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30April | caught in between
Daily I reflect (perhaps too much) on humanity, and how people can affect each other, how much people love and hate and everything in between. The world is so lopsided - how did we all spin out of control? How long have we hated those who are not like us? Last night I was in Hoboken and I stood in a bar with mostly white people who wore too much hair product and cologne. I made a comment to Theresa that everyone there was totally "Jersey" and that there were a total of 5 minorities in the room, and she said that I was being judgmental. Well, perhaps I am. In my experience, I'm being defensively judgmental, because no one like that has ever really given me the time of day. So why should I stand in their bar and pretend to be comfortable? Then I realized that that was my entire high school experience. And I've been out of that for so long that I'd forgotten that I ever spent much time there. Being in New York, living in Brooklyn, dating Saad has shown me so much more and I don't know why but I just feel better around here, like things are more real. Is that wrong? I want to know more about the communities here, I want to experience more than what I've known. I've realized that I'm stuck in between so many different lives and societies that I'm sort of lost. I no longer belong in suburbia - at least not for an extended period of time. But I'm not quite urban, as Theresa reminded me many times last night, "You're from Jersey!" I hang out with Saad and his friends and I don't talk like them, I don't think as quickly as they do. I hang out with my high school friends and I marvel at how different our lives have become, how different my priorities are from theirs. Who am I, and what am I? What's my style, even? I dress differently every six months, my taste in music, foods, aesthetics constantly change. Could it be that I haven't yet "found myself"? What does that even mean? I still feel very disorganized. i want to get my shit together. It's freaking May already. Another year of my life is almost halfway over, and I still have so much that I want to accomplish. It very much has to be Go Time.
28April | evidence that i have in fact made progress since age 19
So, rather than let things drag me down, I have decided to put my energy into some positive action. Things with work and my boyfriend(? questionable) are rocky but I really can't let it decompose my morale any more. I am stronger than that. I want to think about things in a new, fresh light and I want to stop wishing things were better. Instead I want to focus on things that I can control - such as myself, my outlook, and my behavior. I really feel that once I find my feet again, that everything else will fall into place. It's funny to think about how helpless humans are - like slaves to their emotions, their fears, and their minds. I'm still recovering from the biggest blow, and I can forget my laurels so easily. Today I was reminded again, of two things: 1. How much faith I put in signs and symbolism and 2. How much I've let myself slip out of the poise that I know I'm capable of owning. I want to put it into writing - I'm planning out a new 'zine. I don't know. A part of me wonders if my boyfriend(?) is harnessing too much of my energy and independence and it's wreaking havoc with my mind. I don't want to let him have that much influence over me any more, but I don't want to lose him. I'm still grappling with how much I can handle and the timeframe in which things should comfortably happen for me so that I can maintain balance. I guess I feel okay.
27April | i am an expert on foreshadowing
"and I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown at work." Meltdown came today, hopefully things will be better from here.
27April | iamsocranky
So, I'm really starting to wonder if everyone goes through this much self-reflective angst or if I was blessed (or cursed, if you will) with an overactive sense of character paranoia. I wonder if I'm too spoiled and independent to hold a conventional job, if my parents drove me to become an entirely too self-critical overachiever who will never actually be proud of herself, if my inner fat child craves too much attention... It seems that there is always something wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend, and I can't decide if it's something legitimate or just in my head. Yesterday I got into a conversation with a co-worker about my first relationship and the year of shit that ensued and it really hit me just how much that whole experience damaged me. As much as I try to present myself as level-headed (at least I hope!), part of me is stunted and the other is still wounded from the whole thing. The idea of someone leaving me absolutely cripples me and makes me feel worthless - which I hate. Why should I let one other person determine my self-worth? But then that begs the question, if I'm unable to rely on someone like that, how will I ever actually be in love again, and how will I decide to spend the rest of my life with someone? Will I be single and petrified forever? And why is it that everyone I date is emotionally closed off/immature/unavailable? What is it about me that appeals to these kinds of people? Or what is it about them that appeals to me? Why do people only like me for a very short amount of time before they feel the need to get out? I know I ask these questions a lot, and people who have been reading my blog for a while know this. Yet I've never actually found either an answer, or a solution. And my current boyfriend - I'm in a constant sense of wavering and I don't know how long I'm supposed to "wait it out." I just don't know. I wish that I hadn't been dateless until 19 because honestly, I would have preferred to have some experience under my belt before I became mature enough to actually feel legitimately strong feelings for someone, or be old enough to have a relationship amongst peers who are in long-term relationships, engaged, or even married. Because more than half the time I don't know how to handle situations with him, if he's being an ass, or just being a guy, or what. I feel like I'm grasping lately - not just about my relationship but about work and my daily survival. I don't know. My eating habits are getting weird, which I can't decide is a cause or result of the way I feel. I'm not sleeping enough, and I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown at work. And I hate to say things like this because I want to be happy! And I want to enjoy life so much. I want it to be full and productive and happy. I need some spiritual cleansing, or something. I miss my friends. :( I miss Alice and Tati most of all...
25April | this is why i took a hiatus
It's 12:30am and I'm still up, my contacts are still in, and I've been sitting here pretty much all night working on this site. I'm usually in bed by now and usually even asleep. See? This is why webdesign was so dangerous, and why I didn't have time for it in a good six months. Especially because I used to make stuff like this. I'm slowly working on it, though work is really dragging down my moral. I need some sort of picker-upper. Maybe I need more caffeine. Ha! Well, the "about me" section is up, though I'm waiting on some responses from people about me. So although the site is very live, I'm not putting up any links to it yet. I just hope the few people who know about it will write me lovely comments. :) GOOD NIGHT
23April | YAY!
Okay kids. Look, I'm back! But a lot of stuff on here isn't working yet... granted, there isn't much content. Sorry - just not enough time... let me tell you, I do miss fiddling around with html like the true nerd I am. Anyway, hopefully this will be up in full swing by the end of the week. In the meantime, hold tight...
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