there was totally "Jersey" and that there were a total of 5 minorities in the room, and she said that I was being judgmental. Well, perhaps I am. In my experience, I'm being defensively judgmental, because no one like that has ever really given me the time of day. So why should I stand in their bar and pretend to be comfortable?

Then I realized that that was my entire high school experience. And I've been out of that for so long that I'd forgotten that I ever spent much time there. Being in New York, living in Brooklyn, dating Saad has shown me so much more and I don't know why but I just feel better around here, like things are more real. Is that wrong? I want to know more about the communities here, I want to experience more than what I've known.

I've realized that I'm stuck in between so many different lives and societies that I'm sort of lost. I no longer belong in suburbia - at least not for an extended period of time. But I'm not quite urban, as Theresa reminded me many times last night, "You're from Jersey!" I hang out with Saad and his friends and I don't talk like them, I don't think as quickly as they do. I hang out with my high school friends and I marvel at how different our lives have become, how different my priorities are from theirs. Who am I, and what am I? What's my style, even? I dress differently every six months, my taste in music, foods, aesthetics constantly change.

Could it be that I haven't yet "found myself"?

What does that even mean?

I still feel very disorganized. i want to get my shit together. It's freaking May already. Another year of my life is almost halfway over, and I still have so much that I want to accomplish.

It very much has to be Go Time.